Wake Up When YOU Are Ready!

Who among us hasn’t been jarred awake by that irritating buzz or jangle of the bedside alarm clock? What an annoying way to begin another soul dampening week at that boring deadend job. Now you can rest easy with Revco’s Day/Night Earmuffs. No need to hit the snooze button because you won’t hear the alarm in the first place! Let that clock radio blast away…. ignore that bell clanging clamor… with Day/Night Earmuffs you can keep right on dreaming. What better way to tell your boss that you have declared indendence than to show up for work when YOU feel like it, and if he gets snippy just remind him that you were looking for a job when you found this one, and if he doesn’t like your attitude there are plenty of clock punching applicants out there just waiting to kiss his ass. Let some other wage slave take over your desk, you rebel! Time to crawl back under those sheets and live life to the fullest.

FlatPak: Innovation for the 21st Century

We’ve all experienced the dilemma. You want to hit the street for that five mile run but there just isn’t any place in your skin tight shorts to carry all those batteries. You certainly don’t want to leave them at home in the kitchen junk drawer while you’re out eating the pavement but you don’t want to bother with a tote bag either. FlatPak is the answer! This attractive designer arm band has pockets for all the popular battery sizes. You can carry four D cells, six C’s or even more AA’s and AAA’s. You can mix and match, pairing up two C’s with two D’s or get really innovative mashing in some of those hearing aid button batteries along with the standard sizes. What about brands? No problem! Your FlatPak will handle Duracell, Eveready and even those crappy Chinese copies whose names no one can pronounce. FlatPak can even handle expired or dead batteries, but let’s face it. Only a moron would waste energy toting a bunch of dead batteries around the neighborhood in an iridescent arm band! Some of our customers have written us saying that with two Flatpaks they can carry twice as many batteries by wearing one on each bicep. While we applaud the audacity, we at FlatPak advise runners to check with their physicians before taking on a double load like this.

News Flash: our engineers are nearly finished designing FlatPak II which will enable dedicated runners to carry a 6 volt lantern battery held snugly against the small of the back. We’ll keep you updated.

Family Urine Storage Bottles Back in Stock!

We at Yellosno Inc. are pleased to announce that after a six month wait and a backlog of orders our distributor has come through. We can once again offer our popular clear glass Family Urine Storage Containers at competitive prices. Each six pack of our Made in America quart sized bottles comes with the patented  lick em n stick  em waterproof  labels, which are guaranteed to never ever smear or fade, so when you go to the Urine Storage Cabinet you can be assured of knowing immediately whether a bottle was whizzed by Gramps, mom or even a visiting relative.  And in response to requests by customers just like you, there’s no more fumbling in the middle of the night because  now our labels glow in the dark as well. Thanks to Yellosno Inc, Family Urine Storage has never been easier or more affordable. If you act within the next ten days, shipping is free and a urine alert buzzer will be included at no additional charge. If for any reason you are dissatisfied with your Urine Storage Bottles, just return the unused containers and keep the urine alert buzzer as our gift to you. Distributorships are now being accepted but act fast or risk missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

Iphone App For Airliner Disasters

Mobile phone apps are currently available to get you to the airport, whisk you through security, locate you luggage and snag a rental car before you reach your destination. Gemco Intel Apps of San Francisco has just announced the release of its latest app, which gives every indication of being a runaway best seller on Itunes. Jeremy Roscoe, founder and CEO of Gemco showed off the firm’s highly technical marvel, known as Tailspin, at this week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Roscoe explained that with proprietory software, the iphone’s built in microphone constantly monitors the auditory pulses produced in every functioning commercial airliner flying today. The sounds picked up are compared to those stored in a gigantic database on a cloud server, and anomalies are instantly evaluated. What this means for you,  the iphone equipped airline passenger, is that the moment a catastrophic systems failure occurs onboard your flight, 100 million possible recovery scenarios are examined by the software and within two seconds, if disaster is inevitable, you become the first individual on board to know that the airplane is going to crash. One tap on the iphone screen and your loved ones are instantly alerted so that they can plan ahead: for instance they’ll be able to have  someone else  take  out the trash tomorrow. For iphones equipped with GPS, the trajectory of the doomed airliner is calculated, so that funeral arrangements can be configured as to whether to include pieces of your remains or, in the case of over-the-ocean scenarios, the exact coordinates of the flaming wreckage can be offered up for inclusion in your memorial service. Beyond giving your family a heads up of your abrupt expiration, there is the added satisfaction of being in charge. Knowledge is power, after all, and even before your 747 begins its gut wrenching spiral, plummeting earthward a Mach 2, its your call: let the other passengers know of their impending doom or smugly keep it to yourself as you watch the dawning comprehension on their fear distorted faces. Tailspin is available on Itunes for $3.99.

GOP Wingnut Decries US Assistance to Lesbian Rebels

  Fresh off her “Rewrite History Our Way” speaking tour, US Representative Michele Bachman made an unscheduled stop in Madison, Wisconsin to attend a book burning outside the state’s capitol building. Dozens of the torchers in attendance were visibly invigorated by the appearance of the vitriolic congresswoman and urged her to make a statement as they built a bonfire out of dictionaries and encyclopedias. “I don’t know what you’re doing here today, exactly, she said, but if it involves fire and books, I’m obviously for it.” Looking perpetually startled as always, the Minnesota Republican wasted little time before launching into an anti Obama diatribe.

 “If you’ve followed the news as closely as I have in the last few weeks, you know that our Kenyan dictator has sent US forces to defend the lesbian rebels in in Tripoli. You’d think he’d be satisfied with invading Iraq and Afghanistan, but no…. now he sends our young men and women to fight for lesbians in Tripoli. What’s next? Africa? Maybe he thinks rebellion is a good thing, well I don’t! Where we would we be today if we had begun this great country of ours as a bunch of shabbily dressed rebels? Would we be a nation of lesbians? I think not! Those of us who read the Good Book know that not once are lesbians mentioned. Which means that they don’t exist. Which means there is no reason to drop bombs on Wal-Marts in Tripoli. I say enough already… have you seen what Gadaffi has to wear these days, now that he has to scrounge around in the thrift stores? It’s embarrassing…. I mean the man has been an ally of ours since 2006 when George W. Bush took him off the Democrat terror list. How he wound up on that list anyway just because of some plane crash in Scotland is way above my pay grade. So let’s recap: Obama is defending lesbians which don’t exist and weakening our military in the process, which is already stretched like Dolly Parton’s bra straps, so that he can call up his secret army and herd freedom loving Americans into his concentration camps which have been funded by George Soros in order to sap our precious bodily fluids. I hope I can count on your vote in 2012, in Jesus’ name I pray. Thank you and goodnight.”