Mass Shootings? Problem Solved the Natural Way

Maybe it’s time we stopped resisting the siren call of the NRA and went along with their ideology,” said Madelyn Spirchin of Mothers Against Bullet Holes. We keep hearing that the answer to more gun violence is more guns which result in more shootings which prompt the NRA to call for more guns….. perhaps we should adopt the NRA philosophy that mass shooting events are like natural disasters and go forward.

Everyone gets upset after a tornado wipes out a trailer park, but no one seriously considers banning tornadoes, right? An earthquake collapses a school building burying 50 or 60 students alive, but no one believes that more construction regulations are going to stop earthquakes.

So here’s our proposal: instead of banning assault weapons, let’s just name them for natural events. For instance, let Colt come out with “The Tsunami”, a magazine fed, laser sighted semi-automatic weapon, specifically designed to clear a beach of sunbathers in a heartbeat. This way the next morning’s headline would read: “Tsunami kills 80 in Newport Beach.”

There would be no gnashing of teeth and wailing about new laws being needed, because a tsunami is a natural event. The body count would be added to the Acts of God column and we could all move on with our lives.

Other re-namings under consideration are:






Lightning Strike

Another plus for this campaign is that it would rid us once and for all of that irritating slogan:

guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, because it would be rewritten to say “guns don’t kill people, tsunamis kill people.” Obviously a win-win for everyone.

One comment on “Mass Shootings? Problem Solved the Natural Way
  1. Spirchin might qualify for the NRA’s whacked list–or she might not. Regardless, you have captured the NRA from several nut-case perspectives in this piece. But fair warning:
    Don’t send this to your buds who carry, or we might be hearing about . . .

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