Lion King-BW

  Coming on the heels of its success with a re-release of Lion King in 3D, Disney announced today another re-release of its iconic money maker: Lion King: Black and White. “We’ve discovered a new way to separate movie goers from their money”, said Franklin Jessup, Disney Vice President in charge of separating movie goers from their money. “The response to our release of LK (Lion King) in 3D with absolutely nothing else added to the film, really opened our eyes. People were lined up around the block all over the country eager to pony up $50 per family to see the same movie they’d been watching on TV for years. We figured, what the hell, and programmed our digital video computers to take all the color out of the frames. Result: a Disney movie like you haven’t seen since  “Steam Boat Willy” in 1928. Just the opposite of what that shyster Ted Turner has been doing by putting color into old movies. Next we’re gonna re-release Lion King: Reversal, where we run the original film backwards. They’ll eat it up.”

Charlie Sheen Proposes “Winner” Middle East Solution

“It’s so simple, I don’t know why no one has thought of this before. Maybe because they don’t have my head for politics (see picture of my head). The Jews and the Arabs have been going at it for like months now, right? The Arabs… or the Palestinians… whatever… they want the same territory the Jews… or Israelis…. whatever…want, right? I keep hearing all the political BS about a two state solution, but the fact is that neither wants the other to have a state, am I right? So here’s the deal. Give Israel to the Palestinians. All of it. The Wailing Wall the olive groves, the Red Sea or whatever…. all of it. So there’s one state. And the Jews? Give them Idaho. Hear me out, okay? First… it’s a state. No one can say it’s not. Second, it’s much closer to America than the Middle East which is in Middle Earth or….. whatever.

So all the Jews move to Idaho…. all the Arabs move to Israel…. badda boom, badda bing….

These two “states” are so far apart that they can’t throw rocks or lob missiles or whatever at each other, right? Plus the Jews could learn to ski…. with the snow and what all in Idaho. Plus I hear the fishing is great, and you know the Jews love fishing, am I right?

Now I know what you’re thinking? What happens when Jesus comes back to Mount Temple or whatever in Jerusalem to throw a Rapture. He’s gonna look around and say, ‘WTF… where’s all my chosen people’, right? So we post a big sign in Hebrew or Jewish or whatever that says ‘We’ve moved to a new location’ with one of those finger pointy things on it. He’s Jesus, he’ll figure it out.

Okay, so that’s solved. Now I hear there’s some crap going on in Iranistan with Vamoose Ima-dinner-jacket. I got some ideas on that, too. Everyone comes up a winner.”

Family Reunion with Dead Gramps this Thanksgiving

Death need not be a somber occasion these days. Funerals don’t have to be filled with sobbing and rubbing elbows with relatives you never knew you had. With today’s microcircuits, Wi-Fi and animatronics, dead grandpa can now be as close as your big screen TV any time you want him to visit!

Welcome to the world of Hitachi’s Dead-no-More where those who have passed over can still be a part of the family. One call to DNM after “Pop-pop” has quit breathing and our trained staff responds to your home or the mortuary of your choice to put the life back where it belongs.

 With DNM’s active circuitry and plasticized makeover, granddad will still enjoy eternal rest in a beautiful silk lined casket six feet under ground, but with features unlike anything seen in the past.

Imagine the magical reunion that first Thanksgiving after the passing of the old duffer, when you switch on the 50 inch flat screen and there’s grandpa’s face brought to you through state of the art two way video transfer from the interior of the coffin,  right to your living room (up to 100 miles depending on terrain). What’s so magical about that, you ask? Why should a video feed of a dead man be of any interest? Because thanks to DNM’s proprietary engineering, what happens next is simply amazing. Imagine stunned grandma seeing her dead husband on the screen and clutching her chest as she gasps, “Herbert, is that you?”.  And at the sound of her voice, the corpse’s eyes fly open its mouth begins twitching and a moment later grandma’s dead spouse speaks to her in his own voice!

Yes, thanks to a cleverly hidden air tank, oxygen is forced through the dead man’s own larynx and lips meaning that he speaks as convincingly as if that final jolt from the paramedics’ defibrillator had worked after all . Using the remote keypad supplied with the deluxe DNM package, gramps can be programmed to say anything you like. He can wish you a Merry Christmas, offer birthday greetings or, in auto-clock mode, even provide the time of day on demand. His sayings are limited only by your imagination.

And if you choose the optional Hallowe’en package the grandkids can watch Pop’s animatronic fingers clawing at the coffin lid as he moans, “I’m coming to get you”,  just before the little ones are tucked in for the night.

For the budget minded family, DNM is proud to offer the popular “ Magic 8 Ball” combination. Although no keypad is included for individualized programming, your purchase allows any family member to ask grandpa questions which will be randomly answered with such statements as “without a doubt”, “signs point to yes” and “what are you asking me for? I’m dead”.

Keep watching this site as improvements are being made all the time. For instance, our much anticipated Christmas release in 2012 will allow gramps to play charades, floss his teeth and speak in sign language for the hearing impaired.