Tea Party Sees Reverse Immigration as Threat to Economy

With the US economy rapidly coming to resemble that of a third world country, Republicans in the House of Representatives took a moment from their current debt ceiling diatribe to propose new legislation on illegal immigration. Tea Party activist Michele Bachmann pointed out that such legislation was necessary to protect American corporations from potentially disastrous pay hikes, as low wage workers were rapidly becoming as hard to find as Borders book stores.

“We need to immediately hire 2,500 more Border Patrol agents to keep the illegals from fleeing the country, she said. She went on to cite statistics from ICE that show an alarming trend: undocumented workers attempting to cross the border into Mexico in search of work. “Just yesterday a van was stopped as the driver attempted to cross from Arizona into Sonora, Mexico. Agents using stethoscopes on the side of the vehicle picked up the unmistakeable strains of Mexican folk songs coming from inside. Once the back doors were opened, 23 illegals tumbled out and only 6 were prevented from dashing across the border into Mexico. The rest were able to make it to sanctuary where they turned and shouted insults at the border agents on the US side, waving their picks, shovels and lawnmowers.”

Representative Bachmann called on Congress to act quickly. “If we don’t do something right away the US is going to be devastated by a shortage of busboys, landscapers, nannies and fruit pickers. No American is going to work for the slave wages our businesses pay illegals. I tried to get the high school kids living next door to mow my lawn for $10 and they laughed in my face. It was humiliating.”

Debt Ceiling? Obama Makes Stunning Proposal

Seeking a solution to the default crisis looming on the horizon, President Obama offered a striking proposal during another debt negotiation at the White House on Thursday. “We can’t seem to agree on a deal to raise the debt ceiling, said Obama, so I propose we simply expand on a program that’s been going on for years.” All eyes were on the president as he pulled a remote control out of his shirt pocket and began a Power Point presentation. Images were rapidly flashed on the drop down screen in the Roosevelt Room as the lights were dimmed. Minority leader Nancy Pelosi stopped fiddling with her pearls and Speaker John Boehner capped his tube of bronzer as the attendees watched pictures of roads, buildings, dams, forests, factories and power plants flash by. “We’ve already sold off a great deal of our infrastructure to foreign investors, said the president, and this has been done piecemeal….that means one piece at a time,” he explained to Boehner who had raised his hand. “My solution is simple, the president went on, “the Chinese are reluctant to buy any more of our IOU’s because we’re already so deep in debt, so instead let’s give them something substantial in return for a big pot of cash. Let’s sell them the moon.”

At competing news conferences later in the day, the Democrats and Republicans voiced their views and concerns about the president’s idea.

 “It’s an interesting idea and would certainly eliminate the crisis, said Majority Leader Eric Cantor, addressing a team of reporters, “but naturally since the plan came from the mouth of President Obama, my first reaction is to oppose it right out of the gate.”

 Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader was careful to parse his comments, so as to not annoy anyone in either party. “I think the idea may have merit, he said, “but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my home state of Nevada it’s that if you bring something home from the Mustang Ranch, it’s likely nothing you want to display on your mantle or introduce to your parents.”

 Michele Bachmann, who represents the Tea Bagger faction in the House of Representatives was more circumspect. “I’m intrigued with the prospect, but we’d have to first get assurances from the Chinese that no homosexuals would ever be allowed on the moon. Obviously we can’t have Neil Armstrong’s rugged footprints disturbed by a bunch of Asian pansies wearing hush puppies.” She ignored a reporter’s question about whether this would include her husband, Marcus, an acknowledged fan of show tunes.

 Republican Peter King agreed with his colleague and added that there would also have to be a ban on any mosques being built on a piece of real estate so close to Manhattan. “250,000 miles is practically next door to Ground Zero, he said, “and besides which any Muslims on the moon would never know for sure which direction was east, making them more radical than ever.”

Potential presidential candidate Rudy Guliani asked to comment on President Obama’s plan at a fund raiser was predictably succinct: “9/11, 9/11, 9/11.”

TSA Defends Security Procedures

When passengers aboard Virgin America Flight 415 began complaining about the noxious body odor of a sleeping passenger, flight attendants took a break from counting food/pillow/drink profits made on the flight thus far and went to investigate. Upon waking passenger Olajide Oluwaseun Noibi in seat 3E they determined that not only did he indeed smell like maiden Aunt Tilley’s left armpit, but that he had also not made a single purchase while aboard the plane. Several flight attendants were in the midst of making sales pitches to the man for deodorant, magazine subscriptions and Dogs Playing Poker paintings when it was accidentally discovered that he had used an expired Disneyland All Day Pass to board the aircraft rather than purchasing a ticket. The crew were stunned, having never encountered a passenger this miserly before. An impromptu investigation among the flight attendants determined that one of the cabin stewards had failed to properly scrutinize Noibi’s boarding pass because he was busy making out a deposit slip for the previous flight’s profits, a task ordinarily delegated to the flight cashier, who in this instance had been clearing a jam in the plane’s automatic dollar bill counter.

The Virgin America aircraft was immediately diverted to Dulles Airport where Noibi was hustled off the plane by security personnel and searched for cash and credit cards. TSA officials said that Noibi was not arrested and that he had agreed to confine his travels to Greyhound in the future. An hour later Noibi turned up again, this time on a Delta Airlines flight bound for Atlanta, where his signature body fragrance alerted a completely different crew to his presence. This time it was learned that Noibi had boarded the flight using a ten day old receipt from Carl’s Jr. Embarrassed TSA officials insisted that although Noibi had slipped through their airtight security “like shit through a goose”, the fast food receipt had indeed been genuine. “It could have fooled anyone, said TSA chief John Pistole, who insisted that if Noibi had attempted to conceal a bananna in his rectum to avoid buying one aboard the plane, “we would have picked him up on the scanners in an instant.”