Dear Leader Died During Trombone Symphony, Says North Korea

Listening sites around the world have been monitoring radio traffic inside the borders of secretive North Korea since the announcement on Monday that Kim Jung il, that country’s most beloved despot had died on Saturday. At first there was little additional information, not even an official statement as to Kim’s actual age, estimated in the west to be between 65 and 70. All that changed today when the state’s Central News Agency divulged that the diminutive dictator had been aboard a train headed for a farm collective in the eastern part of the country when his overly generous heart gave out.

“Our Dear Leader died from overwork,” sobbed a news reader on North Korean Television, as a bright red laser dot from an offstage censor’s rifle danced on her forehead. “He was participating in a musical exercise which we believe is known in the west as the ‘Rusty Trombone’, something usually left to much younger men. But Dear Leader had always been keen to provide the zen-like duality of a hand job while at the same time delivering an enthusiastic rim job upon the nether regions of a lucky young soldier plucked at random from the barracks car of the train. The young guardsman said that just as life left the divine naked body of our earth bound god, Kim was heard to utter, ‘the throbbing, oh my… the throbbing.’ The Most Select Council of Military Endeavors is at this moment attempting to unravel the deeper mystic meaning of Dear Leader’s final pronouncement.”

Frankly, Only the Executive Branch Needed, says Gingrich

Pulling ahead of the pack in the Right Wing race to be the most outrageous GOP candidate in history, Newt Gingrich distinguished himself at Thursday’s debate when he told moderator Howard Stern that as president he would simply ignore the other two branches of government.

“There’s no point in having federal courts that disagree with the chief executive,” he said. “George W. Bush was kind of leaning that way but he lost his nerve in his second term, frankly. Once I’ve taken the oath of office I’ll simply abolish any court that is foolish enough to stand up to me. That includes the Supreme Court, so I hope the justices are paying attention. When they appointed Bush to be president by canceling the vote count in Florida, they were dangerously divided: five right votes and four wrong ones. That simply won’t happen under a Gingrich presidency, frankly, it’ll be either my way or the highway. I know what’s good for America and as president I’ll rule the right way.”

Asked whether being drummed out of the House of Representatives in disgrace in 1999 by a near unanimous vote had been good for America, Mr. Gingrich was ready with an answer.

“Members of the House are in a good position to make lots of money, frankly, and that’s what I was doing. What you saw in 1999 was the result of a personal vendetta against me by a few sore heads who were frankly jealous of my ability to sustain a patriotic erection no matter how many distractions I was dealing with. They convinced the rest of the members that the fact that I was getting more ass than a DC bus bench while my wife was hospitalized for some allegedly life threatening cancer was giving the House a bad name. That and my making money for personal gain hand over fist on the taxpayers’ dime. I haven’t forgotten that insult and once I’m president Congress might just as well vote themselves a permanent vacation, because as Chief Executive I’ll eliminate that branch of government with a stroke of my pen. And I can do that, frankly. As a former historian I know whereof I speak.”

He waved off any further questions and instead made a final statement. “Oh , and one more thing. These red, white and blue flags flapping around behind me? Take a good look, because come January 20, 2013 they’re gone. Wife #3, Callista says the stripes make me look fat. So no more stars and stripes. I’ll have a committee design a new flag. Just between you and me I think Callista’s hairpiece looks like it was cast in bronze, frankly, but at least it doesn’t make her look fat, just extraterrestrial.”

Penn State Forced to Change Name to Penn-a-trate U

In a move to head off further public outrage and ridicule, it was reported that Penn State has agreed as part of a settlement to change its name to Penn-a-Trate U before next year’s season begins. However, this move has done nothing so far to stem the loss of sponsors who have been pulling out in greater numbers as new revelations have come to light. For instance, Penn State’s trustees have reportedly sought help from Rome.

The Vatican dispatched its “Dream Team” of attorneys which has decades of experience in handling child sex abuse scandals. Bishop Guiseppe Cremora, Prelate in Charge of the Team, in trying to get ahead of the 24/7news cycle, held a brief news conference. He pointed out that while organized sports has its share of pedophiles, as do the Boy Scouts, elementary schools and swimming teams, most hardcore abusers opt for religious organizations where they are much less likely to be exposed.

“We inna the Mother Church were a-practicing boy-love for centuries before Satan came along anna pulled back the curtain. So what Im-a saying here is that May-December romance in the football locker room donna happen all that much. Parents donna have to a-worry themselves about every little grease stain inna their boys’ underwear. Iffa the boy says nothing happened, just accept it and keep out a sharp eye for those police types that wanna go anna make a big deal out of nothing.”

Bill Mahon, vice president for university relations stepped up next and made a statement for the gathered press and onlookers. “Honesty is the key. I know we’ve lost some credibility in these past weeks, but we at Penn-a-Trate U have embraced the ideas put forward by the representatives from the Vatican who have shown us how to circle the wagons in this, our moment of shame. I can say here and now that you will never again hear of a shower room scandal involving naked men and boys at our school. Not a word will reach the press. Our do-it-yourself, internal inquisition process will ensure that no more damage is done to our proud heritage. So in closing, there’s nothing to see here, move along.”

Bank of America Dreams Up New Fees

Bank of America has announced a host of new charges for debit and credit card customers that will go into effect November 1, 2011.

 Phone Activation Fee: when you get your new card in the mail, there is $5 phone fee for activation by calling the 800 number on the card, which can be avoided by using our website: www.BoAgotcha.com

 Online Activation Fee: if you go to our website rather than calling to activate your card, there is a $5 fee.

 Purchase Fee: Most merchants accept BoA credit and debit cards and every time they accept yours a modest 2% of purchase fee is added to the retail price you paid. No additional computation fees will be added at this time.

 GPS Proximity Fee: Now that all newly issued BoA credit and debit cards are electronically linked through GPS, card holders will be charged a proximity fee whenever the card is within 200 yards of a BoA bank or ATM machine. For customer convenience, this charge will be added on at the end of the billing period to eliminate the nuisance of customers trying to steer clear of BoA locations.

 Out of Network Fee: should you find it necessary to use a credit or debit card other than your BoA, you will be charged a 1% fee on every increment of $100 forwards or backwards, whichever occurs first.

 Customer Service Fee: Our operators are standing by 24/7 to bill your credit or debit card should you have the audacity to contact our call center. Please note that our menu options have changed and that by requesting any language other than Spanish, a language upgrade fee will be added to the cost of the call.

 Stand By Fee: Our time is valuable. Customers who remain on hold, waiting to speak to a representative will be billed at the “standard hold time rate” of 50 cents per minute and “premium hold time rate” on weekends and holidays. The amount billed for premium time is not available nor negotiable, so the hold option is always at your own risk.

 Online Banking Fee: We are proud of our online banking services and encourage customers to run up a tab by using them in order to avoid the current charges for banking by mail. Paying your bills online has never been easier, nor this expensive. For your convenience, the charges for each click of the mouse are automatically added to your total monthly bill. And we never charge you for fruit or cheese unless you opt out (“opt out” charge figured separately).

 Overcharge Fee: If at any time you find that you have been billed for a service you never would have paid for had you known in advance, BoA will conduct an investigation (at current investigative fee rates) and bill you for our error plus any charges or fees previously missed through no fault of our own.

 Cancellation Fee: Your BoA credit or debit card account may be canceled at any time either by you or by BoA, subject to the customary cancellation fee and approval of your pre-request arbitration agreement. All legal fees are the responsibility of the BoA customer, his representative or heirs in the case of unforeseen death by misadventure or otherwise as provided by law.

 Regulatory Advancement Fee: For your convenience costs of lobbyists working on behalf of BoA and its subsidiaries to discover fees and charges not yet applied or imagined will be imposed on customers in increments disguised as regulatory fees imposed as taxes both local and federal in amounts to be determined by the estimated size of bonuses awarded to BoA executives in any and all cases herewith and forthwith, in settlement of grievances perceived or anticipated. Welcome aboard!

Charlie Sheen Proposes “Winner” Middle East Solution

“It’s so simple, I don’t know why no one has thought of this before. Maybe because they don’t have my head for politics (see picture of my head). The Jews and the Arabs have been going at it for like months now, right? The Arabs… or the Palestinians… whatever… they want the same territory the Jews… or Israelis…. whatever…want, right? I keep hearing all the political BS about a two state solution, but the fact is that neither wants the other to have a state, am I right? So here’s the deal. Give Israel to the Palestinians. All of it. The Wailing Wall the olive groves, the Red Sea or whatever…. all of it. So there’s one state. And the Jews? Give them Idaho. Hear me out, okay? First… it’s a state. No one can say it’s not. Second, it’s much closer to America than the Middle East which is in Middle Earth or….. whatever.

So all the Jews move to Idaho…. all the Arabs move to Israel…. badda boom, badda bing….

These two “states” are so far apart that they can’t throw rocks or lob missiles or whatever at each other, right? Plus the Jews could learn to ski…. with the snow and what all in Idaho. Plus I hear the fishing is great, and you know the Jews love fishing, am I right?

Now I know what you’re thinking? What happens when Jesus comes back to Mount Temple or whatever in Jerusalem to throw a Rapture. He’s gonna look around and say, ‘WTF… where’s all my chosen people’, right? So we post a big sign in Hebrew or Jewish or whatever that says ‘We’ve moved to a new location’ with one of those finger pointy things on it. He’s Jesus, he’ll figure it out.

Okay, so that’s solved. Now I hear there’s some crap going on in Iranistan with Vamoose Ima-dinner-jacket. I got some ideas on that, too. Everyone comes up a winner.”

Tea Party Sees Reverse Immigration as Threat to Economy

With the US economy rapidly coming to resemble that of a third world country, Republicans in the House of Representatives took a moment from their current debt ceiling diatribe to propose new legislation on illegal immigration. Tea Party activist Michele Bachmann pointed out that such legislation was necessary to protect American corporations from potentially disastrous pay hikes, as low wage workers were rapidly becoming as hard to find as Borders book stores.

“We need to immediately hire 2,500 more Border Patrol agents to keep the illegals from fleeing the country, she said. She went on to cite statistics from ICE that show an alarming trend: undocumented workers attempting to cross the border into Mexico in search of work. “Just yesterday a van was stopped as the driver attempted to cross from Arizona into Sonora, Mexico. Agents using stethoscopes on the side of the vehicle picked up the unmistakeable strains of Mexican folk songs coming from inside. Once the back doors were opened, 23 illegals tumbled out and only 6 were prevented from dashing across the border into Mexico. The rest were able to make it to sanctuary where they turned and shouted insults at the border agents on the US side, waving their picks, shovels and lawnmowers.”

Representative Bachmann called on Congress to act quickly. “If we don’t do something right away the US is going to be devastated by a shortage of busboys, landscapers, nannies and fruit pickers. No American is going to work for the slave wages our businesses pay illegals. I tried to get the high school kids living next door to mow my lawn for $10 and they laughed in my face. It was humiliating.”

Debt Ceiling? Obama Makes Stunning Proposal

Seeking a solution to the default crisis looming on the horizon, President Obama offered a striking proposal during another debt negotiation at the White House on Thursday. “We can’t seem to agree on a deal to raise the debt ceiling, said Obama, so I propose we simply expand on a program that’s been going on for years.” All eyes were on the president as he pulled a remote control out of his shirt pocket and began a Power Point presentation. Images were rapidly flashed on the drop down screen in the Roosevelt Room as the lights were dimmed. Minority leader Nancy Pelosi stopped fiddling with her pearls and Speaker John Boehner capped his tube of bronzer as the attendees watched pictures of roads, buildings, dams, forests, factories and power plants flash by. “We’ve already sold off a great deal of our infrastructure to foreign investors, said the president, and this has been done piecemeal….that means one piece at a time,” he explained to Boehner who had raised his hand. “My solution is simple, the president went on, “the Chinese are reluctant to buy any more of our IOU’s because we’re already so deep in debt, so instead let’s give them something substantial in return for a big pot of cash. Let’s sell them the moon.”

At competing news conferences later in the day, the Democrats and Republicans voiced their views and concerns about the president’s idea.

 “It’s an interesting idea and would certainly eliminate the crisis, said Majority Leader Eric Cantor, addressing a team of reporters, “but naturally since the plan came from the mouth of President Obama, my first reaction is to oppose it right out of the gate.”

 Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader was careful to parse his comments, so as to not annoy anyone in either party. “I think the idea may have merit, he said, “but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my home state of Nevada it’s that if you bring something home from the Mustang Ranch, it’s likely nothing you want to display on your mantle or introduce to your parents.”

 Michele Bachmann, who represents the Tea Bagger faction in the House of Representatives was more circumspect. “I’m intrigued with the prospect, but we’d have to first get assurances from the Chinese that no homosexuals would ever be allowed on the moon. Obviously we can’t have Neil Armstrong’s rugged footprints disturbed by a bunch of Asian pansies wearing hush puppies.” She ignored a reporter’s question about whether this would include her husband, Marcus, an acknowledged fan of show tunes.

 Republican Peter King agreed with his colleague and added that there would also have to be a ban on any mosques being built on a piece of real estate so close to Manhattan. “250,000 miles is practically next door to Ground Zero, he said, “and besides which any Muslims on the moon would never know for sure which direction was east, making them more radical than ever.”

Potential presidential candidate Rudy Guliani asked to comment on President Obama’s plan at a fund raiser was predictably succinct: “9/11, 9/11, 9/11.”

TSA Defends Security Procedures

When passengers aboard Virgin America Flight 415 began complaining about the noxious body odor of a sleeping passenger, flight attendants took a break from counting food/pillow/drink profits made on the flight thus far and went to investigate. Upon waking passenger Olajide Oluwaseun Noibi in seat 3E they determined that not only did he indeed smell like maiden Aunt Tilley’s left armpit, but that he had also not made a single purchase while aboard the plane. Several flight attendants were in the midst of making sales pitches to the man for deodorant, magazine subscriptions and Dogs Playing Poker paintings when it was accidentally discovered that he had used an expired Disneyland All Day Pass to board the aircraft rather than purchasing a ticket. The crew were stunned, having never encountered a passenger this miserly before. An impromptu investigation among the flight attendants determined that one of the cabin stewards had failed to properly scrutinize Noibi’s boarding pass because he was busy making out a deposit slip for the previous flight’s profits, a task ordinarily delegated to the flight cashier, who in this instance had been clearing a jam in the plane’s automatic dollar bill counter.

The Virgin America aircraft was immediately diverted to Dulles Airport where Noibi was hustled off the plane by security personnel and searched for cash and credit cards. TSA officials said that Noibi was not arrested and that he had agreed to confine his travels to Greyhound in the future. An hour later Noibi turned up again, this time on a Delta Airlines flight bound for Atlanta, where his signature body fragrance alerted a completely different crew to his presence. This time it was learned that Noibi had boarded the flight using a ten day old receipt from Carl’s Jr. Embarrassed TSA officials insisted that although Noibi had slipped through their airtight security “like shit through a goose”, the fast food receipt had indeed been genuine. “It could have fooled anyone, said TSA chief John Pistole, who insisted that if Noibi had attempted to conceal a bananna in his rectum to avoid buying one aboard the plane, “we would have picked him up on the scanners in an instant.”

Bin Laden Location Old News, says Former President

Following President Obama’s announcement last night that Osama bin Laden had been killed by special forces in Pakistan, a clearly annoyed George W. Bush was mobbed by dozens of reporters at his home in Dallas, where he was clearing brush in his backyard.

“Don’t have to go all nukular on me ….course I knew where bin Laden was, said the testy former president, “member how I told you people he was wanted dead or alive? And then (V.P.) Cheney came right out and pinpointed his location for y’all when he said the boy was somewhere north, south, east or west of Baghdad, member that? I was just saving him up for a special occasion until I got done handing off the Social Security trust fund to Wall Street. But then while I was getting ready to spring my bin Laden trap, Barrack Hussein Obama got us into two wars, got caught torturing prisoners and crashed the US economy just before the presidential election of 2008, so I put bin Laden on the back burner and forgot all about him. By the way, did y’all know that Obama was actually born in Kenya? Don’t believe me? Just ask to see his birth certificate, see what happens then.”

House Republicans Declare Independent “No Flies Zone”

 Marching in lockstep in opposition to President Obama’s bombing decision in Libya, the Republicans in the House have proposed a resolution condemning the   president’s acting without consulting congress, before joining NATO in the explosive exercise. “We are in favor of the bombing as part of the No Fly Zone to protect civilians, said an emotional John Boehner, we’re just opposed to Obama doing it. Not only did he not get our permission, he didn’t even have the decency to make up some BS about weapons of mass destruction as a cover story.” The GOP considered putting up a webpage clarifying their position, but discovered that they couldn’t decide whether to commend the bombing or oppose the president for doing it. “It would make us look pretty foolish if we came out against the action that we ourselves were calling for just because the president went ahead and did it.”

 Eventually a consensus was reached within the GOP with only Ron Paul dissenting. Speaker Boehner tearfully announced on Friday that Congress would act independently of the Oval Office by enforcing a “No Flies Zone” in the congressional cafeteria. “We feel it’s important to defend the health and safety not only of of the country’s elected officials but their staffers as well.  We therefore  resolve that everything west of the salad bar in the cafeteria will be aggressively defended against the flies that always seem to crop up this time of year. We’re not bothering with a defense of the salad bar because only the Democrat Party hangs out there at lunchtime and they’d probably object to the use of peticides on environmental grounds anyway, so what would be the point?”

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