Anti-Masturbation Tea Party Candidate Wins in Delaware
Michael Steele, the Republican National Committee Chairman awoke this morning feeling as though he had been bitch slapped. And indeed he had. Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell, who ran on a campaign of “self abstinence” thoroughly trounced nine term Republican Senator Mike Castle in the race to determine who will represent the GOP in the upcoming midterm election.
With no political experience and entirely unencumbered by the thought process, Ms O’Donnell managed to capture the limited imagination of the corporately funded Tea Party crowd by rejecting all forms of sex except that “in which the married daddy climbs onto the married mommy face to face and uses his thingy to make babies”.
For the last two months, TP candidate O’Donnell (that’s Tea Party, not toilet paper) has been criss crossing Delaware giving slide shows of every conceivable sexual act and denouncing all of them. Except for the aforementioned baby maker boogie. At the climax of the vote last night, O’Donnell good naturedly poked fun at her opponent, opining that he must have been “spit shining the old water pump” rather than campaigning for the last few weeks. “Just because the good Lord gave us two hands and a naughty part within reach, doesn’t mean we should be choking the chicken at every opportunity, she said.” O’Donnell is well known among Delaware school boards as a vocal champion for what she calls teenage genital liberation.
“Too many teens are on the wrong road to Hell, O’Donnell would usually say at the beginning of one of her long winded rants at PTA meetings. “I’m totally disgusted by what I’ve seen while slinking around the neighborhood in the dead of night with my night vision goggles. Seems like every time I peer into the bedroom of a teenage boy I find him bopping his baloney, and heavens, that’s simply the murder of millions of defenseless sperm that should have been squirted into the cooter of a married mommy. I urge all parents everywhere to visually inspect the genitals of their hot blooded teens for evidence of self abuse. Daddies should not feel self concious about ripping aside that shower curtain, if it means catching a 16 year old daughter in the full flower of her womanhood, using that pulsating shower head on her muff puppet”.
Asked at her victory rally whether she had any plans for the country if she were to win the Delaware senate seat this November O’Donnell said, “The priorities of this administration are all wrong. Forget jobs, forget Iran, forget global warming… what we need to do is make masturbation a federal crime. Take genitals out of the hands of their owners and put them under the control of Jesus like it says in the bible. There are too many whack jobs in Congress right now; the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing, and I’ve set my sights on American sexuality and my Defense of Genitals Act. I’d have to be bat shit crazy to do otherwise, wouldn’t you agree?”
Burn Korans for Jesus says Unstable Pastor
The Dove World Outreach Church of Gainsville, Florida is in the news this week, with the announcement that on Saturday, September 11, there will be a public burning spectacle on the church’s front lawn. Pastor Terry Jones, interviewed on Fox News, said that he and his flock had just discovered fire and were eager to share this find with the rest of the world. “It just come to me in a dream, said Jones, the Lord God walked into my bedroom and real magical like set the bedsheets to flaming up by means of a cigarette. I took this as a sign from Him that I should go forth and use this new knowledge to put our soldiers at risk all over the world. I knew He wanted me to direct hate at ALL our men in uniform, not just the fags like Brother Phelps over at God Hates Fags.”
“So I asked myself what would bring down the wrath of God on the most soldiers, marines and sailors and it come to me while I was writing up a patent for the discovery of fire…. burn up a whole shitload of that Mooselum holy book! Look how crazy them sand monkeys got when the rumor got started about a KO-ran being flushed down the toilet out at Gitmo. With the help of Jesus Christ I’ll be bringing the wrath of 1.57 billion Mooselums to bear against our brave men overseas. You’ll notice I said MEN; I don’t count the women who should be home with a baby on each teat instead of runnin’ around shooting guns off. Anyway, come on down to Gainsville this Saturday and watch us unleash FIRE on a wheelbarrow full of KO-rans. And don’t be trying to steal my patent on wheelbarrows neither unless your underwear is made of asbestos!”