US District Court Upholds Crazy Hate Speech
Chanting their well known tag line of “God Hates Fags”, members of Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church, burst into cheers upon hearing that a Missouri law prohibiting their disruption of U.S. Soldiers’ funerals had been struck down as unconstitutional. U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan ruled yesterday that Missouri’s attempt to allow grieving family and friends a quiet, dignified funeral for their fallen warriors was a slap in the face to those who wish to channel their hate via religious means. Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro church and accused child abuser, hailed the ruling as just and profound. “At last a little reason and sanity have prevailed, said Phelps, in a country where faggotry and idolatry have trumped all over the rights of His people to preach against our sodomite soldiers dying from Satan’s bullets and slings in the heart of lust and devouring Krispy Kreme doughnuts, in Jesus name I pray.”
Justin Meeks, attorney for parents Myron and Sylvia Chelsea, said that all his clients had asked for was a chance to lay their son to rest without interference by Phelps’ picketers, who shouted down the priest delivering a graveside benediction. Peter Chelsea, 24, had been killed in Afghanistan, while fending off Taliban attackers determined to burn down a girls’ school in Fayan Province with the girls still inside.
“They used bullhorns to scream obscenities at the gravesite, said Mrs. Chelsea, they called Peter a ‘worthless maggot of filth who died because he hadn’t worshipped the right way’. They held up a sign saying, ‘Thank God for Dead Soldiers’ and exposed themselves while doing some kind of weird dance.”
Asked about the Chelseas’ comments Reverend Phelps denounced the soldiers’ parents as “scum sucking defenders of homosexual eroticism”, before dropping his pants to reveal a panoramic tattoo on his buttocks depicting an outhouse and a banner stating, “This way to the glory hole of redemption.” Phelps said now that his constitutional right to hate had been upheld in court, his flock would descend on Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to denounce the “fag signers of the Declaration of Independence” and to urinate on the Liberty Bell as called for in his own hand written version of the Bible.
Illegal Immigrant Problem Solved!
With all the frenetic ranting and raving about the ongoing problem of illegal immigration in the US the obvious answer has been overlooked. Much has been made about the number of illegals here, estimated to be around 13 million, most of them Mexican. The prospect of somehow deporting these millions has been pretty much shelved, even by the most virulent conservatives. Not because they wouldn’t like to see it done, but because it would take too long and cost way too much money. Taxpayer anger has been directed at the illegals (as it always is during depressed economic times) as a huge drain on resources such as schools, hospitals and prisons. The immigration debate has become something of the old chestnut that “everybody talks about the weather but no one does anything about it”. Well, at last we can do something about it. The answer has been revealed and it comes from the most unlikely backwater of the debate. Governor Rick Perry of Texas unwittingly stumbled across the solution while dreaming up his plan for his state to secede from the union. While seceding is an excellent idea, it doesn’t go far enough. What is needed is for Texas to form the third leg of the new American triad. We already have Blue states and Red states, but all this has done is to divide the country into two increasingly antagonistic factions. We need another color to add to the political rainbow in this nation. We need a Brown state. We need “Mexas”.
Think about it: all illegals would be granted immediate Mexas citizenship the minute they drove through the gates of the barricaded nation state that used to be Texas. Thirteen million is not a huge number when compared to states like California or New York and there would be ample room once all the white residents had been deported to Red and Blue states. Under the Red, White and Brown Mandate, the citizens of Mexas would be issued ID cards good anywhere in the Continental US. These cards would by statute deny medical care, driver licenses, education and Fourth Amendment rights, but would allow employment outside of Mexas ,as long as the salaries earned were no more than 65% of the Federal minimum wage. This would allow US corporations access to plenty of exploitable labor while at the same time removing from the debate the argument that illegals take Americans’ jobs, since only brown skinned workers could be legally hired for such work as picking strawberries and gutting chickens at Tyson poultry plants.
Those Mexas-icans who decided they needed medical treatment or education would have to return to their new home state to get it. Taxes from the rest of America would be restricted to paying for upkeep of the barbed wire around Mexas and bus transportation for the Mexas residents to get to and from their jobs in Red and Blue America. And what of the children born of illegals , who up to now have been granted automatic citizenship? Naturally, for the new laws to work, the 14th Amendment would have to be repealed and US citizenship revoked from these folks. Sorry kids, but some minor inconveniences will have to be put up with by those who chose the wrong time and place to be born. Now, admittedly, there may be some initial confusion in sorting out the legal Brown Skins from the illegal all over America, but at this very moment Congress is working on legislation to develop a biometric identification card for all Hispanic looking citizens. Until then, the Arizona Highway Patrol has volunteered to handle the stop and question duties in determining who’s who in the zoo, based on reasonable suspicion.
Texas to Secede and Become Glenbeckistan
Texas Governor, Rick Perry, announced today the formation of a committee to investigate the feasibility of his state seceding from the union and becoming a self sustaining country within the borders of the Continental United States.
“We Texans were always a stand alone crowd. We were standing together but alone before we were a state, and unlike other states we got only one star on the U.S. Flag. That’s why we’re called the Lone Star State. The Mexicans tried to take our land, but when they invaded, we built the Alamo and kicked their tortilla eating asses. After that we captured Santa Ana, their commanding general and shipped him to California where they named a freeway after him. But I’m getting ahead of myself historically.
Our plan is to secede from the United States and become a separate country called Glenbeckistan where all the patriots stand together alone. That federal constitution with all its bothersome amendments will be null and void. We will no longer pay taxes to the federal government, in fact there will BE no taxes. In Glenbeckistan everybody will build their own hospitals, sewage plants, and toll roads. You build a hospital and then charge admission to get in. You build a toll road and then collect from everybody who wants to use it. In Glenbeckistan we’ll have an all volunteer police force and fire department. There won’t be much crime since we’re keeping out undesirables like blacks, Mexicans, Hawaiians, liberals, homosexuals and orientals. We’ll be a Christian nation just like the United States used to be. Our law will be the Holy Bible and we will smite anyone who violates the Commandments as interpreted by the Lone Star Holy Inquisition.
Some have said that in Glenbeckistan women will be downtrodden and discriminated against. Nothing could be further from the truth. Naturally, women won’t be seen much. It’s unlikely their husbands will let them drive cars and such, and when they do go outside they’ll have to be covered appropriately so’s their naughty parts aren’t inviting lust. The Moose-lums at least got that part right. In Glenbeckistan women will concenrate on fulfilling their God given role as servants and breeders and let the men decide what’s best for them.
Prayer will naturally be mandatory. All over Glenbeckistan church bells will ring when it’s time to face west (away from Washington, DC) and pray to the Holy Father. Faiths other than Christianity will, of course, be tolerated, but their houses of worship will be burned to the ground, the church members sent to re-education camps and their assets seized. Oh, and it goes without saying that they won’t be permitted to reproduce, but other than that, anything goes.
Morality on the streets of Glenbeckistan will be enforced by the Loyal Order of Holy Rednex whose job it will be to ensure that the sexes are properly separated, improper books removed from shelves, immoral movie houses shut down, and that women are always accompanied by husbands or male relatives.
Schools will be encouraged to teach proper world history and science (Bible and Creationism) but differing points of view are always encouraged. Just kidding!
Healthcare will be provided as needed: if you can’t afford it, you don’t need it.
As you might guess, we’re not too worried about illegals trying to sneak into Glenbeckistan, but we may need some pretty tall fences to keep folks from escaping.
Holy Bile: Good Book for the Age of Nutbaggery
Having thrown in the towel when it comes to actually living according to the teachings of the Bible, the Right Wing and Values Voters noise machines have come up with an entirely new edition that departs from the early Judeo-Christian tome. This one is called the Holy Bile and cites chapter and verse the blatherings of the new leaders of the conservative movement in America. Some selections:
Beck 33:64
Suffer not the clucking on the Left when citing scripture of The Ronald, for He was there in the Beginning and set down the rules for the Right and dozed endlessly with righteous dementia. And thus emerged Nancy of Ronald with astrology to guide the ship of state during Iran-gate following the October Surprise and subjugation of the southern peanut farmer.
Clusterfox 11:11
Oh fear ye not the bloated white whale of the airwaves for it is Limbaugh whose gross, distended belly doth reflect the rage of the Right; he of the rambling diatribe, he of the double tongue and of the double chins who doth speak the truths though they be of his own creation, and even while possessed by the demon Hillbilly Heroin he doth chide and scold and rankle the purveyors of fact.
Olbermanium 22:12
And lo, the missiles of Stinger were handed down to Bin Laden by The Ronald through clandestine machinations of Oliver cum North, and thus did they arm Mujahadeen in the before times intending the defeat of the Bear within the Graveyard of Empires. And thus was there gnashing of teeth in decades unforeseen when Mujahadeen did take up the mantle of Al Qeda, and bin Laden did vent his rage, felling two towers in the land of the infidels at the opening of the New Century during the revelations of My Pet Goat.
Hannity 23:12
If thy neighbor’s tongue doth annoy with truth, then louder thou shalt speak, for to bloviate intemperately and at volume without pause is the way of the Right, so sayeth Hannity.
GOP: Healthcare Not for the Unhealthy
Appearing at the GOP’s weekly “No On Everything” meeting, House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BONER) spoke out against the current healthcare proposals being discussed in Congress and in the media. Noting the hush that fell over the crowd when he strode up to the podium wearing clown makeup, Boehner hastened to explain his appearance. “As the ‘Party of No’ we have a responsibility to our loyal base, small as that may be these days. I intend to wear this ridiculous face paint to embarrass our illegitimate president into abandoning his clownish behavior or stepping down and returning to Kenya, whichever occurs first”. At this point Boehner attempted to juggle three oranges for reporters but fumbled almost immediately. “As you can see, clowning isn’t one of my strong points, he said, squirting a stream of water into the face of CNN reporter Derek Means, from a lapel mounted faux flower. “This whole healthcare reform nonsense is a perfect example of what’s wrong in Washington these days. We in Congress have top notch taxpayer funded medical care for life, why would we want to ‘reform’ that? Americans all over America would be insulted if I rejected the insurance they provide me. Our foreign born president says he wants affordable healthcare for every man, woman and child in the U.S. and I say that’s just not going to happen. According to the World Health Organization France is number one in delivering healthcare to its citizens. France! Remember Freedom Fries? Right now we’re number 37 , just below Costa Rica and just above Slovenia, but hey, that makes Slovenia number 38! Could we improve on that? Sure, but that would mean delivering expensive medical care to a shit load of unhealthy Americans. Our position is that if you need to see a doctor, you’re obviously a health risk. We can’t ask a reputable insurance company to take you on when you need care…. that would be crazy! Do you get to buy auto insurance after you crash into something? Let’s remember that the goal of insurance companies is to make money and every dollar they waste on doctors and medicine is a dollar that won’t go to CEO’s or shareholders. That’s billions of dollars that won’t be spent on yachts, cottages in the Hamptons and first class hookers. That could wreck the economy and squander the budget surplus left by President Bush. We in the GOP say that America was built on individualism and strong laws against using the wrong orifice during the sacred act of copulation. Sarah Palin said it best when she didn’t quit by resigning as governor: ‘only dead fish go with the flow’, was her rallying cry and only God knows what pit bulls she’ll be putting lipstick on now. bless her heart. So let’s head home to our constituents during this August recess and make the voters understand that if they want everyone to have decent healthcare they should move to France. But maybe not Slovenia”.
It’s Palin / Prejean in 2012!
In the midst of her “I’m No Quitter – Prove It” tour, Sarah Palin took time out on Friday to announce her plans for the future. “I asked you all here today to make an announcement”, said the former governor/mayor /pagent queen, speaking at the Moose Hump bingo parlor in Yakutat, Alaska, before dozens of onlookers. “By now you’ve all heard that I didn’t get to be vice president of Alaska and also the other states as well. And I can tell ya that the reason was because of my running mate, John McCain, who proved himself to be a quitter on election night last year. He conceded just as we were about to win in a turn around landslide, let me tell ya, and the rest as we say up here, is history. So I asked myself, I said ‘Sarah, do you want to continue going on with being a governor’ and I said, thanks but no thanks. So I’m writin’ a book about my fishing experiences and I’m also going to run for president the next time there’s an election goin’ on. Well, I know you’re all wondering if John McCain will want to be vice president which is a question which bottles the mind. In other words, it’s mind bottling because John is an old misguided missile. I want to share the oval office of president with someone more of my intellect caliber, someone who shares my views and my dress size. Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, is someone who fits with the formal and the ladder. She understands what it’s like to be shoulder to shoulder with a much older man who weighs us down like an anchor on a rowboat, such as John McCain and Donald Trump. Although she lives in California, her knowledge of foreign lands goes much further, even including places like Wisconsin and Fargo North Carolina where that evil Kim Jung whatever lives with his pompadour and atomic missiles. That he also launches. Carrie and I are a compliment to each other. What I don’t know she has no idea about and this is called sympathetic vibration, something that even Todd doesn’t lack. That’s Todd the husband not Todd Rundgren the music makin’ guy. So there ya have it in a nutbag, it’s me and Carrie in ….. the next election, whenever that is. Vote for us like you mean business and so do I!”
Palin Fondles Salmon, Resigns
Speaking from the stern of her husband’s fishing boat, the Wingnut, former V.P. hopeful Sarah Palin addressed a select group of reporters and citizens in Wasalia, Alaska yesterday. “Excuse me for being a touch out of breath, gasped Alaska’s controversial governor, I was up all night humping a sockeye… that’s what we anglers call it when ya bag the big one, ya know.” Palin displayed a still twitching sockeye salmon as she winked at her husband, Todd, who was wearing a T shirt bearing the logo “I Have the Big One”. Palin went on to say, “I called you all together this morning to hear an important announcement which I’ll be announcing shortly. Before I do, though, I just wanted to compare my governor-incy to a sports metaphor, cause as you know, I was point guard on my high school basketball team and ya know I can still get into those shorts whether I’m guarding points or going after the big one (another wink at Todd). You have to keep your head high and your shoelaces tied to be a success in point guardin’ and in life, too, as well. Not so much when you’re playin’ the flute (another wink) but ya get the drift of what I’m sayin’ here.” A reporter from the Wasalia Flounder shouted out, “what ARE you saying?” Palin hurled the salmon at the vexed journalist. “Now, that’s what I was gettin’ to… about the media and all. I was up here in the northern region minding my own beeswax last year when that McCain feller asked me out to lunch and the next thing ya know I’m on a friggin’ bridge to nowhere. And I said, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and they said I could be the next vice president. Now as ya know I had just given birth to little Bilge Pump, which was the one just after Squiggy. Or was that Sprocket…. anyway, I let go of the big one and got on board and the press and the media and that Katy Couric said I wasn’t ready to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office, which isn’t true of course, because even Joe the Plumber said my pipes were ready to handle the big one…and a plumber would know that, about my pipes and all. But as you can see, I’m about as close to the Oval Office as Vladimir Putin whose head often appears on the horizon over there, being as how we’re neighbors to Russia.” Palin then gathered her family around her at the microphone. “So there ya go, you media people. Go ahead and print that and twist it any way you want because you won’t have Sarah Palin to kick around any more. Anybody have questions?” Washington Post reporter Jeremy Fine, pointing at his blank notebook page, said, “Governor Palin…. why are we here?” Stepping down into a rowboat alongside the Wingnut (the boat, not Todd) shot back, “You’re asking me why you’re here? Go and pray to Jesus for that information. I’m not a theologian, I’m just an ex-governor”.
U.S. Missile Defense Ready? Not So Much.
In the wake of claims from North Korea that its latest missile test would see a long range Taepodong weapon launched toward Hawaii, Defense Secretary Robert Gates assured nervous lawmakers in Congress that America is ready to meet any potential threat from Kim Jung Il’s regime. “Any missile targeting Hawaii or for that matter, the west coast of the United States will be met by our proven ground launched interceptors, said Gates speaking before the Armed Services Committee yesterday. “As long as the weather is clear Americans have nothing to worry about.” This caveat prompted Senator Jim Webb (D-Va) to ask for an explanation. “Well, said Gates, just as with our many interceptor test firings, we naturally insist that the weather be condusive to a successful impact. If there are clouds, wind, rain or heaven forbid, a typhoon, we probably wouldn’t even bother undertaking a launch. “Other than that, though, asked Webb, there is nothing to worry about?” Gates shuffled some papers in front of him. “Well, that and the speed of the enemy projectile. Our interceptors are unable to track anything above or below a particular speed. But speed and weather aside we can hit anything launched against us. As long as the North Koreans give us advance notice of the exact trajectory of their missile.” Webb looked perplexed. “Why on earth would the North Koreans give us that information, Secretary Gates?” The Secretary looked annoyed. “Senator, haven’t you followed the progress of our interceptor test program? Every time we’ve conducted one of these tests we’ve always known exactly where to look for the target. How are we supposed to hit it if we don’t even know which part of the sky to watch? We’re not wizards you know, this isn’t some Hollywood movie we’re talking about here.” Senator Sessions (R-AL) spoke up. “Just so we all know what the limitations of our defense system are, let me summarize and y’all can fill in any blanks. America is completely impervious to a missile strike from North Korea as long as the weather is clear, and we know the speed and trajectory of the missile, correct”? Relieved to find a friendly face among the Committee members, Gate regained some of his enthusiasm. “That’s correct, Senator Sessions. Except, of course, for the decoy issue. As you know in our testing program, we never successfully targeted a missile that deployed decoy warheads, but we’ve got our fingers crossed that the North Koreans don’t know that. How could they? They’d have to have been watching U.S. news programs in order to pick up on that information. So as long as they leave out the decoys and …. let me stress the importance here…as long as their missile has a targeting sensor on board for our interceptors to home in on, it’s a slam dunk.” Sessions expressed confusion. “Targeting sensor?” Gates slammed his fist on the table startling the Committee members. “My god, sir, do none of you keep track of our anti-missile tests? In order for our interceptors to hit the target missile it is absoutely essential that it be equipped with a long range homing device that our radar can lock onto, otherwise we may as well save the cost of the launch and just throw rocks at it!”
44 Wants Your .44
“He’s up there in Washington Dee Cee, and by God he’s planning on ways to get our guns.” So began guest speaker Reverend Desmond Fullbright at the NRA Meeting of the Minds Jamboree in Sasquatch, Georgia. Held once a month since the inauguration of the 44th president, the NRA Jamboree is billed as a miasma of right wing cogitation. “You seen how on the day the liberals moved him into the White House he didn’t say nothin’ at all about guns, right? Well there you go, that’s your proof right there.” The planned agenda of the fifth Jamboree session, printed on bulls eye target sheets, listed such topics as: No Guns = No God, The Lord is MY Shepherd not Yours, Chitlins Trump Sushi, and He Already Got My Brain Now He Wants My Gun. “Everybody knows that Muslim-ism causes cancer, said Fullbright, continuing his rant, and that goddam Nigerian is bringin’ plane loads of Muslims into America on board Air Force One; he’s never denied it, so there’s your proof right there!” Numerous vendors were set up around the speaking platform and doing brisk business as Jamboree attendees dressed in overalls and war surplus military camouflage rooted among the offerings grunting approval or dismissal. The biggest seller of the day proved to be a painting on black velvet featuring Barack Obama prying a pistol from the cold dead hand of Mother Teresa with the caption, “No armed honkies allowed in Obama-Land”.
Pentagon Spends $20,000 per Second
Testifying before Congress yesterday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates defended his decision to end a number of military projects he deemed wasteful or inappropriate. “Gentlemen, said Gates, the Pentagon is currently spending over $20,000 per second for all its operations around the globe. I feel that much of that taxpayer money is being wasted.” Asked to be specific about his criticism, the Secretary nodded to a subordinate who began projecting a Powerpoint presentation. The first image displayed was a boxcar sized contraption with a large metal scoop and several mechanical appendages emerging from its upper surface. “This is the XP-49, code named Gobbler, produced by Halitron-Worthington of Waco, Texas. It is constructed of titanium alloy, has gears made of industrial diamonds, can only be operated under a narrow set of climate controlled conditons, is manned by 12 specialists and requires 200,000 volts of electricity to function. It costs $456 million per copy” There was a buzz of conversation among the members of the Armed Services subcommittee before Senator Milvane spoke up, “Very impressive, Secretary Gates, very impressive. Obviously made in the USA, appears sturdy, has a commanding presence, but what does it do?” Secretary Gates read from a spec analysis, “The XP-49 was developed to replace the obsolete XP-39, code named Douche Bagger, by adding two more levels of manganese projection diodes along its dorsal surface. These diodes were further enhanced by the inclusion of a chain activated drop-down incandescent globe that consumes a paltry 40 watts and justifies the additional $68 million dollar add on to the overall cost.” A voice from the back of the room spoke up. “Mister Secretary….. a ‘drop-down incandescent globe…. ?” Secretary Gates seemingly embarrassed shuffled the papers in front of him. “It’s a 40 watt light bulb with a pull chain, Senator; it was so dark inside the X-39 that the technicians had to use flashlights whenever it became necessary to rotate the Cautionary Flannus tubes and overhaul the reverse threaded crank wheel sprockets. Obviously you don’t want to accidentally step on a Flannus tube in the dark!” There was general agreement among the senators present on that observation. “Now as to what the damned thing does…. well, we’re not entirely sure, and that’s the problem. The first of these units was developed during the Reagan administration at the height of the Star Wars anti-missile expenditures and all information about it was classified as ‘Double Dog Team Hanky Spank Pack Top Secret’. As you know, gentlemen, no one including myself, has clearance for that level of security, so the actual function of the X-49 remains a mystery. As near as we can determine from the original sketches made by the inventor, pulling the plug on this project will either reverse the rotation of the planet, or make carbon paper obsolete. So keep it or drop it? My advice would be to flip a coin”.