Pope Consents to Fox News Interview

  In an unprecedented move by the Vatican amid the burgeoning priest sex scandals, Pope Benedict agreed to be interviewed on Fox News following his Easter Mass spiel on Sunday.

Sitting down with commentator Juan Williams, Pope Benedict indicated that he was ready to be lobbed a series of softball questions by the conservative interviewer.

Fox: Thank you your Holiness for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.

Pope: Its-a no bigga deal.

Fox: Why the Italian accent? I thought you were German.

Pope: You gotta go with the flow. Vatican’s inna Rome, Rome she’s a right smack in the middle of Italy. People expect it.

Fox: There has been a lot in the news these past weeks about sex scandals involving Catholic priests sodomizing young boys and the Church higher ups who have shielded them from prosecution. So I have to ask you, why does the media hate priests?

Pope: I think it-a all goes back to those meatless Fridays. Everybody thinking, Friday again already? And they-a wishing there were better tasting frozen fish sticks.

Fox: Right, right…. I remember having those crappy fish sticks with gooey macaroni and cheese in school. It really sucked. But Pope….. can I just call you Bennie?

Pope: Oh sure, sure.

Fox: So Bennie, why do so many children all over the world make up these horrific tales of sex abuse? You wouldn’t think that a 7 or 9 year old child would even know terms like blow job, cornhole and rusty trombone.

Pope: Its-a because of the secularism today. Inna the old days a priest might-a you know…. accidentally find his finger in an alter boy’s anus and the boy gonna shrug it off…. accidents happen. But these-a days! A boy come home from a sleepover at the rectory with rope burns on his-a wrists and a gob of lubricant in his underpants and right away he gotta make up a bunch of nonsense about how Father Whatever can’t keep it in his vestments.

Fox: So is there a worldwide conspiracy among pre-pubescent children to bring down the Catholic Church?

Pope: Absolutely. You ask any ten boys attending-a Catholic school if they ever seen their priest’s Holy Salami and at least-a half are gonna bust out crying and a carrying on about sweaty sex games in the confessional. If that isn’t proof of a conspiracy I don’t know what is.

Fox: Some of these kids are grown up now and still insist on lying about past abuse by priests, some of whom have been dead for years.

Pope: See, that’s a-what I mean. These kids today they gotta no respect. Eighty or ninety of them make uppa stories about a priest, so we gotta move the guy from parish to parish. Anda no sooner he gets unpacked and wham! Another bunch of boys starts-a spouting the same terrible stories with the same details as in the last parish.

Fox: So….. same priest…. new parish……different boys…… but the same descriptions of abuse over and over again. You’d think the Vatican would sue their parents!

Pope: It’s-a been discussed, but we’re willing to forgive and forget like we been-a doing for the last thousand years.

World Religions Rage Against Upstart Cult

Muslim, Christian and Jewish leaders met Wednesday in Las Vegas to plot a strategy against the newest belief system sweeping the globe, which threatens to claw its way to the top of the heap in world religions. Known by its followers as “Mysteriooze”, this new religion has burst forth with unprecedented acceptance, mainly by young people, who see its teachings as superior and more relevant than anything currently available in the world wide smorgasbord of religious thought. At its base is the belief that the universe was born in the eruption of an especially impacted pimple on the backside of “Buddahhbing”, a bad tempered creature of unimaginable power possessing eight or more noodly tentacles and a seething hatred for circus clowns. According to Mysteriooze scripture, Buddahhbing made the earth 10,000 years ago as a repository for His feces and then created Man some 4,000 years later as caretakers for said waste products, when dinosaurs failed to meet His expectations. Brother Krank, an apostle of Buddahhbing, lashed out at the Las Vegas conferees, insisting that opposing the will of the Great One would only awaken the slumbering creature and incur His wrath. “Didn’t they learn anything from the Crusades,” asked Krank rhetorically, pointing out that Christians and Muslims fighting during the Crusades over who was most worthy to serve Buddahhbing was counterproductive. “We are all His janitors and he has equal contempt for each and every one of us. When we die we are all flushed down the Holy Crapper and only those judged to be worthy will be allowed to shovel sh*t for eternity in the afterlife”.

Pope Mends Muslim Rift with Comedy Tour

Pope Benedict XVI, visting the Al-Hussein bin-Talal Mosque in Jordan, went out of his way yesterday to include Islam on his short list  of the world’s great faiths. Wearing the tallest head gear in his holy repetoire, the Mitre-D, or skyscraper,  the Pope addressed several dozen curious onlookers as they gathered for their evening prayers. “I’m-a say howdy to all you Mosqu-a-teers, began the Catholic leader, flapping his arms rapidly. “I’m-a flying in here today all the way from  a-Rome, and boy are my arms tired.” With the only chuckles coming from his own toadying entourage the Pope went on, “wowza, this a tough-a crowd. What I gotta do, a-strap on a pinstripe suicide vest?  Hey, come on, I know you’re out there I can-a hear you breathing!”  Looking puzzled, the growing cluster of Muslims began laying out their prayer rugs, a few doing deep knee bends in preparation for prostrating themselves. “Is this a – thing even on”, said Pope Benedict, tapping the microphone in front of him causing a howl of feedback. “So how many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb? Anybody? Anybody? None! They’d rather stay in the dark!” (Ba-dump-bump) At this point the Islamic call to prayer wafted forth from numerous loudpeakers on the surrounding minerets and the crowd at the mosque began kneeling on the east facing prayer mats. Trying another tack, the Pope moved into self deprecating humor. “One-a day I’m-a giving Cardinal Mahoney a real tongue lashing, okay? I’m-a say, ‘hey Cardinal, we got a big-a problem in America with little boys being molested at your churches. We gotta inform the faithful how they can a-tell a priest from a pedophile’. Any you know what he says? Anybody…. anybody…He says, ‘you can’t … that’s the problem!’ (Ba-dump-bump) “But seriously, folks, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress! Just kidding!” Mopping his holy brow, the Pontiff shuffled off to the waiting Pope-Mobile and his next stop on the tour.

Virgin Mary Sighting Kit

 Tired of being the only one on your block who hasn’t found the Virgin Mary in a rust stain,  window smear or  knothole? Relax, your days of being anonymous are over with Kaboodle’s new “Virgin Mary Image Kit”. Now you can discover the Virgin in your garage, your kitchen or even the bottom of your birdcage! It’s easy and it’s fun for the whole family. You’ll have the faithful lined up in your driveway with Kaboodle’s “Oil Stain Miracle” effect. Want something more dramatic? Choose Option #3 in the kit, the “Trash Can Revelation” or go for broke with the “Abandoned Refrigerator Miracle” where the famed icon appears in a strawberry stain within the freezer compartment. You’ll have the whole neighborhood buzzing as representatives from the Vatican roll in to officially investigate your sighting. Afraid these experts will see through your charade? Don’t be! The Image manual has a whole chapter on distractions like displaying stigmata  on your hands and a special bonus CD that will have you speaking in tongues in no time! And if you act today Kaboodle will include at no extra cost the “I Just Saw Bigfoot”  plaster casting kit for making  tracks of the famous missing link, right there in your own back yard. But wait, there’s more! If you call within the next 30 minutes Kaboodle is offering a 50% discount on its spectacular ”Alien Abduction” kit, including realistic nasal implant and glow  in the dark rectal probe. What are you waiting for? Call now, our operators are standing by!

Saudi Man Urged to Divorce Child Bride

Citing precedent in which Mohammed himself had taken a child as a wife, a 58 year old Saudi Arabian businessman resisted calls to divorce his 8 year old bride several weeks after they had been joined in matrimony. Requesting annonymity, Saudi national Habrim Hafeil Al-Abidin, told a religious judge that a deal had been struck with an acquaintance who owed him some money and who had offered up his minor daughter in exchange for canceling the debt. He said that he picked up the girl the next day as she played with dolls in the front yard of the family home. “She resisted, said Al-Abidin, there was some screaming and her mother had to be tackled by an uncle or two, but I think our marriage is off to a great start”. He went on to say that he had initially planned on a honeymoon at Legoland in California but felt the girl was too young to be among  the “filthy Western infidels” they would inevitably encounter. “Some of these Western dogs object to the blessed May/December romances observed under Wahabism. But then, they also complain about cutting off the hands of thieves, beheading non believers, blah, blah, blah. Remember, these are the same ignorant savages who allow women to drive cars, eat pork and open their pie holes in public.” Wahabi Judge, Sheikh Habib Al-Habib, cognizant of the world wide furor over the marriage, asked Al-Abidin if he might consider holding off consumation of the marriage until the girl had shed the last of her baby teeth. but the recalcitrant bride groom was indignant. “I’m in the bloom of my youth over here, what am I supposed to do if she comes on to me, tell her to go watch Sesame Street?”

Mormon Calendar Delights and Offends

Where’s the beef? Well, these days it’s apt to be in the Mormon Church where an upstart  member named Chad Hardy is on the minds of the LDS leadership. Seems 22 year old Chad  had the audacity to publish and sell a calendar featuring photos of young, virile Mormon boy-men in the altogether. Well…. without their shirts, which among Mormons is pretty much the same thing. Thomas Monson, current leader of the faith following the recent death of Gordon B. Hinckley, had plenty to say about the calendar which he is calling sinful, disgusting, eye catching and exciting. “I have two minds about this folly”, said Monson, speaking in a phone interview on Monday. “On the one hand it is obviously a grievous sin to acknowledge that our LDS boy-men possess naked bodies but on the other hand I have to admit that the pictures are enticing. I can see how a young man or even an older one  ….. a much older one …. might become aroused as his eyes caress the smooth oiled skin and chisled abs of these young untouched lads, the hard muscles, the blatant come hither gaze…….” The phone suddenly disconnected at this point and the interview resumed several minutes later after contact was reestablished with the LDS leader, who now spoke in a more measured tone. “I understand that this Hardy person is planning a calendar featuring photos of nubile young Mormon women next. This clearly cannot be tolerated even if, as he claims, the women are all fully clothed. What if an LDS boy-man were to view such filth? His eyes drawn to the indistinct mounds and bulges lurking beneath the shapeless dresses of these temptresses? What if he were not wearing his shirt, his oiled skin glistening in the flourescent lighting of a public washroom, his powerful hands lurking near the forbidden zone of his turgid manhood……” Once again the call was interrupted, this time by an LDS spokesman who said that Monson would have to continue the interview at a more appropriate time.

Pontiff Raises Eyebrows with Canonizations

Pope Benedict XVI named five new saints today, but in a break with tradition, joined with  new Vatican sponsor, the Disney Corporation in determining who would be canonized. It had been expected that the Pontiff would select Portuguese hero Nuno de Santa Maria Alvares Pereira , a medieval warrior/friar, who died in 1431 and Bernardo Tolemi who had perished while ministering to plague victims in 1348. However, Pope Benedict, reading from a prepared statement in Vatican City said that it was time for the Catholic Church to embrace the future, or at least the recent past, and become more contemporary. He then officially canonized Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy and Bashful, five of the seven dwarfs known and beloved as the companions of Snow White, from the 1937 Disney classic movie , “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”  Dopey and Sleepy were excluded from the list pending further investigation by Vatican authorities. “Dopey and Sleepy are-a still under the consideration and are certainly among the venerable, but have not yet achieved blessed status and therefore cannot be-a considered right-a now,” said Cardinal Tolusi during a meeting with world media representatives. Asked whether Mr. Toad might also be among those on the road to sainthood, Cardinal Tolusi wagged a warning finger at the brash questioner. “God gonna visit some-a locusts and-a boils on your butt with a attitude like-a that. Let’s try to keep-a things solemn and meaningful, okey dokey?”

Brother Avenges Raped Sister

Okay, you’re a young man living in Iraq where  home mail delivery is a bit spotty these days, so you stroll down to the local post office to see if your forbidden Victoria Secret catalog has arrived. Instead of your plain wrapped soft porn, you’re handed a letter from  your little sister who has been imprisoned in Takrit for the last six months for putting polish on her toenails. What now? More gripes about  having to use a hole in the floor for a toilet? More bitching about the maggot infested food? Nope. Seems she was raped by a guard at the prison and now she’s pregnant. Well, Duh…. what did she think would happen if she allowed herself to be forcibly raped? Well, what the hell, she is your sister after all, and this is an outrage. So you take time off from drinking tea with your buds and head on down to the prison with your Turkish 9mm pistol to make things right. You ask the guard at the gate for a visit with your sibling and get waved right through. Then you have to cool your heels for 20 minutes with nothing to do but listen to the screams of other women being raped. Okay, here she comes, her prison burka a little disheveled, but at least she’s wearing no nail polish this time. You exchange greetings and then put a bullet through her forehead. Cool, family honor has been reestablished and all you’ve lost  is a half  day of goofing off.   Note to self: when you get home, beat your other sister to a pulp to put the fear of Mohammed in her, peace be with Him.

Family Honor Requires Sharp Knife

Whether you’re a husband, father, brother, uncle or cousin, it’s tough being a male family member in a Muslim household. You have to keep an eye on the enemy every second. You know who they are, those wily and oversexed female relatives. Sure, you’ve got them bagged in all encompassing burkhas, you’ve restricted their movements so they can’t drive a car at all or shop or even go for a walk without a male family member close at hand in case her ovaries act up. You’ve even got her mouth taped shut with verses from the Koran in case she has an opinion on anything. But sometimes Satan slips in there anyway and the next thing you know your sister has made eye contact with a male she’s not related to. Holy shit! What was she thinking? All her life you’ve tried to beat her into submission, skinning the knuckles of your fists on her face, exhausting yourself by flaying her back with wet ropes, risking injury to your soccer joints by kicking her in the stomach and groin and this is how she repays you? Obviously something has to be done and Allah (peace be with Him) has provided the answer. You are honor bound to stab the harlot to death for exposing the family to community scorn. Her momentary sinful lust must be avenged. And then, as she is bleeding out, you must attempt to appologize to the male who was sexually attacked by her whore-like glance. So it is written in the book and so shall it be. Oh, and dispose of the knife. It has been defiled by the blood of your skanky harlot sister.

Saudi Clerics Condemn All Movies

If there is one thing that unites Muslims, it’s their stand on movies: they’re evil. They always have been and always will be. Unless, of course, they are used in “ways that please Allah”, said cleric and renowned Islamic scholar, Abdel Aziz Khoja. We don’t want the infidels in the west to think that we are backward and emotionally stunted. We are, of course, we just don’t want them to think that”. He went on to point out that one of the very few films produced lately in Saudi Arabia that actually pleases Allah, is one called, “Make Love Not War”, which imagines a future where unbelievers all over world are gently beheaded and disemboweled before their remains are scattered on the desert sands of Mecca to be laid waste by the blistering sun.  Khoja went on to say, “the film goes out of its way to promote understanding between the world’s Islamic rulers and the vile infidel slaves that survive Allah’s wrath in order to serve their new masters”.

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