Pope Condemns Cloud of A-Evil

 

Wearing his trademark Garth Brooks cowboy hat, Pope Benedict took time out from his world wide  ”I’m the Pope and You’re Not” tour, in order to chastise the people of Angola for generating a “cloud of evil” over the continent of Africa. Mopping his brow in the sweltering heat, the Pope  interrupted his Sunday Mass before thousands of the faithful downtrodden to condemn the victims of war and tribalism endemic to Angola. “Every time-a one of you extra tan Catholics gets-a bullet in the head it-a gonna make-a the Angola government look bad. Not as-a bad as my horny bad boy priests make the Vatican look of course, but pretty a-fuckin-a bad”. The wail of a siren drowned out his Holiness at this point, as several ambulances arrived to remove the bodies of 40 or so people who had been killed in the stampede to see the Pope’s performance. “Since-a 1491 when Catholic missionaries first-a came-a here, you darkies been-a subjugated and made-a slaves, but what-a you gonna do…. thats-a God’s will”. He went on to say, “we gave-a you the missionary position and all-a we get  from-a you is-a heartache. And diamonds. Lots of diamonds. The Mother Church been helping out with the distribution of that-a stuff, but it gets-a to be a royal pain in my most holy behind when a boxcar of- a diamonds arrives at the Vatican with-a blood stains all over the place; you get shot, you gotta crawl off and die someplace away from-a the action, okay? Maybe write a suicide note absolving the government of any wrong-a doing.”

Condoms are for Sissies says Pope

Speaking at a West African summit on how to increase populations of desperately poor and diseased people, Pope Benedict sternly warned against the use of condoms. “Getting a-pregnito is a good and blessed thing, ” said the Pontiff, to a large crowd of desperately poor and diseased people yesterday. “How-a you gonna replace the bambinos that die each-a day here in this-a Godforsaken land unless you keep-a the women all-a knocked up?” Pointing to a large poster describing the epidemic of AIDS in Africa, the white robed religious leader insisted that AIDS is not caused by sex. Well, not the right kind of sex anyway. “No one-a ever caught-a the AIDS from dutiful married copulation, he said, only unmarried sex. And sex with-a people who have the same-a kinda junk in their Speedos. And sex from-a the behind with tooty fruity men who took ballet in-a grammar school…” The Pope was then wrestled off the podium by a group of cardinals who struggled to restrain the visibly agitated Pontiff who was also visibly aroused.

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