Latest Trump Divorce Confirmed

President Trump’s gaffe corrector and news filter, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, today affirmed to the gathered press corps that America’s chief executive is indeed in the process of divorcing wife Melania.

“The president has said that it took marriages to three “10’s” for him to finally acknowledge that there was a conceptual flaw in his whole marital outlook. I’ll now play a video of his prepared statement:

“After decades of fighting off beautiful women and marrying two or three of them in a row, I found myself sleepwalking through these unions. Each was less satisfying than the last… and the alimony … who needs the aggravation, am I right? Of course I’m right.

I talk with myself a lot, and I hear a lot of things. When you’re a stable genius and have a terrific brain, that’s what happens. It happens. I was looking in the mirror one day when it suddenly hit me: there is no woman on earth good enough for you, Donald. They all try, and I often move on them like a bitch. (When you’re rich and famous they let you do that.)
But in the end, they have all disappointed me. They have. They’ve disappointed me. I fired them. Get them out of here. Get them out. They’re fired. Get them out.

The only suitable mate for Donald Trump is Donald Trump. This idea came to me so fast it made my head spin. It still does. It goes around. My head goes around, spinning.
That’s why I am signing an executive order today making it legal for me to marry myself. I know what you’re thinking:

You’re thinking, how can Donald Trump deny his essence to the billions of women on the planet? And not just this planet. Any planet. Even Planet Hollywood which is a place filled with beautiful people.
But I have made my decision, and as you know, once my mind is made up …. that’s it. I never look back. I make a decision and it stands. Forever. It never changes. Never. Changes.

Officially, I can’t marry myself until Melania climbs into that U-Haul truck and leaves Trump Tower. But I have proposed to myself. I have proposed. In fact when I popped the question the other night, I had to change my underwear ……. so … no more of that question popping. No more. Popping. Ever.

You’re all invited to my wedding and reception. Except for Sloppy Steve Bannon and Kenya’s Barack Obama. It will be fantastic. Huge. There will be more people at my reception than at any wedding reception ever. More people. The biggest. The theme will be white. All white. White everywhere. It will be the whitest gathering since South Carolina.

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