Obamacare Damages Health Providers’ Profits

Wellpoint, Inc (parent company of Anthem Blue Cross ) went on the offensive today, decrying Obamacare as a roadblock to healthcare profits.

Angela F Brayly, Wellpoint’s recently retired CEO, whose meager salary barely topped $31 million last year, pulled no punches in explaining a general decline in profits for healthcare insurance companies.

First and foremost, she said, you have to consider one of the most basic challenges: rescinding policies. This used to be a huge money maker. We’d get someone on the hook paying exorbitant premiums for 20 years, and all of a sudden they’d go and submit a claim for cancer. Naturally, right out of the gate we’d deny it, of course. Our state-of-the-art computers are set up to print generic denial letters the same day the claim is made. This slap in the face was often enough to stun the policy holder long enough to give us time to begin our standard cancellation procedure.

By the time the consumer has gotten around to resubmitting his claim, wanting us to cover his cancer surgery, our Policy Rescinding Section has generally found something significant. Like maybe the guy neglected to tell us that he once had athlete’s foot in seventh grade. Bam! Athlete’s foot at 13 and then 40 years later he gets colon cancer…. coincidence? Not likely!

So there he is, about to go under the knife when he finds out that he’s violated Section 18 (a) subsection (3) by withholding this crucial information about a preexisting condition. We let him know in no uncertain terms that he’s on his own for the cost of the operation and that his dishonesty has forced us to cancel his coverage. And that of his family. This is what we call a win-win situation: the stockholders of Wellpoint rake in the profits and a criminally inclined insurance deadbeat is off the rolls forever.

Now, along comes Obamacare and we’re forbidden by law to practice routine insurance buggery. It’s simply outrageous. Health insurance death panels have been standard practice for generations, put in place to weed out the profit-sucking sick and lame. Let’s face it, health insurance exists for two reasons: first, to offer policy holders a warm and fuzzy feeling of security (subject to revocation) and to make money hand over fist by selling hope to gullible consumers. Making money in health insurance used to be a sure thing… like selling time-share condos in Somalia, and now we’re reduced to actually providing the service we’ve contracted for. Thanks Obama!”

One comment on “Obamacare Damages Health Providers’ Profits
  1. C’mon, now. The guy really didn’t fess up to his 7th-grade athlete’s foot. You know the guy is dim if he’s 13 and still in 7th grade, fer chrissake! So if he starves after his cancer surgery because he can’t pay for food and his medical bills, so be it.

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