Lion King-BW

  Coming on the heels of its success with a re-release of Lion King in 3D, Disney announced today another re-release of its iconic money maker: Lion King: Black and White. “We’ve discovered a new way to separate movie goers from their money”, said Franklin Jessup, Disney Vice President in charge of separating movie goers from their money. “The response to our release of LK (Lion King) in 3D with absolutely nothing else added to the film, really opened our eyes. People were lined up around the block all over the country eager to pony up $50 per family to see the same movie they’d been watching on TV for years. We figured, what the hell, and programmed our digital video computers to take all the color out of the frames. Result: a Disney movie like you haven’t seen since  “Steam Boat Willy” in 1928. Just the opposite of what that shyster Ted Turner has been doing by putting color into old movies. Next we’re gonna re-release Lion King: Reversal, where we run the original film backwards. They’ll eat it up.”

Family Reunion with Dead Gramps this Thanksgiving

Death need not be a somber occasion these days. Funerals don’t have to be filled with sobbing and rubbing elbows with relatives you never knew you had. With today’s microcircuits, Wi-Fi and animatronics, dead grandpa can now be as close as your big screen TV any time you want him to visit!

Welcome to the world of Hitachi’s Dead-no-More where those who have passed over can still be a part of the family. One call to DNM after “Pop-pop” has quit breathing and our trained staff responds to your home or the mortuary of your choice to put the life back where it belongs.

 With DNM’s active circuitry and plasticized makeover, granddad will still enjoy eternal rest in a beautiful silk lined casket six feet under ground, but with features unlike anything seen in the past.

Imagine the magical reunion that first Thanksgiving after the passing of the old duffer, when you switch on the 50 inch flat screen and there’s grandpa’s face brought to you through state of the art two way video transfer from the interior of the coffin,  right to your living room (up to 100 miles depending on terrain). What’s so magical about that, you ask? Why should a video feed of a dead man be of any interest? Because thanks to DNM’s proprietary engineering, what happens next is simply amazing. Imagine stunned grandma seeing her dead husband on the screen and clutching her chest as she gasps, “Herbert, is that you?”.  And at the sound of her voice, the corpse’s eyes fly open its mouth begins twitching and a moment later grandma’s dead spouse speaks to her in his own voice!

Yes, thanks to a cleverly hidden air tank, oxygen is forced through the dead man’s own larynx and lips meaning that he speaks as convincingly as if that final jolt from the paramedics’ defibrillator had worked after all . Using the remote keypad supplied with the deluxe DNM package, gramps can be programmed to say anything you like. He can wish you a Merry Christmas, offer birthday greetings or, in auto-clock mode, even provide the time of day on demand. His sayings are limited only by your imagination.

And if you choose the optional Hallowe’en package the grandkids can watch Pop’s animatronic fingers clawing at the coffin lid as he moans, “I’m coming to get you”,  just before the little ones are tucked in for the night.

For the budget minded family, DNM is proud to offer the popular “ Magic 8 Ball” combination. Although no keypad is included for individualized programming, your purchase allows any family member to ask grandpa questions which will be randomly answered with such statements as “without a doubt”, “signs point to yes” and “what are you asking me for? I’m dead”.

Keep watching this site as improvements are being made all the time. For instance, our much anticipated Christmas release in 2012 will allow gramps to play charades, floss his teeth and speak in sign language for the hearing impaired.

Wake Up When YOU Are Ready!

Who among us hasn’t been jarred awake by that irritating buzz or jangle of the bedside alarm clock? What an annoying way to begin another soul dampening week at that boring deadend job. Now you can rest easy with Revco’s Day/Night Earmuffs. No need to hit the snooze button because you won’t hear the alarm in the first place! Let that clock radio blast away…. ignore that bell clanging clamor… with Day/Night Earmuffs you can keep right on dreaming. What better way to tell your boss that you have declared indendence than to show up for work when YOU feel like it, and if he gets snippy just remind him that you were looking for a job when you found this one, and if he doesn’t like your attitude there are plenty of clock punching applicants out there just waiting to kiss his ass. Let some other wage slave take over your desk, you rebel! Time to crawl back under those sheets and live life to the fullest.

FlatPak: Innovation for the 21st Century

We’ve all experienced the dilemma. You want to hit the street for that five mile run but there just isn’t any place in your skin tight shorts to carry all those batteries. You certainly don’t want to leave them at home in the kitchen junk drawer while you’re out eating the pavement but you don’t want to bother with a tote bag either. FlatPak is the answer! This attractive designer arm band has pockets for all the popular battery sizes. You can carry four D cells, six C’s or even more AA’s and AAA’s. You can mix and match, pairing up two C’s with two D’s or get really innovative mashing in some of those hearing aid button batteries along with the standard sizes. What about brands? No problem! Your FlatPak will handle Duracell, Eveready and even those crappy Chinese copies whose names no one can pronounce. FlatPak can even handle expired or dead batteries, but let’s face it. Only a moron would waste energy toting a bunch of dead batteries around the neighborhood in an iridescent arm band! Some of our customers have written us saying that with two Flatpaks they can carry twice as many batteries by wearing one on each bicep. While we applaud the audacity, we at FlatPak advise runners to check with their physicians before taking on a double load like this.

News Flash: our engineers are nearly finished designing FlatPak II which will enable dedicated runners to carry a 6 volt lantern battery held snugly against the small of the back. We’ll keep you updated.

Family Urine Storage Bottles Back in Stock!

We at Yellosno Inc. are pleased to announce that after a six month wait and a backlog of orders our distributor has come through. We can once again offer our popular clear glass Family Urine Storage Containers at competitive prices. Each six pack of our Made in America quart sized bottles comes with the patented  lick em n stick  em waterproof  labels, which are guaranteed to never ever smear or fade, so when you go to the Urine Storage Cabinet you can be assured of knowing immediately whether a bottle was whizzed by Gramps, mom or even a visiting relative.  And in response to requests by customers just like you, there’s no more fumbling in the middle of the night because  now our labels glow in the dark as well. Thanks to Yellosno Inc, Family Urine Storage has never been easier or more affordable. If you act within the next ten days, shipping is free and a urine alert buzzer will be included at no additional charge. If for any reason you are dissatisfied with your Urine Storage Bottles, just return the unused containers and keep the urine alert buzzer as our gift to you. Distributorships are now being accepted but act fast or risk missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

Iphone App For Airliner Disasters

Mobile phone apps are currently available to get you to the airport, whisk you through security, locate you luggage and snag a rental car before you reach your destination. Gemco Intel Apps of San Francisco has just announced the release of its latest app, which gives every indication of being a runaway best seller on Itunes. Jeremy Roscoe, founder and CEO of Gemco showed off the firm’s highly technical marvel, known as Tailspin, at this week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Roscoe explained that with proprietory software, the iphone’s built in microphone constantly monitors the auditory pulses produced in every functioning commercial airliner flying today. The sounds picked up are compared to those stored in a gigantic database on a cloud server, and anomalies are instantly evaluated. What this means for you,  the iphone equipped airline passenger, is that the moment a catastrophic systems failure occurs onboard your flight, 100 million possible recovery scenarios are examined by the software and within two seconds, if disaster is inevitable, you become the first individual on board to know that the airplane is going to crash. One tap on the iphone screen and your loved ones are instantly alerted so that they can plan ahead: for instance they’ll be able to have  someone else  take  out the trash tomorrow. For iphones equipped with GPS, the trajectory of the doomed airliner is calculated, so that funeral arrangements can be configured as to whether to include pieces of your remains or, in the case of over-the-ocean scenarios, the exact coordinates of the flaming wreckage can be offered up for inclusion in your memorial service. Beyond giving your family a heads up of your abrupt expiration, there is the added satisfaction of being in charge. Knowledge is power, after all, and even before your 747 begins its gut wrenching spiral, plummeting earthward a Mach 2, its your call: let the other passengers know of their impending doom or smugly keep it to yourself as you watch the dawning comprehension on their fear distorted faces. Tailspin is available on Itunes for $3.99.

Paris Hilton: That’s Not My Cocaine

Paris Hilton being busted by the cops? Not news. Found in possession of cocaine? That’s not news either. What makes her latest go around with the law interesting is Ms Hilton’s novel defense. “That’s not my coke,” she was heard to say when she opened her purse and a bindle filled with white powder fluttered to the ground along with the contents of her purse. She had been one of several people involved what is called a roadside “clambake”. Las Vegas Police Sergeant Ned Selfs explained that a clambake is where marijuana is smoked furiously to the point where the interior of a vehicle comes to resemble a Native American sweat lodge, with each of the vehicle occupants attempting to inhale all the available smoke. It was the smoke billowing from the Cadillac Escalade parked on Las Vegas Blvd that initially drew the attention of the local police. Sergeant Selfs said that the first officer on the scene thought Cheech and Chong might be inside reenacting a role from one of their pot inspired movies. Instead what he found was a “carload of bored rich people”. Once asked to exit the vehicle, Ms Hilton had first opened her bag and extracted a battery powered fan in an apparent attempt to dispel the gathered fog of pot. “That’s not my smoke,” she told the officer, as she slid across the seat of the Cadillac, riding her skirt up to her belly button. Aware that she had exposed more of her exquisite body than a common policeman had any right to see, she next disowned her private parts. “That’s not my cooter,” she said, apparently remembering that her panties were at home in her underwear drawer. When asked to provide identification, Ms Hilton opened her purse while it was upside down and the contents dumped onto the sidewalk. “This isn’t my purse, she said, “mine opens from the top.” It was at this moment that she noticed the bindle among the fallen objects and stated that the cocaine wasn’t hers. “I borrowed this purse and I thought that bindle thingy was a stick of gum, and anyway it was probably planted there by someone who uses cocaine.” She went on to say that “everyone knows I don’t use cocaine. Just ask Lindsay Lohan when she gets out of rehab.”

Do You Speak Time/Warner?

Do you have Time Warner Cable? I do. I used to have Adelphia but the family that owned the system got sent to prison a while back for misappropriating funds and Time Warner realized that their AOL disaster could be eclipsed by an even bigger blunder if they bought a cable company. I have this thing with my cable service where certain channels present on the TV screen as if the signals have been scrambled by the NSA; tantalizing glimpses of programming interspersed with blasts of noise, black screen and pixels; sort of like listening to your FM station in the car when you’re
j-u-s-t out of range of their transmitter. “Earthquake….. tune to….. do not under any circumstances….. take these items…..National Guard……. shoot to kill……” 
I didn’t address the problem for several months because I dreaded being linked to a technician in India. Been there, done that. I got by for the longest time by triple recording programs I wanted to see on my Tivo, trusting that at least one of them would slip through the NSA scramblers.  When my triple recording method got to the triple failure range I bit the bullet and sat down at the computer. (My internet service through Time Warner is surprisingly good; I’m sure they’re working overtime to solve that probem) Anyway, on the TW website I was invited to jump into one of their technical support chat rooms, and this I did. The transcript of the conversation went something like this:

(Analyst has entered the chatroom)
Oaktree: Hello, I am Oaktree and I will be assisting you. I appologize for any inconvenience that has been caused to you since the time of the dinosaurs.
Me: I accept your appology. Can you help me?
Oaktree:  I am not aware of your problem that hasn’t been revealed in this time zone. And I notice that I am in control of the area of the Carolinas while you are in California.
Me: The premium channels I’m paying for are impossible to see.
Oaktree: It is suggested that electricity can be used when turning on the appropriate equipment.
Me: Is there another way to turn on the appropriate equipment?
Oaktree: Electricity is not the problem I am authorized to deal for you with. You are invited to call a phone number that will bring a solution to your current circumstances.
Me: So you can’t help me.
Oaktree: Yes. Is there anything else I can be of assistance for?
Me: Can you give me the phone number?
Oaktree: I have been happy to serve you in this manner.
(Analyst has left the chatroom)

Next I called the Time Warner problem solver line at 888-we-can’t-help-u-either. They gave me an appointment for an actual repair dude who actually showed up at my house with actual tools. He smiled indulgently and wagged his head when I told him of my experience with the TW chatline. “The chatline isn’t designed to fix your problem, he said, it’s designed to let you vent about the crappy reception you’re getting….. kinda like when you tell your kid there’s no monster under the bed; when you turn out the light the monster is still there, but the kid has learned that telling you about it won’t do any good.”

The repair dude got out his Ghostbusters gauges and hooked them up to my cable outlet and shortly lapsed into technical jargon. “Hmmmm… weak signal. Me fixum pronto.” I stood back to give him space while he clipped wires and muttered incantations. Within 30 minutes he was putting away his gizmos and the reception on the offending channels was superb. Until the following evening, that is, when I began getting a black screen with a TW message at the bottom: “searching for Basic cable signal and loving it”. I called the TW tech support line. “That means that something is disconnected,” came the perky reply to my query. I was persuaded to assume the position (kneeling) before my entertainment center and  pull the cable box and Tivo out . (I was apprehensive because Mumbai computer support generally has me disassemble my computer and then drops the call). I pulled and pushed until I got the two units semi removed, amid a billowing  cloud of ancient dust that summoned the image of the intrepid archaeologists who unearthed  King Tut’s tomb thereby bringing the curse down on their heads.  I noted the presence of two unattached black cables bobbing around like the feelers on an electronic sci fi grasshopper. “There you go, said Perky, you’ve found the problem.” Really?  I realized in short order that there were a half dozen or so empty  inputs and outputs on the back of the boxes. Which cable goes where? (Question: why are the back panels on stereos, TV’s, DVD players and every other electronic device always black with black raised lettering sort of like the Braille you find on ATM machines? )
I doggedly spent the next 20 minutes plugging  the unattached cables into the various orifices with no obvious effect, except that my knees began complaining bitterly.  By this time Perky had lost interest in my quest and suggested that I make an appointment to have an actual technician actually respond to my actual location at a time to be announced later. I actually don’t have a choice do I?

 

 

Read more

Harry MF*** Potter and the Half Baked Prince

In a movie project conceived by Spike Lee and Al Sharpton, Harry Potter isn’t some faggot cracker waving a stick around, he’s a happening brother with a mission: bring whitey to his knees using black magic and high end ass kicking. Step one, grab that sweet piece Hermione, stash her in the dungeon at Dawgfartz and bring her around to the dark side. “I see Harry as a sexual dynamo, said Spike Lee,  on the set of MF*** Potter. That wand he’s using gots eleven inches of black magic that those Wal-Mart twins Fred and George Weasly can only wish they had.” Although many of the plot points remain under wraps, Lee was quick to reject criticism that his project was an attempt to recapture the potent imagery of such early black  exploitation films as “Shaft” and “Superfly”. Kickin’  it in his on set trailer crib, Lee heaped scorn on his detractors. “Me and the Reverend Sharpton are light years ahead of what was doin’ back then. This joint (translation: film) takes a contemporary dawg of the hood and sets him square in the face of what Hollywood thinks is the juxtaposition of black art and the happening of cool.”  This description makes perfect sense to black film critic Jumal Wyatt. “What you have to understand is the negro-fication of this new century in terms of film and theater. You won’t be seeing black film makers wasting time on science fiction about extracurriculars coming to shake things up. The black man gonna shake things up and he’s already here. That’s why MF*** Potter takes Hermione into his embrace. In essence he’s saying, ‘we come for your women whitey…. and we come over and over and over again’, so get used to it’. I trust I’m not giving too much away when I say that the transformation of  Hermione from tight ass British prude to big booty Ghetto Queen is going to rankle some in the white community, but Spike Lee is all about raising hackles. They better brace themselves for the next installment, ‘Spawn of Harry MF*** Potter: Hermione Burps One Out’. I believe that one will be in 3D’

Letterman Appologizes to Palin Family

In what may be a first for a late night comedian, David Letterman paused during his monologue last night to issue an apology to Sarah Palin and her family following a storm of controversy over a joke he told last week. In that joke, which addressed an appearance by Sarah Palin and her daughter at a Yankees baseball game, Letterman had suggested that Yankees team member Alex Rodriguez had a bigger penis than Todd Palin, and had compared a peanut to a cucumber in the telling of the joke. The following morning Sarah Palin had appeared on several television talk shows to decry Letterman’s poor taste. “My daughter, Nerf Ball, was sittin’ right there, you know, when the joke was told on the TV and she hollered out to her big sister Sprockett to come and see. Also too, of course, out came Todd with our daughter Areola and  holding baby Bilge Pump in his arms”. On The View, Mrs. Palin displayed a photo of a peanut lying next to a cucumber and described what happened next. “Golly, it was embarrassing you know, because right there in front of the whole family I had to go and explain the joke to Todd over and over again. See, he’s from Alaska as am I, too, and therefore not the sharpest hammer in the tool bag. And as well, Sprockett kept asking how come David Letterman knew about her dad’s penis which she said in her opinion was  ‘nothing to sneeze at’, and Todd, ya know, he kept shushing her and talking in some foreign language saying, ‘Ix-nay on the E-nis-pay’, so I’m right away thinking he’s speaking in tongues ya see, like as if in possession by Satan and such not. And now this comedian feller Letterman says he’s sorry for having said what he was saying, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘hey, so what, I get to be on the TV again and I don’t have to embarrass myself like that tarty little trollop such as that Miss California, and isn’t that better than a fart in the bunkhouse?”

Next Page »