Researchers digging for fossils in a South African cave made two startling discoveries last month that were reported in the journal, Science. An analysis of charred bones and plant ash deep within the sediment of the cave in the Northern Cape province clearly showed that human ancestors of ours may have been cooking food over open fires as long as one million years ago, based on carbon dating of the bone fragments and surrounding earth. “These individuals were clearly enjoying their steaks and chops well done, and not just rare,” said archaeological scientist Betrand Raste, as he sifted through camp fire remains. His colleague, Patricia Meltebek of Boston University, said that cave drawings further inside the dig, demonstrated that fire was in widespread use among certain members of the closely knit tribal groups, as indicated by crude sketches showing the early hominids crouched around the burning carcass of what may have been a deer or antelope.

“The surprising thing, she added, was the second great discovery of this find.” She pointed to heavy slash marks through some of the drawings that were obviously applied by a second indigenous group that may have occupied the cave in later years.  “The inference that we draw from these harsh charcoal slashes, which only affect the cooking illustrations, is that the second group of individuals denied the very existence of fire in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. We think this group may have been the prehistoric ancestors of today’s Republicans.”

Contractors at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, DC reported last week that former Vice President Dick Cheney had shown up while they were having lunch to inquire about transplant surgery.

Frank Parsons, of Medstat Construction, said that he and his colleagues have been in the process of demolishing the century old hospital center since last August when it was officially closed. “The last thing we expected was to find a pasty faced old dude shuffling around in what used to be the admissions section. We thought he might have wandered off from a nursing home or something, but he kept claiming he was the Vice President, so we changed our opinion; we figured he was an escapee from a mental institution. He kept going on and on about needing a transplant and I got so sick of dealing with him, I had my band saw guy run him over to the Bosley Center over on First Street. They do transplants there all the time.”

Secret Service spokesperson Melinda Ferguson said that they had lost track of Mr. Cheney on Tuesday morning when he went missing from his undisclosed location. “We left him playing ‘World of Warcraft’ on his computer, and the next thing you know he’s skipped out wearing his pajamas and slippers. By the time we tracked him down using the GPS chip in his head he’d already undergone the procedure at Bosley. You really can’t blame the folks there, Dick was pretty insistent about getting a transplant and they went ahead, knowing he was good for the fee what with being the former VP and all.”

Lynne Cheney, wife of the former VP, said that her husband has been on a waiting list for a heart transplant for so long that every time the doorbell rings he thinks it’s the pager he was issued when he went on the list. “I’m pretty steamed about the quality of the fake hair they stuck him with at Bosley, but in fairness they did point out that Dick’s immune system would have rejected hair havested from an actual human being.”

Willie Steadman, 26, was arrested Thursday night after a shooting in what police in Stanford, Florida are calling a “tapestry of justice”. Steadman had reportedly called 911 to say that he was being followed by a “big fat Nazi skinhead wif tattoos up da whazoo.”

According to a transcript of the 911 call, Steadman , who is black, asked the police dispatcher if he would be within his rights, under the Florida Stand Your Ground law, to confront the baseball bat wielding white man, adding that he himself was armed with the semi-automatic pistol he uses in his job as a security guard. Steadman was told that he should pick up his pace and try to outrun his musclebound stalker, rather than provoke a confrontation.

Stanford Police Chief Will Lee picked up the thread of the incident from here.

“As you probably know, we here in Florida through the grace of God and Governor Jeb Bush, have the Stand Your Ground law, which pretty much lets normal people off the hook if they happen to encounter someone who needs killing. They got the right to blast away at muggers, robbers, bushwhackers, conspirators, pan handlers and anyone else who might annoy them. Now in this case, with Steadman, you have a situation with a whole different complexion, what with Steadman not being one of the normals. At this point we don’t know why Brutus Henry, the white feller, was following Steadman with a baseball bat, but we do know from witnesses that he only whopped Steadman one time before he was shot dead, and this is in violation of Florida’s Three Strikes law. According to the law, Mr. Henry had two more free hits coming to him, just like the Three Strikes law in California”.

The Chief went on to say, “when Steadman called 911 he was told in no uncertain terms not to confront Mr. Henry, but to exercise his rights under the “Feets Don’t Fail Me Now” law, which gives non-normal people like Steadman the right to outrun their attackers, long as the fleeing don’t cause the pursuer to have a stroke or nuthing. Steadman chose to ignore the instructions of the police dispatcher and gunned down Mr. Henry after taking only one hit to the side of his thick skull. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from all this hullabaloo from the media, it’s that there must have been a slip up somewhere that allowed a non normal like Steadman to legally possess a firearm in the first place. All this tragedy could have been avoided if Steadman had just kept running like he was told. But no, he had to get all uppity and now we have a dead parolee cut down in his prime.”

Right wing pundits from Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck are mourning the loss of caustic conservative gadfly, Andrew Breitbart, who died suddenly on Thursday at age 43. Breitbart, who was a constant thorn in the side of those on the left side of the political spectrum, had left a message on his answering machine, saying that he was too embarrassed to stay indoors. He collapsed a short time later after reportedly seeking absolution from a homeless man who was later questioned by police.

LAPD spokesman Raul Trotter said that Breitbart had appeared disoriented when he mistook a legless vagabond for a priest and launched into a lengthy confession of his “unpardonable transgressions” while Bud Hammer, a longtime resident of a doorway near Archer Square sipped from a 40 ounce bottle of White Traash liquor. “I din know who dis honky thought I be,” said Hammer, “he kepp goin on about how ashamed he was ’bout his manipolating video on the TV to make acorn people look bad”.

Pundits speculated that he might have been referring at least in part to a video that had been artfully edited to make it appear that a local ACORN office had assisted in the procurement of underage women for the purpose of prostitution. In fact, the video when seen in its unedited version, revealed that the ACORN employees had immediately called the police after being contacted by a man and woman dressed up in obviously phony “pimp and hooker” costumes. When the heavily edited tape was adopted by Fox News and played day and night for weeks, ACORN was put on the defensive and eventually closed its offices all over the country. Friends of Breitbart said that he was initially elated that his shameless fakery had resulted in denial of services to poor and disadvantaged people, but had later become more circumspect about his role in the debacle.

 Robert Fandot, a right wing commentator for WVBS radio in Dallas, said “Andrew came to regret his new found role as the go-to guy for trashy, manipulative video. He used to call me up at all hours weeping like a little girl, saying that he was finding it more and more difficult to defend his bigoted views when confronted by liberals on TV talk shows. ‘I don’t sleep very well at night’ was what he often said.”

With the recent outing of Sheriff Paul Babeau, Arizona’s GOP hardbody lawman, Republicans in Congress are scrambling for funds to shore up their tattered reputation as keepers of the moral high ground. House Majority Leader John Boehner on Thursday issued a plea to all CPAC donors to consider diverting some of their thinly disguised bribes to his hastily contrived Cloister Of Congressional Kindreds (COCK).

Addressing a panel of high level Republican donors yesterday in Las Vegas, Mr. Boehner gave a thumbnail sketch of what had occurred.

“Seems that Sheriff Babeau had a boy toy we didn’t know about. As a TOP law enforcement official he had been brought to his knees by a threat from some BOTTOM feeder from the illegal immigrant community, who threatened to expose the depth of Paul’s entry into the disgusting underbelly of delight and sensuality we know as The GAY.” Boehner paused momentarily and directed the assembled billionaires’ attention to a large reproduction of Sheriff Babeau and his twink, projected on the wall.

“We have reached a point, gentlemen, where it’s obvious that the GOP closet just isn’t big enough, and as more and more staunch defenders of morality and the Christian faith keep lubing up and squeezing themselves in, it’s like a Wendy’s triple burger: when you squeeze it, something soft and gooey is bound to come shooting out. The fact is we need a bigger closet. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus has offered to divert some of his energies away from his federally funded ‘Pray Away the Gay’ clinic, to design something tasteful that reflects our strict moral discipline. Something to tame the barbarian that lurks in the nether regions of our self loathing sexual repression. I call upon you of the One Percent to give until it hurts. Help us tame the beast. Help us build a bigger closet.”

  The State of Virginia has just passed the most sweeping anti-abortion legislation in the country. Known as the Dildo Intrusion Requirement, or DIR, the new law stipulates that any pregnant woman making an inquiry about an abortion must immediately be rushed to a state run clinic, stripped, strapped down on a gurney and penetrated vaginally by an X-ray probe shaped like a penis, to see if she can be persuaded to change her mind. Termed the “transvaginal ultrasound” the procedure specifically precludes refusal by either the woman or her doctor.

 The bill’s sponsor, Republican delegate Kathy Byron, pointed out that a simple discussion about abortion alternatives or even a normal ultrasound procedure was unlikely to produce the fear, pain and humiliation of the X-ray dildo, noting that the accompanying Youtube posting of the event would “most likely break the will of even the most stubborn female.” She went on to point out that despite clamoring by liberals and other communists, the dildo invasion has no historical link to religious witch hunts of the 16^th century. “Back in the days of yore, women suspected of witchcraft were vaginally probed by priests and authorized inquisitors, who often neglected to wash their hands before jamming their crude implements up the cooters of heretics and and housewives. These days we know a lot more about sanitation and demon possession.” The bill passed 63-36 in the Virginia House of Delegates.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/virginia-legislature-advances-personhood-anti-abortion-measure.html

Standing resolutely before supporters in a teal pant suit with lavender pumps, Marcus Bachmann wept openly today as he announced that because his wife, Michele, had garnered only 5% of the vote in the Iowa caucus, he would not be taking his place by her side as First Lady on Inauguration Day.

“I don’t know what went wrong, he sobbed, wringing a linen hanky, God told her to run for president, I know He did because I was listening in on the other line.”

One of the reporters covering the event noted that God had also reportedly told Governor Rick Perry to run as well, and did that mean that both candidates had been punked by their creator? “Listen mister, said the indignant Marcus, “Rick Perry isn’t even fit to coordinate my Michele’s wardrobe. Have you seen what that Texas ruffian wears to campaign rallies? I mean seriously, would God promote someone so gauche as to wear a crew neck under a dress shirt, puleeeeze! And tell me what fashion statement he sends with those tight blue jeans that hug the curves of his wiener. Could Rick Perry cure barbarian gays through prayer and stiff, unrelenting discipline while raking in taxpayer subsidies, as occurs with Bachmann and Associates Pray-Away-the Gay Clinics? I think not! God spoke to Rick Perry? I say liar, liar pants on fire to Texas macho man. God made Michele rank last in the Iowa race so that we would have no doubt about what comes next. He may have closed one door, but he has opened a window. And I think I know just what drapes that window needs!”

Listening sites around the world have been monitoring radio traffic inside the borders of secretive North Korea since the announcement on Monday that Kim Jung il, that country’s most beloved despot had died on Saturday. At first there was little additional information, not even an official statement as to Kim’s actual age, estimated in the west to be between 65 and 70. All that changed today when the state’s Central News Agency divulged that the diminutive dictator had been aboard a train headed for a farm collective in the eastern part of the country when his overly generous heart gave out.

“Our Dear Leader died from overwork,” sobbed a news reader on North Korean Television, as a bright red laser dot from an offstage censor’s rifle danced on her forehead. “He was participating in a musical exercise which we believe is known in the west as the ‘Rusty Trombone’, something usually left to much younger men. But Dear Leader had always been keen to provide the zen-like duality of a hand job while at the same time delivering an enthusiastic rim job upon the nether regions of a lucky young soldier plucked at random from the barracks car of the train. The young guardsman said that just as life left the divine naked body of our earth bound god, Kim was heard to utter, ‘the throbbing, oh my… the throbbing.’ The Most Select Council of Military Endeavors is at this moment attempting to unravel the deeper mystic meaning of Dear Leader’s final pronouncement.”

Pulling ahead of the pack in the Right Wing race to be the most outrageous GOP candidate in history, Newt Gingrich distinguished himself at Thursday’s debate when he told moderator Howard Stern that as president he would simply ignore the other two branches of government.

“There’s no point in having federal courts that disagree with the chief executive,” he said. “George W. Bush was kind of leaning that way but he lost his nerve in his second term, frankly. Once I’ve taken the oath of office I’ll simply abolish any court that is foolish enough to stand up to me. That includes the Supreme Court, so I hope the justices are paying attention. When they appointed Bush to be president by canceling the vote count in Florida, they were dangerously divided: five right votes and four wrong ones. That simply won’t happen under a Gingrich presidency, frankly, it’ll be either my way or the highway. I know what’s good for America and as president I’ll rule the right way.”

Asked whether being drummed out of the House of Representatives in disgrace in 1999 by a near unanimous vote had been good for America, Mr. Gingrich was ready with an answer.

“Members of the House are in a good position to make lots of money, frankly, and that’s what I was doing. What you saw in 1999 was the result of a personal vendetta against me by a few sore heads who were frankly jealous of my ability to sustain a patriotic erection no matter how many distractions I was dealing with. They convinced the rest of the members that the fact that I was getting more ass than a DC bus bench while my wife was hospitalized for some allegedly life threatening cancer was giving the House a bad name. That and my making money for personal gain hand over fist on the taxpayers’ dime. I haven’t forgotten that insult and once I’m president Congress might just as well vote themselves a permanent vacation, because as Chief Executive I’ll eliminate that branch of government with a stroke of my pen. And I can do that, frankly. As a former historian I know whereof I speak.”

He waved off any further questions and instead made a final statement. “Oh , and one more thing. These red, white and blue flags flapping around behind me? Take a good look, because come January 20, 2013 they’re gone. Wife #3, Callista says the stripes make me look fat. So no more stars and stripes. I’ll have a committee design a new flag. Just between you and me I think Callista’s hairpiece looks like it was cast in bronze, frankly, but at least it doesn’t make her look fat, just extraterrestrial.”

“Here we go again”, said Speaker of the House John Boehner, taking a moment from his his weekly summation of Republican filibusters to ridicule environmental regulations. “The patriotic petroleum industry finds a new way to tap fossil energy and keep America firmly in the 19^th century, and here comes the EPA to screw things up.”

He was referring to a recent EPA report that linked underground fracking done to release natural gas, to the sudden emergence of combustible drinking water in areas of Wyoming. “They act like benzene is a bad thing,” said Boehner, “and they go on and on about tremors, brain damage, anemia, cancer, coma, death…..without once mentioning that the average Wyoming citizen’s faucet has just become a gold mine. Think about it, now that the groundwater is flammable it’s much more valuable. Whenever they’re not using it to cook, brush their teeth, take showers or do laundry, they can use it to heat their homes, fill up the gas tanks in their cars and trucks and and fire up the barbecue. Think of all the money they’ll save! I hear you can also use it to strip paint, clean carburetors and make embalming fluid.”

Asked about the dangers to pregnant women and their unborn fetuses, Mr. Boehner called on the assembled members of the media to remember what Governor Rick Perry had said at one of the recent carnival-style presidential debates. “He said that if elected president he would move into the Alamo, criminalize illegal acts and do another thing that I can’t remember right now. Oops.”