Dear Leader Died During Trombone Symphony, Says North Korea
Listening sites around the world have been monitoring radio traffic inside the borders of secretive North Korea since the announcement on Monday that Kim Jung il, that country’s most beloved despot had died on Saturday. At first there was little additional information, not even an official statement as to Kim’s actual age, estimated in the west to be between 65 and 70. All that changed today when the state’s Central News Agency divulged that the diminutive dictator had been aboard a train headed for a farm collective in the eastern part of the country when his overly generous heart gave out.
“Our Dear Leader died from overwork,” sobbed a news reader on North Korean Television, as a bright red laser dot from an offstage censor’s rifle danced on her forehead. “He was participating in a musical exercise which we believe is known in the west as the ‘Rusty Trombone’, something usually left to much younger men. But Dear Leader had always been keen to provide the zen-like duality of a hand job while at the same time delivering an enthusiastic rim job upon the nether regions of a lucky young soldier plucked at random from the barracks car of the train. The young guardsman said that just as life left the divine naked body of our earth bound god, Kim was heard to utter, ‘the throbbing, oh my… the throbbing.’ The Most Select Council of Military Endeavors is at this moment attempting to unravel the deeper mystic meaning of Dear Leader’s final pronouncement.”
Frankly, Only the Executive Branch Needed, says Gingrich
Pulling ahead of the pack in the Right Wing race to be the most outrageous GOP candidate in history, Newt Gingrich distinguished himself at Thursday’s debate when he told moderator Howard Stern that as president he would simply ignore the other two branches of government.
“There’s no point in having federal courts that disagree with the chief executive,” he said. “George W. Bush was kind of leaning that way but he lost his nerve in his second term, frankly. Once I’ve taken the oath of office I’ll simply abolish any court that is foolish enough to stand up to me. That includes the Supreme Court, so I hope the justices are paying attention. When they appointed Bush to be president by canceling the vote count in Florida, they were dangerously divided: five right votes and four wrong ones. That simply won’t happen under a Gingrich presidency, frankly, it’ll be either my way or the highway. I know what’s good for America and as president I’ll rule the right way.”
Asked whether being drummed out of the House of Representatives in disgrace in 1999 by a near unanimous vote had been good for America, Mr. Gingrich was ready with an answer.
“Members of the House are in a good position to make lots of money, frankly, and that’s what I was doing. What you saw in 1999 was the result of a personal vendetta against me by a few sore heads who were frankly jealous of my ability to sustain a patriotic erection no matter how many distractions I was dealing with. They convinced the rest of the members that the fact that I was getting more ass than a DC bus bench while my wife was hospitalized for some allegedly life threatening cancer was giving the House a bad name. That and my making money for personal gain hand over fist on the taxpayers’ dime. I haven’t forgotten that insult and once I’m president Congress might just as well vote themselves a permanent vacation, because as Chief Executive I’ll eliminate that branch of government with a stroke of my pen. And I can do that, frankly. As a former historian I know whereof I speak.”
He waved off any further questions and instead made a final statement. “Oh , and one more thing. These red, white and blue flags flapping around behind me? Take a good look, because come January 20, 2013 they’re gone. Wife #3, Callista says the stripes make me look fat. So no more stars and stripes. I’ll have a committee design a new flag. Just between you and me I think Callista’s hairpiece looks like it was cast in bronze, frankly, but at least it doesn’t make her look fat, just extraterrestrial.”
Big Oil to America: Frack Off!
“Here we go again”, said Speaker of the House John Boehner, taking a moment from his his weekly summation of Republican filibusters to ridicule environmental regulations. “The patriotic petroleum industry finds a new way to tap fossil energy and keep America firmly in the 19th century, and here comes the EPA to screw things up.”
He was referring to a recent EPA report that linked underground fracking done to release natural gas, to the sudden emergence of combustible drinking water in areas of Wyoming. “They act like benzene is a bad thing,” said Boehner, “and they go on and on about tremors, brain damage, anemia, cancer, coma, death…..without once mentioning that the average Wyoming citizen’s faucet has just become a gold mine. Think about it, now that the groundwater is flammable it’s much more valuable. Whenever they’re not using it to cook, brush their teeth, take showers or do laundry, they can use it to heat their homes, fill up the gas tanks in their cars and trucks and and fire up the barbecue. Think of all the money they’ll save! I hear you can also use it to strip paint, clean carburetors and make embalming fluid.”
Asked about the dangers to pregnant women and their unborn fetuses, Mr. Boehner called on the assembled members of the media to remember what Governor Rick Perry had said at one of the recent carnival-style presidential debates. “He said that if elected president he would move into the Alamo, criminalize illegal acts and do another thing that I can’t remember right now. Oops.”