GOP Hopefuls’ Bitefest 2012

“Gonna melt it down to add 999 miles to the border fence,” was the answer given by GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain, when asked about his Statue of Liberty plan at the most recent Republican debate, or as anti-tax activist Grover Norquist calls it, “the Freak Show.” Mr. Cain expanded on his statue rhetoric when given a chance to respond for 30 seconds, after being chided by the 9^th most popular candidate, Governor Rick Perry. “Ain’t nuthin’ American about inviting masses and tribes of starving poor people right through our front door. Huh! ‘Give me your huddled masses’ sound more like handing you off a pile of dog poo or a Godfather’s pizza. I never got nuthin’ for free in my life so why should they!”

Would-be candidate Michelle Bachmann, while agreeing that the Statue of Liberty was a beacon for immigrants like leaving your door unlocked is a beacon for burglars, couldn’t resist sticking it to the former pizza seller when she challenged him about his “getting nuthin’ for free” claim. She said, “ I happen to know that your ancestors got a free boat ride from Africa a couple of hundred years ago, and were charged nothing for their upkeep at the various cotton plantations in the South where they were allowed to lay about and dabble in agriculture for generations,” she said. Bachmann added that when Paul Revere delivered the Liberty Bell to Gettysburg at the conclusion of Spanish-American War, President Lincoln, a Republican, had said absolutely nothing about slavery, proving that it didn’t exist.

When Perry was called upon to reveal his plan to relieve America’s unemployment problem, the six term Texas governor ticked off his ten point proposal on his fingers saying, “jobs” ten times in a row. He then fleshed out his plan. “It really isn’t that hard to comprehend, he said, cocking his head to one side in a move reminiscent of a certain former president, “jobs are so plentiful in Texas that everyone has at least three of them, and we’re building more Taco Bells and Burger Kings every day to keep them coming.” And then, ignoring  Anderson Cooper’s time -cut -off hand signal, Perry plunged ahead explaining his flat tax proposal. “No one on this stage has a tax flatter than my flat tax. I call it the “flat out” tax. I say flat out, that the richest Americans have been screwed over for years and it’s time for working people and the poor to pick up the tab for once. And that includes any Kenyan who squats in the Oval Office pretending to be president, who shall remain nameless. Wink, wink.” (Governor Perry’s spokesman later defended the candidate’s saying, “wink, wink” rather than … you know… actually winking, because that would have had voters confusing him with Sarah Palin when he’s actually trying to convince them that he’s the reincarnation of Saint Ronald).

Mitt Romney, whose last presidential bid failed to gain traction, was the next to speak. “First off I’d like to get past the ongoing claim that I’m a flip-flopper, who will say whatever I think the audience wants to hear. Does anyone have a request for what they want to hear? (ba-dump-bump) Just kidding, folks…. seriously, I’m here all week and I’m in this race to win, despite my Mormon faith which has been branded a cult. To which I say, Christians, show me your underwear and I’ll show you mine. We’ll see who has magic symbols on their briefs and who doesn’t. Or not. Maybe Mormonism is a cult after all, who can say one way or another in a world where corporations are people, my friends. I don’t disagree with my opponents about tax issues in this country, but neither can I support what they’re saying until I find out which plan is most popular in the polls. Until then I’ll stand on my record of creating a basically socialist healthcare plan in Massachusetts which I have thoroughly disowned despite its obvious success. Believe me, I’m as unhappy as anyone that President Obama copied the plan that I didn’t come up with. And on these positions I am rock solid.

Last to speak was Ron Paul, who spent his first five minutes complaining about having to always be last and being the butt of jokes about his false eyebrows falling off at several of the debates. “At the core of Libertarianism is the belief that government is something we don’t need until we do. Like a fire extinguisher but not nearly as efficient. Think of a fire extinguisher that gets bigger and bigger until there’s no building big enough to put it in. And then someone yells, ‘fire’ and everyone says that someone else should have kept the size down because now the extinguisher is too big to carry to the fire. But that would have required regulating the size which is the last thing we need to argue about and which is why you never see me in public with a fire extinguisher. Of any kind. We should get out of Iraq and Afghanistan and make them buy our fire extinguishers. It’s the least they could do after forcing us to invade them and drop sacks of money on them from the air for all these years. Has anyone seen my eyebrows? My last set walked off stage stuck to the bottom of Rick Perry’s boot.

Bank of America Dreams Up New Fees

Bank of America has announced a host of new charges for debit and credit card customers that will go into effect November 1, 2011.

 Phone Activation Fee: when you get your new card in the mail, there is $5 phone fee for activation by calling the 800 number on the card, which can be avoided by using our website: www.BoAgotcha.com

 Online Activation Fee: if you go to our website rather than calling to activate your card, there is a $5 fee.

 Purchase Fee: Most merchants accept BoA credit and debit cards and every time they accept yours a modest 2% of purchase fee is added to the retail price you paid. No additional computation fees will be added at this time.

 GPS Proximity Fee: Now that all newly issued BoA credit and debit cards are electronically linked through GPS, card holders will be charged a proximity fee whenever the card is within 200 yards of a BoA bank or ATM machine. For customer convenience, this charge will be added on at the end of the billing period to eliminate the nuisance of customers trying to steer clear of BoA locations.

 Out of Network Fee: should you find it necessary to use a credit or debit card other than your BoA, you will be charged a 1% fee on every increment of $100 forwards or backwards, whichever occurs first.

 Customer Service Fee: Our operators are standing by 24/7 to bill your credit or debit card should you have the audacity to contact our call center. Please note that our menu options have changed and that by requesting any language other than Spanish, a language upgrade fee will be added to the cost of the call.

 Stand By Fee: Our time is valuable. Customers who remain on hold, waiting to speak to a representative will be billed at the “standard hold time rate” of 50 cents per minute and “premium hold time rate” on weekends and holidays. The amount billed for premium time is not available nor negotiable, so the hold option is always at your own risk.

 Online Banking Fee: We are proud of our online banking services and encourage customers to run up a tab by using them in order to avoid the current charges for banking by mail. Paying your bills online has never been easier, nor this expensive. For your convenience, the charges for each click of the mouse are automatically added to your total monthly bill. And we never charge you for fruit or cheese unless you opt out (“opt out” charge figured separately).

 Overcharge Fee: If at any time you find that you have been billed for a service you never would have paid for had you known in advance, BoA will conduct an investigation (at current investigative fee rates) and bill you for our error plus any charges or fees previously missed through no fault of our own.

 Cancellation Fee: Your BoA credit or debit card account may be canceled at any time either by you or by BoA, subject to the customary cancellation fee and approval of your pre-request arbitration agreement. All legal fees are the responsibility of the BoA customer, his representative or heirs in the case of unforeseen death by misadventure or otherwise as provided by law.

 Regulatory Advancement Fee: For your convenience costs of lobbyists working on behalf of BoA and its subsidiaries to discover fees and charges not yet applied or imagined will be imposed on customers in increments disguised as regulatory fees imposed as taxes both local and federal in amounts to be determined by the estimated size of bonuses awarded to BoA executives in any and all cases herewith and forthwith, in settlement of grievances perceived or anticipated. Welcome aboard!