Debt Ceiling? Obama Makes Stunning Proposal

Seeking a solution to the default crisis looming on the horizon, President Obama offered a striking proposal during another debt negotiation at the White House on Thursday. “We can’t seem to agree on a deal to raise the debt ceiling, said Obama, so I propose we simply expand on a program that’s been going on for years.” All eyes were on the president as he pulled a remote control out of his shirt pocket and began a Power Point presentation. Images were rapidly flashed on the drop down screen in the Roosevelt Room as the lights were dimmed. Minority leader Nancy Pelosi stopped fiddling with her pearls and Speaker John Boehner capped his tube of bronzer as the attendees watched pictures of roads, buildings, dams, forests, factories and power plants flash by. “We’ve already sold off a great deal of our infrastructure to foreign investors, said the president, and this has been done piecemeal….that means one piece at a time,” he explained to Boehner who had raised his hand. “My solution is simple, the president went on, “the Chinese are reluctant to buy any more of our IOU’s because we’re already so deep in debt, so instead let’s give them something substantial in return for a big pot of cash. Let’s sell them the moon.”

At competing news conferences later in the day, the Democrats and Republicans voiced their views and concerns about the president’s idea.

 “It’s an interesting idea and would certainly eliminate the crisis, said Majority Leader Eric Cantor, addressing a team of reporters, “but naturally since the plan came from the mouth of President Obama, my first reaction is to oppose it right out of the gate.”

 Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader was careful to parse his comments, so as to not annoy anyone in either party. “I think the idea may have merit, he said, “but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my home state of Nevada it’s that if you bring something home from the Mustang Ranch, it’s likely nothing you want to display on your mantle or introduce to your parents.”

 Michele Bachmann, who represents the Tea Bagger faction in the House of Representatives was more circumspect. “I’m intrigued with the prospect, but we’d have to first get assurances from the Chinese that no homosexuals would ever be allowed on the moon. Obviously we can’t have Neil Armstrong’s rugged footprints disturbed by a bunch of Asian pansies wearing hush puppies.” She ignored a reporter’s question about whether this would include her husband, Marcus, an acknowledged fan of show tunes.

 Republican Peter King agreed with his colleague and added that there would also have to be a ban on any mosques being built on a piece of real estate so close to Manhattan. “250,000 miles is practically next door to Ground Zero, he said, “and besides which any Muslims on the moon would never know for sure which direction was east, making them more radical than ever.”

Potential presidential candidate Rudy Guliani asked to comment on President Obama’s plan at a fund raiser was predictably succinct: “9/11, 9/11, 9/11.”

TSA Defends Security Procedures

When passengers aboard Virgin America Flight 415 began complaining about the noxious body odor of a sleeping passenger, flight attendants took a break from counting food/pillow/drink profits made on the flight thus far and went to investigate. Upon waking passenger Olajide Oluwaseun Noibi in seat 3E they determined that not only did he indeed smell like maiden Aunt Tilley’s left armpit, but that he had also not made a single purchase while aboard the plane. Several flight attendants were in the midst of making sales pitches to the man for deodorant, magazine subscriptions and Dogs Playing Poker paintings when it was accidentally discovered that he had used an expired Disneyland All Day Pass to board the aircraft rather than purchasing a ticket. The crew were stunned, having never encountered a passenger this miserly before. An impromptu investigation among the flight attendants determined that one of the cabin stewards had failed to properly scrutinize Noibi’s boarding pass because he was busy making out a deposit slip for the previous flight’s profits, a task ordinarily delegated to the flight cashier, who in this instance had been clearing a jam in the plane’s automatic dollar bill counter.

The Virgin America aircraft was immediately diverted to Dulles Airport where Noibi was hustled off the plane by security personnel and searched for cash and credit cards. TSA officials said that Noibi was not arrested and that he had agreed to confine his travels to Greyhound in the future. An hour later Noibi turned up again, this time on a Delta Airlines flight bound for Atlanta, where his signature body fragrance alerted a completely different crew to his presence. This time it was learned that Noibi had boarded the flight using a ten day old receipt from Carl’s Jr. Embarrassed TSA officials insisted that although Noibi had slipped through their airtight security “like shit through a goose”, the fast food receipt had indeed been genuine. “It could have fooled anyone, said TSA chief John Pistole, who insisted that if Noibi had attempted to conceal a bananna in his rectum to avoid buying one aboard the plane, “we would have picked him up on the scanners in an instant.”

Bin Laden Location Old News, says Former President

Following President Obama’s announcement last night that Osama bin Laden had been killed by special forces in Pakistan, a clearly annoyed George W. Bush was mobbed by dozens of reporters at his home in Dallas, where he was clearing brush in his backyard.

“Don’t have to go all nukular on me ….course I knew where bin Laden was, said the testy former president, “member how I told you people he was wanted dead or alive? And then (V.P.) Cheney came right out and pinpointed his location for y’all when he said the boy was somewhere north, south, east or west of Baghdad, member that? I was just saving him up for a special occasion until I got done handing off the Social Security trust fund to Wall Street. But then while I was getting ready to spring my bin Laden trap, Barrack Hussein Obama got us into two wars, got caught torturing prisoners and crashed the US economy just before the presidential election of 2008, so I put bin Laden on the back burner and forgot all about him. By the way, did y’all know that Obama was actually born in Kenya? Don’t believe me? Just ask to see his birth certificate, see what happens then.”

House Republicans Declare Independent “No Flies Zone”

 Marching in lockstep in opposition to President Obama’s bombing decision in Libya, the Republicans in the House have proposed a resolution condemning the   president’s acting without consulting congress, before joining NATO in the explosive exercise. “We are in favor of the bombing as part of the No Fly Zone to protect civilians, said an emotional John Boehner, we’re just opposed to Obama doing it. Not only did he not get our permission, he didn’t even have the decency to make up some BS about weapons of mass destruction as a cover story.” The GOP considered putting up a webpage clarifying their position, but discovered that they couldn’t decide whether to commend the bombing or oppose the president for doing it. “It would make us look pretty foolish if we came out against the action that we ourselves were calling for just because the president went ahead and did it.”

 Eventually a consensus was reached within the GOP with only Ron Paul dissenting. Speaker Boehner tearfully announced on Friday that Congress would act independently of the Oval Office by enforcing a “No Flies Zone” in the congressional cafeteria. “We feel it’s important to defend the health and safety not only of of the country’s elected officials but their staffers as well.  We therefore  resolve that everything west of the salad bar in the cafeteria will be aggressively defended against the flies that always seem to crop up this time of year. We’re not bothering with a defense of the salad bar because only the Democrat Party hangs out there at lunchtime and they’d probably object to the use of peticides on environmental grounds anyway, so what would be the point?”

Super Bowl XLV Ends in Victory

In the midst of the worst weather in recent memory, Super Bowl XLV went forward unimpeded as it was played at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas, an indoor venue and home to the Texas Cowboys, who as it turned out, weren’t using it this weekend. The Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers squared off a few minutes early on Sunday, hoping to distract viewers from the mangling of the Star Spangled Banner by pop star Christina Aguilera, who sang something about “the glare of red sockets” before being hustled off the field by security agents.

From the moment of the initial kick off it was apparent that one of these closely matched teams was going to win. Ted Stereford, a fan who had waited overnight outside the stadium, hoping to snag a ticket from a scalper agreed. “One of these teams is sure to win,” he said, during a pregame interview of fans who were evenly divided as to which side would emerge the victor. There were a few lively brawls between opposing fans before the game, but only two fatalities were reported.

With one of the teams pulling ahead at half time, there was a welcome pause in the tension as the Black Eyed Peas took the stage to perform musical numbers purposely neutral to both Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, to avoid turning the event into a good natured celebration of Second Amendment rights, as happened in Tucson last month. Texas Governor Rick Perry, speaking from his second tier box seat, noted that the Super Bowl was a welcome distraction from the state’s recently revealed $25 billion deficit that had been kept under wraps by deft accounting manuevers and an influx of federal stimulus funds. “Turns out we needed those devil dollars from the Feds after all,” said Perry, “I guess seceding from the Union will have to wait until next year.”

Perhaps the most unsettling occurrence of this Sunday’s game was the unseating of over 400 ticket holders at Cowboy Stadium through a mixup with one of the Super Bowl vendors. A seemingly minor misspelling on a fax sent to a sanitation firm had workmen scrambling just before the game to install over a thousand toilets on one side of the stadium. Organizers had taken the spelling of “Super Bowel Sunday” literally, and had removed fans’ seats and replaced them with toilets, which met with howls of protest as ticket holders, who had spent thousands of dollars to see the game were told they’d have to move to a hastily contrived theater to watch their teams on a big screen TV, since the toilets were not properly bolted down and therefore unsafe.

Once the game resumed the team that had fallen behind swiftly made some gains owing to superior passing and receiving in the final two minutes of play. But on the fourth down one of the quarterbacks threw a long pass to his standout receiver, who promptly dropped the ball, thereby losing any chance at being signed to a multi-million dollar product endorsement contract. With only seconds to go, a final touchdown was achieved giving the winning team a perfectly good reason to celebrate, and Super Bowl XLV was brought to a close.

Mideast Unrest Calls for U.S. Bombing

There has been much head scratching in Washington over the last couple of weeks about how to respond to the turmoil in the Middle East. The Obama administration is currently straddling that “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” diplomatic fence in offering lukewarm support for our old dictator pal, Hosni Mubarak in Egypt, while at the same time hinting that he might want to thumb a ride out of the country before someone sets his hair on fire.

“Dorothy missed her chance to leave Oz in the Wizard’s balloon, said President Obama, “but she had her ruby slippers to fall back on. As far as I know, Mr. Mubarak has no diplomatic back channel with any witches, good or bad.”

Right wing pundits have been unequivocal in their calls for the U.S to fire up the B-2 fleet and go bomb somebody…anybody. Glenn Beck summed up the conservative consensus on his TV show. “Look what happened on 9/11: we were attacked by Saudi Arabia and immediately invaded Iraq, allowing us to not only get rid of surplus bombs but eliminate stability and peace in the region.” He went on to point out that bombing Afghanistan had failed to accomplish “the mission” back in 2001 because there wasn’t anything left to blow up once the Soviets pulled out. “But Egypt is different because it has all those giant pyramids built by the mummies.”

Predictably, most historians polled on the unrest in Egypt and surrounding countries have urged caution. Professor Sanskrit Demarcus of Sanderson University pointed out that sometimes it’s better to let soverign nations solve their own problems before stepping in to seize their natural resources. “It might be better, he said, to just wait for the dust to settle and then make a deal with whoever ends up owning the store.” He admitted later that this kind of response would severely impact the profits of companies making artificial limbs for U.S military personnel.

Representative Bachman Offers Stinging Rebuke or Something

Carried live on CNN last night, Representative Michele Bachman offered up a stinging rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. Refusing to look into the lens of the camera (“because that’s just what ‘they’ would expect me to do”) Rep Bachman challenged historians to rethink their version of American history.

“When all four of our fathers found this great nation it was in deplorable condition. The Indians controlled everything even though there wern’t any 7-11′s or dry cleaners. They were embarrassed by the color of their skin and when white people showed up they started committing suicide by the thousands, first with smallpox and then going all ‘suicide by soldier’ where they would pull bows and arrows out of their loincloths begging to be shot. And they were. Even Sitting Bull was shot, although he was standing at the time. So our four fathers got together in Philadelphia one summer and proposed a Constitutional Amendment saying that everybody had skin and some of those skins were of different colors and they should all be treated the same and have rights. Except for black people, of course, because three fifths of them were negros, and all of them were slaves who picked cotton for some reason. There weren’t any Q-tips back then, so why did we need all that cotton anyway? That’s why we had the Civil War against the British, and as you probably noticed, you don’t see negros of any color picking cotton any more. That’s because we won. There wasn’t another British invasion until 1964 and the jury is still out on that one, except that Paul was my favorite and definitely was NOT the walrus. In any case we now face our biggest challenge: a man in the White House who has never picked cotton. Is it because they don’t grow cotton in Kenya? That’s one question you will never hear answered by the liberal media. So what has any of this to do with the Tea Party, you ask? That is my question. And that’s why I’m here tonight on television offering my vision and my leadership on the issue of who will run for president in 2012. I am a registered Republican but also the head Teabagger. I began Teabagging back in 2009 and stood shoulder to shoulder with thousands of others who put forward the most important question of the new century: will there be a Teabagger in the White House in 2012? And will her name be Lewinsky or Bachman? Only you can make that choice, so get on with it.

Arizona Becomes Example for Afghanistan

With the upsurge of suicide bombings in Afghanistan, that nation’s leaders have been looking all over the world for inspiration; how to cut down on the number of innocent victims in these devastating assaults. Not surprisingly, in looking for answers they latched onto the ideas of one of the most violent nations on earth: America. President Hamid Karzai put forward the current thinking in his administration:

“If Arizona taught us one thing it’s that the more guns you have in the hands of lunatics, the more guns you need in the hands of  the not so crazy citizens. Therefore, the most obvious solution for Afghanistan is not to fear suicide bombers, but to become suicide bombers. It’s as plain as the egg on my face. From now on, every man, woman and child in Afghanistan will be required to wear a suicide bomber’s vest at all times. This way, any time someone wishes to express displeasure about anything at all, they simply detonate themselves on the spot. And the best part? No victims! Zero! Everyone who dies in any blast was a potential suicide bomber anyway. Not only does this rob the insurgents of their ability to use terror as a tool, but it also promotes job growth. Someone has to manufacture all those additional suicide vests, right?  Somebody has to man the shovels to scoop up the extra body parts. And even those not directly involved in the suicide industry will benefit. How? Simple. Everytime a blast goes off making 30 or 40 new martyrs, someone has to be hired to take over the jobs those people did before they died! Once again American democracy has showed us the way!”

112th Congress Shows Off Its Weeping Orange Boner

At noon this past Wednesday, the 112^th Congress began with audible weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not from the Democrats, who were circumspect about their midterm losses in the 2010 election, but from the new Speaker, John Boehner (pronounced Boner) who accepted the ceremonial clown gavel from outgoing Speaker, Nancy Pelosi.

“I’m proud to accept this award, said Boehner, choking up as he gripped the iconic mallet, and I want to thank all those who made it possible for me to stand here today.” At this point Boehner broke down completely, tears streaming down his orange tinted cheeks. Most of the House members took the spectacle in stride, having been a captive audience to Mr. Boehner’s emotional outbursts for years, but the incoming freshmen, appeared stunned. “I haven’t seen blubbering like that since the Wizard of Oz”, said Republican Daniel Webster of Florida, recalling the emotional outpouring of the Cowardly Lion in the 1939 movie classic. “Remember when Dorothy got all up in his grille?”.   Rick Berg, newly elected representative from North Dakota chimed in. “If that guy was the Tin Man we’d have to spend our first day in Congress spritzing him with an oil can.”

Briefly regaining control of his emotions, the new Speaker began laying out the agenda for Republican controlled House of Representatives in 2011. “First thing we’re gonna do is read the Constitution out loud, something I haven’t heard since my 9th grade civics class when Mrs Woescher made us get up in front of the room and take turns.  I remember how nervous I was and that lady….. that wonderful….. lady, held me to her bosom…. and …. and….”

“Again with the waterworks?”  Jeff Duncan of South Carolina disgustedly loosened his tie. “If we don’t get some intervention from the Wizard we’ll never get around to impeaching that darky in the white house.”

Tea Party Candidate Rewrites American History

Delaware Senate Candidate Christine O’Donnell raised the stakes yesterday at a debate with her Democratic opponent, Chris Coons, when she put forward the idea that religion should be taught in public school. “How can we show Muslims that Muslim-ism is wrong headed if we don’t demonstrate the superiority of Christianity in our schools?” Told by her opponent that religion can’t be taught in public schools because of the separation of church and state she became visibly agitated. “Where on earth do you get your information, Chris, from the Kornan…. that Muslimistic book that doesn’t even have pictures of their McProphet?” Laughter from the audience at the Tea Partier’s astonishing ignorance was met by an uncomprehending O’Donnel who jerked her thumb at her opponent. “I know, right? What a moron!”

When the Democratic candidate sought to enlighten Ms O’Donnell regarding the Establishment Clause enshrined in the First Amendment, she stopped him in mid sentence. “Whoa, are you trying to tell me that the separation of church and state is like in the Constitution, Chris, is that what you’re saying?” O’Donnell then launched into a diatribe about American history that stunned the audience into silence.

“You can’t go making stuff up that isn’t there, she said, ya gotta go with the words on the page. Like for instance in the Exclamation of Independence….. it says right there that ‘men are endowed by their Creator’. Now we all know that some men are more endowed than others, right girls? (winking at the audience) But the point is that the Flounders and the other guys in America who wore wigs in the 1700′s all believed in the baby Jesus. That’s why they came to this great land in 1776 from England which is an island off the coast of Britain. King George told the Flounders to go worship among the Indians and to take the Bible with them because the Church of England had no use for it. So George Washington sailed across the Delaware to America, and stood in the front of the boat for the whole trip, (I’ve seen the pictures), and they landed between a Rock and a Hard Place. The Rock was called Plymouth and I forget what the Hard Place was….. maybe Ford or Lincoln. Anyway, they dressed up as Pilgrims and had the first Thanksgiving with the Indians who, to this day, still celebrate the holiday because it marks the first time white people ever paid any attention to them. The Flounders gave the Indians smallpox and the Indians gave the Flounders syphillis. Since then, as you know, we’ve exterminated smallpox, but we’re still stuck with the Indians who, through outsourcing, keep taking American jobs. Syphillis is still around as well, thanks to Obamacare, which is why I have campaigned so hard to eradicate masturbation and witchcraft. You all know I’m not a witch. I’ve said so in ads on television and on Fox News, so there’s the proof that it’s true. Anyway, my point is that if the notion of church and state separation is in the Constitution, then how come Sean Hannity doesn’t know about it. Or Glenn Beck. So in closing, let’s just remember that God created the dinosaurs and as far as anyone knows, none of them ever masturbated. And that’s good enough for me. So vote for me and stop spreading syphillis through masturbation.

I won’t be taking any questions from you Lamestream Media reporters here tonight, cause you’ll just try to trip me up asking me stuff about my politics, and as Mama Grizzly says, ‘you can put lipstick on a pig but it still won’t be a pitbull’ “.

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