America’s Sweetheart Abandons Dream in Iowa
Standing resolutely before supporters in a teal pant suit with lavender pumps, Marcus Bachmann wept openly today as he announced that because his wife, Michele, had garnered only 5% of the vote in the Iowa caucus, he would not be taking his place by her side as First Lady on Inauguration Day.
“I don’t know what went wrong, he sobbed, wringing a linen hanky, God told her to run for president, I know He did because I was listening in on the other line.”
One of the reporters covering the event noted that God had also reportedly told Governor Rick Perry to run as well, and did that mean that both candidates had been punked by their creator? “Listen mister, said the indignant Marcus, “Rick Perry isn’t even fit to coordinate my Michele’s wardrobe. Have you seen what that Texas ruffian wears to campaign rallies? I mean seriously, would God promote someone so gauche as to wear a crew neck under a dress shirt, puleeeeze! And tell me what fashion statement he sends with those tight blue jeans that hug the curves of his wiener. Could Rick Perry cure barbarian gays through prayer and stiff, unrelenting discipline while raking in taxpayer subsidies, as occurs with Bachmann and Associates Pray-Away-the Gay Clinics? I think not! God spoke to Rick Perry? I say liar, liar pants on fire to Texas macho man. God made Michele rank last in the Iowa race so that we would have no doubt about what comes next. He may have closed one door, but he has opened a window. And I think I know just what drapes that window needs!”
Big Oil to America: Frack Off!
“Here we go again”, said Speaker of the House John Boehner, taking a moment from his his weekly summation of Republican filibusters to ridicule environmental regulations. “The patriotic petroleum industry finds a new way to tap fossil energy and keep America firmly in the 19th century, and here comes the EPA to screw things up.”
He was referring to a recent EPA report that linked underground fracking done to release natural gas, to the sudden emergence of combustible drinking water in areas of Wyoming. “They act like benzene is a bad thing,” said Boehner, “and they go on and on about tremors, brain damage, anemia, cancer, coma, death…..without once mentioning that the average Wyoming citizen’s faucet has just become a gold mine. Think about it, now that the groundwater is flammable it’s much more valuable. Whenever they’re not using it to cook, brush their teeth, take showers or do laundry, they can use it to heat their homes, fill up the gas tanks in their cars and trucks and and fire up the barbecue. Think of all the money they’ll save! I hear you can also use it to strip paint, clean carburetors and make embalming fluid.”
Asked about the dangers to pregnant women and their unborn fetuses, Mr. Boehner called on the assembled members of the media to remember what Governor Rick Perry had said at one of the recent carnival-style presidential debates. “He said that if elected president he would move into the Alamo, criminalize illegal acts and do another thing that I can’t remember right now. Oops.”
GOP Hopefuls’ Bitefest 2012
October 28, 2011 by DocHopper · Leave a Comment
“Gonna melt it down to add 999 miles to the border fence,” was the answer given by GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain, when asked about his Statue of Liberty plan at the most recent Republican debate, or as anti-tax activist Grover Norquist calls it, “the Freak Show.” Mr. Cain expanded on his statue rhetoric when given a chance to respond for 30 seconds, after being chided by the 9th most popular candidate, Governor Rick Perry. “Ain’t nuthin’ American about inviting masses and tribes of starving poor people right through our front door. Huh! ‘Give me your huddled masses’ sound more like handing you off a pile of dog poo or a Godfather’s pizza. I never got nuthin’ for free in my life so why should they!”
Would-be candidate Michelle Bachmann, while agreeing that the Statue of Liberty was a beacon for immigrants like leaving your door unlocked is a beacon for burglars, couldn’t resist sticking it to the former pizza seller when she challenged him about his “getting nuthin’ for free” claim. She said, “ I happen to know that your ancestors got a free boat ride from Africa a couple of hundred years ago, and were charged nothing for their upkeep at the various cotton plantations in the South where they were allowed to lay about and dabble in agriculture for generations,” she said. Bachmann added that when Paul Revere delivered the Liberty Bell to Gettysburg at the conclusion of Spanish-American War, President Lincoln, a Republican, had said absolutely nothing about slavery, proving that it didn’t exist.
When Perry was called upon to reveal his plan to relieve America’s unemployment problem, the six term Texas governor ticked off his ten point proposal on his fingers saying, “jobs” ten times in a row. He then fleshed out his plan. “It really isn’t that hard to comprehend, he said, cocking his head to one side in a move reminiscent of a certain former president, “jobs are so plentiful in Texas that everyone has at least three of them, and we’re building more Taco Bells and Burger Kings every day to keep them coming.” And then, ignoring Anderson Cooper’s time -cut -off hand signal, Perry plunged ahead explaining his flat tax proposal. “No one on this stage has a tax flatter than my flat tax. I call it the “flat out” tax. I say flat out, that the richest Americans have been screwed over for years and it’s time for working people and the poor to pick up the tab for once. And that includes any Kenyan who squats in the Oval Office pretending to be president, who shall remain nameless. Wink, wink.” (Governor Perry’s spokesman later defended the candidate’s saying, “wink, wink” rather than … you know… actually winking, because that would have had voters confusing him with Sarah Palin when he’s actually trying to convince them that he’s the reincarnation of Saint Ronald).
Mitt Romney, whose last presidential bid failed to gain traction, was the next to speak. “First off I’d like to get past the ongoing claim that I’m a flip-flopper, who will say whatever I think the audience wants to hear. Does anyone have a request for what they want to hear? (ba-dump-bump) Just kidding, folks…. seriously, I’m here all week and I’m in this race to win, despite my Mormon faith which has been branded a cult. To which I say, Christians, show me your underwear and I’ll show you mine. We’ll see who has magic symbols on their briefs and who doesn’t. Or not. Maybe Mormonism is a cult after all, who can say one way or another in a world where corporations are people, my friends. I don’t disagree with my opponents about tax issues in this country, but neither can I support what they’re saying until I find out which plan is most popular in the polls. Until then I’ll stand on my record of creating a basically socialist healthcare plan in Massachusetts which I have thoroughly disowned despite its obvious success. Believe me, I’m as unhappy as anyone that President Obama copied the plan that I didn’t come up with. And on these positions I am rock solid.
Last to speak was Ron Paul, who spent his first five minutes complaining about having to always be last and being the butt of jokes about his false eyebrows falling off at several of the debates. “At the core of Libertarianism is the belief that government is something we don’t need until we do. Like a fire extinguisher but not nearly as efficient. Think of a fire extinguisher that gets bigger and bigger until there’s no building big enough to put it in. And then someone yells, ‘fire’ and everyone says that someone else should have kept the size down because now the extinguisher is too big to carry to the fire. But that would have required regulating the size which is the last thing we need to argue about and which is why you never see me in public with a fire extinguisher. Of any kind. We should get out of Iraq and Afghanistan and make them buy our fire extinguishers. It’s the least they could do after forcing us to invade them and drop sacks of money on them from the air for all these years. Has anyone seen my eyebrows? My last set walked off stage stuck to the bottom of Rick Perry’s boot.
GOP Wingnut Decries US Assistance to Lesbian Rebels
Fresh off her “Rewrite History Our Way” speaking tour, US Representative Michele Bachman made an unscheduled stop in Madison, Wisconsin to attend a book burning outside the state’s capitol building. Dozens of the torchers in attendance were visibly invigorated by the appearance of the vitriolic congresswoman and urged her to make a statement as they built a bonfire out of dictionaries and encyclopedias. “I don’t know what you’re doing here today, exactly, she said, but if it involves fire and books, I’m obviously for it.” Looking perpetually startled as always, the Minnesota Republican wasted little time before launching into an anti Obama diatribe.
“If you’ve followed the news as closely as I have in the last few weeks, you know that our Kenyan dictator has sent US forces to defend the lesbian rebels in in Tripoli. You’d think he’d be satisfied with invading Iraq and Afghanistan, but no…. now he sends our young men and women to fight for lesbians in Tripoli. What’s next? Africa? Maybe he thinks rebellion is a good thing, well I don’t! Where we would we be today if we had begun this great country of ours as a bunch of shabbily dressed rebels? Would we be a nation of lesbians? I think not! Those of us who read the Good Book know that not once are lesbians mentioned. Which means that they don’t exist. Which means there is no reason to drop bombs on Wal-Marts in Tripoli. I say enough already… have you seen what Gadaffi has to wear these days, now that he has to scrounge around in the thrift stores? It’s embarrassing…. I mean the man has been an ally of ours since 2006 when George W. Bush took him off the Democrat terror list. How he wound up on that list anyway just because of some plane crash in Scotland is way above my pay grade. So let’s recap: Obama is defending lesbians which don’t exist and weakening our military in the process, which is already stretched like Dolly Parton’s bra straps, so that he can call up his secret army and herd freedom loving Americans into his concentration camps which have been funded by George Soros in order to sap our precious bodily fluids. I hope I can count on your vote in 2012, in Jesus’ name I pray. Thank you and goodnight.”
Justice Clarence Thomas: Asset or Just an Enigma?
Of all the Supreme Court justices, it is Clarence Thomas who is perhaps the most inscrutable. Often called the “Ebony Sphinx” of the panel, he is noted for not uttering a single word during over 350 cases argued before the Court in the last six years. While some have said that his rapt attention to the issues presented in hearings preclude interrupting the attorneys as they speak, others have wondered aloud if he has had images of eyeballs tattooed on his eyelids so that he can nap during the proceedings.
Chastised by detractors because his written opinions are as sparse as his spoken statements, many on the Left have scorned his frequent use of a pre-inked rubber stamp on Supreme Court opinions that simply says, “I agree with Justice Scalia”.
On the rare occasions when Justice Thomas takes on public speaking engagements, he is noted for staying away from thorny issues involving the law or politics, preferring instead to regale his audiences with folksy stories from his childhood, which invariably include anecdotes about floating down the Mississippi river on a raft with his friends Tom and Huck. In fact, Thomas credits his relationship with Tom as providing the spark that got him belatedly going off to school to learn “the Three R’s”.
When asked about their colleague on the nation’s highest court, some of the other justices are often vague in their responses. Chief Justice John Roberts, for instance, is quoted as having said, “what’s to say… Clarence was already on the Court when I took over. I do like the way he …. doesn’t rock the boat.”
Justice Antonin Scalia was a bit more caustic. “He’s always looking over my shoulder when I write my opinions. He waits until the last minute to add his two cents.”
When asked whether she thought Clarence Thomas was an asset to the Court in its current configuration, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg simply said, “who?”
Dick Cheney In Search of Human Heart. Yours?
Rumors about a notorious relic from the Bush administration turned out to be true according to the latest spate of documents posted by Wikileaks. Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center confirmed that former vice president Dick Cheney is actively seeking a human heart to replace the mechanical pump currently forcing artificial blood through his decaying circulatory system.
“Mr Cheney had expressed annoyance with the current steam powered unit due to the loud wheezing and gurgling noises produced by the Defcon V, that was installed only last year,” said Dr. V.L. Sanderson, of the Walter Reed cardiology unit. “We had hoped to get our hands on a state of the art pump currently being produced in China, but have been informed that all of the pumps coming off the assembly line are needed in washing machines intended for domestic distribution.”
It was reported that Cheney had himself come up with the idea of procuring a human heart and had even flown to Tucson last week in hopes of snagging a still beating organ from the chest of a shooting victim there. “Unfortunately, the patient we had in mind objected to giving up his heart on the grounds of simple human decency. He said that he’d rather see his heart ground up and rendered as dog food than allow Cheney to possess it. Besides which, he was still using it, which made Dick somewhat petulant.” During an appearance on Meet the Press last Sunday, Cheney groused about the selfishness of some Americans: “it’s always about me, me, me, grumbled the former VP, as his mechanical pump clanked and hissed, you’d think that in this time of national tragedy someone would give a little bit of themselves, so that I don’t have to take what I need from someone else.”
Palin Reloads, Doubles Down
Commenting on her Facebook page, following the massacre in Tucson, AZ over the weekend, failed Governor Sarah Palin reacted angrily to growing media attention about her “crosshairs” list of Democrat incumbents to target for removal. “I wish the gosh darn lame stream media would get off my case, she wrote. Also too I would like to point out the way they got it all wrong. If you look at my Crosshairs Chart you can plainly see that I zeroed in squarely on Representative Giffords’ back, not her head. And so this looney toon who began shootin’ ya know, he put one in her head, not her back, so it’s obvious it had nothing to do at all with my chart. And just cause I said on the chart that the socialist Democrats are ‘targeted for removal’, some dumb bunny on MSNBC said I was inviting people to violence. Where all do they get this stuff is what I want to know. In addition moreover as well, the very idea that my statement, “don’t retreat–reload” was some kinda ..ya know… reference or whatever to guns and shootin’, well I gotta say that anybody who believes that would just as likely go and put lipstick on a pitbull. Case closed is all I’m sayin’.
“I Have to Scream” Speech Draws Obese Crowd in DC
August 30, 2010 by DocHopper · 2 Comments
Speaking before a crowd whose total estimated weight ranged between 95 and 850 tons, self proclaimed master of gibberish, Glenn Beck, exhorted his followers to seize the day, take back America and get going when the going gets tough. The much awaited “I Have to Scream” speech coincidentally took place on the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s famous oratory, and as luck would have it, occurred at the same spot and time. Even Mr. Beck noticed the seeming parallels to the speech delivered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial decades ago, but took pains to point out that he was standing on a different step at the memorial than that of Dr. King. “I’m also wearing a bullet proof vest, he explained, and that’s something King was too cowardly to do.”
“As I look out at this crowd that’s 99.999% white I can’t help feeling that race has something to do with my popularity, although I officially scoff at the notion. After all, I have nothing against the Mud People. They can’t help being inferior, and I can’t help reminding them of it, day after day after day. Even President Obama, a Mud Person himself, has to admit that his shortcomings are legion. If they weren’t Fox News couldn’t keep talking about them.”
“But I’m not here to divide the nation into two warring factions, rather I’m here to take advantage of the fact that it’s already been done. My father always told me, ‘blessed are the meek under the heel of the jack boot’ and in my heart I know he was right. And you know he was right. And when I say ‘my father’ you know that I’m channeling the divine spirit here, in whose name I pray. For when this great nation was forged on a crucible of righteous holy spirit, they said we are Christians who stand on this hallowed ground for the germination of all who went before and lived to tell about it. And in God’s name, who can argue with that?” Amen.
US District Court Upholds Crazy Hate Speech
Chanting their well known tag line of “God Hates Fags”, members of Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church, burst into cheers upon hearing that a Missouri law prohibiting their disruption of U.S. Soldiers’ funerals had been struck down as unconstitutional. U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan ruled yesterday that Missouri’s attempt to allow grieving family and friends a quiet, dignified funeral for their fallen warriors was a slap in the face to those who wish to channel their hate via religious means. Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro church and accused child abuser, hailed the ruling as just and profound. “At last a little reason and sanity have prevailed, said Phelps, in a country where faggotry and idolatry have trumped all over the rights of His people to preach against our sodomite soldiers dying from Satan’s bullets and slings in the heart of lust and devouring Krispy Kreme doughnuts, in Jesus name I pray.”
Justin Meeks, attorney for parents Myron and Sylvia Chelsea, said that all his clients had asked for was a chance to lay their son to rest without interference by Phelps’ picketers, who shouted down the priest delivering a graveside benediction. Peter Chelsea, 24, had been killed in Afghanistan, while fending off Taliban attackers determined to burn down a girls’ school in Fayan Province with the girls still inside.
“They used bullhorns to scream obscenities at the gravesite, said Mrs. Chelsea, they called Peter a ‘worthless maggot of filth who died because he hadn’t worshipped the right way’. They held up a sign saying, ‘Thank God for Dead Soldiers’ and exposed themselves while doing some kind of weird dance.”
Asked about the Chelseas’ comments Reverend Phelps denounced the soldiers’ parents as “scum sucking defenders of homosexual eroticism”, before dropping his pants to reveal a panoramic tattoo on his buttocks depicting an outhouse and a banner stating, “This way to the glory hole of redemption.” Phelps said now that his constitutional right to hate had been upheld in court, his flock would descend on Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to denounce the “fag signers of the Declaration of Independence” and to urinate on the Liberty Bell as called for in his own hand written version of the Bible.
Illegal Immigrant Problem Solved!
With all the frenetic ranting and raving about the ongoing problem of illegal immigration in the US the obvious answer has been overlooked. Much has been made about the number of illegals here, estimated to be around 13 million, most of them Mexican. The prospect of somehow deporting these millions has been pretty much shelved, even by the most virulent conservatives. Not because they wouldn’t like to see it done, but because it would take too long and cost way too much money. Taxpayer anger has been directed at the illegals (as it always is during depressed economic times) as a huge drain on resources such as schools, hospitals and prisons. The immigration debate has become something of the old chestnut that “everybody talks about the weather but no one does anything about it”. Well, at last we can do something about it. The answer has been revealed and it comes from the most unlikely backwater of the debate. Governor Rick Perry of Texas unwittingly stumbled across the solution while dreaming up his plan for his state to secede from the union. While seceding is an excellent idea, it doesn’t go far enough. What is needed is for Texas to form the third leg of the new American triad. We already have Blue states and Red states, but all this has done is to divide the country into two increasingly antagonistic factions. We need another color to add to the political rainbow in this nation. We need a Brown state. We need “Mexas”.
Think about it: all illegals would be granted immediate Mexas citizenship the minute they drove through the gates of the barricaded nation state that used to be Texas. Thirteen million is not a huge number when compared to states like California or New York and there would be ample room once all the white residents had been deported to Red and Blue states. Under the Red, White and Brown Mandate, the citizens of Mexas would be issued ID cards good anywhere in the Continental US. These cards would by statute deny medical care, driver licenses, education and Fourth Amendment rights, but would allow employment outside of Mexas ,as long as the salaries earned were no more than 65% of the Federal minimum wage. This would allow US corporations access to plenty of exploitable labor while at the same time removing from the debate the argument that illegals take Americans’ jobs, since only brown skinned workers could be legally hired for such work as picking strawberries and gutting chickens at Tyson poultry plants.
Those Mexas-icans who decided they needed medical treatment or education would have to return to their new home state to get it. Taxes from the rest of America would be restricted to paying for upkeep of the barbed wire around Mexas and bus transportation for the Mexas residents to get to and from their jobs in Red and Blue America. And what of the children born of illegals , who up to now have been granted automatic citizenship? Naturally, for the new laws to work, the 14th Amendment would have to be repealed and US citizenship revoked from these folks. Sorry kids, but some minor inconveniences will have to be put up with by those who chose the wrong time and place to be born. Now, admittedly, there may be some initial confusion in sorting out the legal Brown Skins from the illegal all over America, but at this very moment Congress is working on legislation to develop a biometric identification card for all Hispanic looking citizens. Until then, the Arizona Highway Patrol has volunteered to handle the stop and question duties in determining who’s who in the zoo, based on reasonable suspicion.