12.7 Hours: When Nature Calls

For a supenseful, gut wrenching, teeth clenching movie experience it’s hard to top 12.7 hours, currently being considered for an Oscar nomination. It’s a story of determination, faith and courage and while everyone knows the outcome before even buying a ticket, at least half the audience can closely identify with the anguish of the protagonist.

The events depicted in the movie are well known and documented: a lone hiker chooses to ignore a “Closed for the Season” sign at a rest area in Moab, Utah, and suffers unspeakable horror as a result when his penis becomes frozen to a urinal in the stark, concrete block rest room. Ryan Rollins, the hiker, who actually served as a consultant during the making of the film agreed that the script captured the mood of the situation and added that he was eager to see the movie produced as a cautionary tale for those rugged individualists who think that the rules don’t apply to them.

“As a child I had managed to get my tongue stuck to frozen items on two separate occasions. Once to a flag pole on the playground in sixth grade and then again to the carcass of a dead moose during hunting season when I was 30. My buddies had ‘double-dog’ dared me, when we encountered the partially decomposed animal while hunting, and being rugged and proud I couldn’t very well walk away now, could I?” Rollins went on to describe the terror of being on all fours with his tongue effectively glued to the anus of what had once surely been a magnificent animal for several hours before being rescued by a park ranger who later sold the story to the producers of MTV’s “Jackass”.

In the movie, we suffer along with Rollins as his urge to urinate in the desolate landscape builds with each passing moment. We sense his relief as the deserted restroom comes into view with the wind driven sleet letting up just long enough for him to spot the facility, squatting on a frozen bluff above the Mongoloid River. When Rollins brushes aside the “Closed for the Season” sign, we identify with his bravado, which recalls the actions of the reluctant vigilante in “Death Wish”.  A hush falls over the audience as the surround sound captures the sound of that zipper coming down, the emergence of Ryan’s pink tool, the welcome gush of urine… and then the shock as the tip of Ryan’s penis contacts the lip of the urinal. Every male in the theater involuntarily crosses his legs as Ryan struggles against Mother Nature, who has his foreskin firmly in her grasp.

Some reviewers have seen this spine tingling moment as an Oedipal metaphor, Ryan desperately pulling away from his clinging mother who just won’t let go, while others see it as nothing more than what it appears to be: stupidity being caught with its pants down, so to speak.

What follows in the unfolding plot has earned the film an R rating, not to mention gasps of dismay and episodes of fainting among members of the audience. Ryan’s discovery of a rusted razor blade among the cobwebs on a nearby shelf offers up salvation and at the same time, grim realization that the man who leaves that isolated restroom will never be the same.

Representative Bachman Offers Stinging Rebuke or Something

Carried live on CNN last night, Representative Michele Bachman offered up a stinging rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. Refusing to look into the lens of the camera (“because that’s just what ‘they’ would expect me to do”) Rep Bachman challenged historians to rethink their version of American history.

“When all four of our fathers found this great nation it was in deplorable condition. The Indians controlled everything even though there wern’t any 7-11′s or dry cleaners. They were embarrassed by the color of their skin and when white people showed up they started committing suicide by the thousands, first with smallpox and then going all ‘suicide by soldier’ where they would pull bows and arrows out of their loincloths begging to be shot. And they were. Even Sitting Bull was shot, although he was standing at the time. So our four fathers got together in Philadelphia one summer and proposed a Constitutional Amendment saying that everybody had skin and some of those skins were of different colors and they should all be treated the same and have rights. Except for black people, of course, because three fifths of them were negros, and all of them were slaves who picked cotton for some reason. There weren’t any Q-tips back then, so why did we need all that cotton anyway? That’s why we had the Civil War against the British, and as you probably noticed, you don’t see negros of any color picking cotton any more. That’s because we won. There wasn’t another British invasion until 1964 and the jury is still out on that one, except that Paul was my favorite and definitely was NOT the walrus. In any case we now face our biggest challenge: a man in the White House who has never picked cotton. Is it because they don’t grow cotton in Kenya? That’s one question you will never hear answered by the liberal media. So what has any of this to do with the Tea Party, you ask? That is my question. And that’s why I’m here tonight on television offering my vision and my leadership on the issue of who will run for president in 2012. I am a registered Republican but also the head Teabagger. I began Teabagging back in 2009 and stood shoulder to shoulder with thousands of others who put forward the most important question of the new century: will there be a Teabagger in the White House in 2012? And will her name be Lewinsky or Bachman? Only you can make that choice, so get on with it.

Dick Cheney In Search of Human Heart. Yours?

 Rumors about a notorious relic from the Bush administration turned out to be true according to the latest spate of documents posted by Wikileaks. Doctors from Walter Reed   Medical Center confirmed that former vice president Dick Cheney is actively seeking a human heart to replace the mechanical pump currently forcing artificial blood through his decaying circulatory system.

“Mr Cheney had expressed annoyance with the current steam powered unit due to the loud wheezing and gurgling noises produced by the Defcon V, that was installed only last year,” said Dr. V.L. Sanderson, of the Walter Reed cardiology unit. “We had hoped to get our hands on a state of the art pump currently being produced in China, but have been informed that all of the pumps coming off the assembly line are needed in washing machines intended for domestic distribution.”

It was reported that Cheney had himself come up with the idea of procuring a human heart and had even flown to Tucson last week in hopes of snagging a still beating organ from the chest of a shooting victim there. “Unfortunately, the patient we had in mind objected to giving up his heart on the grounds of simple human decency. He said that he’d rather see his heart ground up and rendered as dog food than allow Cheney to possess it. Besides which, he was still using it, which made Dick somewhat petulant.” During an appearance on Meet the Press last Sunday, Cheney groused about the selfishness of some Americans: “it’s always about me, me, me,  grumbled the former VP, as his mechanical pump clanked and hissed, you’d think that in this time of national tragedy someone would give a little bit of themselves, so that I don’t have to take what I need from someone else.”

Arizona Becomes Example for Afghanistan

With the upsurge of suicide bombings in Afghanistan, that nation’s leaders have been looking all over the world for inspiration; how to cut down on the number of innocent victims in these devastating assaults. Not surprisingly, in looking for answers they latched onto the ideas of one of the most violent nations on earth: America. President Hamid Karzai put forward the current thinking in his administration:

“If Arizona taught us one thing it’s that the more guns you have in the hands of lunatics, the more guns you need in the hands of  the not so crazy citizens. Therefore, the most obvious solution for Afghanistan is not to fear suicide bombers, but to become suicide bombers. It’s as plain as the egg on my face. From now on, every man, woman and child in Afghanistan will be required to wear a suicide bomber’s vest at all times. This way, any time someone wishes to express displeasure about anything at all, they simply detonate themselves on the spot. And the best part? No victims! Zero! Everyone who dies in any blast was a potential suicide bomber anyway. Not only does this rob the insurgents of their ability to use terror as a tool, but it also promotes job growth. Someone has to manufacture all those additional suicide vests, right?  Somebody has to man the shovels to scoop up the extra body parts. And even those not directly involved in the suicide industry will benefit. How? Simple. Everytime a blast goes off making 30 or 40 new martyrs, someone has to be hired to take over the jobs those people did before they died! Once again American democracy has showed us the way!”

Palin Reloads, Doubles Down

Commenting on her Facebook page, following the massacre in Tucson, AZ over the weekend, failed Governor Sarah Palin reacted angrily to growing media attention about her “crosshairs” list of Democrat incumbents to target for removal. “I wish the gosh darn lame stream media would get off my case, she wrote. Also too I would like to point out the way they got it all wrong. If you look at my Crosshairs Chart you can plainly see that I zeroed in squarely on Representative Giffords’  back, not her head. And so this looney toon who began shootin’ ya know, he put one in her head, not her back, so it’s obvious it had nothing to do at all with my chart. And just cause I said on the chart that the socialist Democrats are ‘targeted for removal’, some dumb bunny on MSNBC said I was inviting people to violence. Where all do they get this stuff is what I want to know. In addition moreover as well, the very idea that my statement, “don’t retreat–reload” was some kinda ..ya know… reference or whatever to guns and shootin’, well I gotta say that anybody who believes that would just as likely go and put lipstick on a pitbull. Case closed is all I’m sayin’.

112th Congress Shows Off Its Weeping Orange Boner

At noon this past Wednesday, the 112^th Congress began with audible weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not from the Democrats, who were circumspect about their midterm losses in the 2010 election, but from the new Speaker, John Boehner (pronounced Boner) who accepted the ceremonial clown gavel from outgoing Speaker, Nancy Pelosi.

“I’m proud to accept this award, said Boehner, choking up as he gripped the iconic mallet, and I want to thank all those who made it possible for me to stand here today.” At this point Boehner broke down completely, tears streaming down his orange tinted cheeks. Most of the House members took the spectacle in stride, having been a captive audience to Mr. Boehner’s emotional outbursts for years, but the incoming freshmen, appeared stunned. “I haven’t seen blubbering like that since the Wizard of Oz”, said Republican Daniel Webster of Florida, recalling the emotional outpouring of the Cowardly Lion in the 1939 movie classic. “Remember when Dorothy got all up in his grille?”.   Rick Berg, newly elected representative from North Dakota chimed in. “If that guy was the Tin Man we’d have to spend our first day in Congress spritzing him with an oil can.”

Briefly regaining control of his emotions, the new Speaker began laying out the agenda for Republican controlled House of Representatives in 2011. “First thing we’re gonna do is read the Constitution out loud, something I haven’t heard since my 9th grade civics class when Mrs Woescher made us get up in front of the room and take turns.  I remember how nervous I was and that lady….. that wonderful….. lady, held me to her bosom…. and …. and….”

“Again with the waterworks?”  Jeff Duncan of South Carolina disgustedly loosened his tie. “If we don’t get some intervention from the Wizard we’ll never get around to impeaching that darky in the white house.”