Paris Hilton: That’s Not My Cocaine

Paris Hilton being busted by the cops? Not news. Found in possession of cocaine? That’s not news either. What makes her latest go around with the law interesting is Ms Hilton’s novel defense. “That’s not my coke,” she was heard to say when she opened her purse and a bindle filled with white powder fluttered to the ground along with the contents of her purse. She had been one of several people involved what is called a roadside “clambake”. Las Vegas Police Sergeant Ned Selfs explained that a clambake is where marijuana is smoked furiously to the point where the interior of a vehicle comes to resemble a Native American sweat lodge, with each of the vehicle occupants attempting to inhale all the available smoke. It was the smoke billowing from the Cadillac Escalade parked on Las Vegas Blvd that initially drew the attention of the local police. Sergeant Selfs said that the first officer on the scene thought Cheech and Chong might be inside reenacting a role from one of their pot inspired movies. Instead what he found was a “carload of bored rich people”. Once asked to exit the vehicle, Ms Hilton had first opened her bag and extracted a battery powered fan in an apparent attempt to dispel the gathered fog of pot. “That’s not my smoke,” she told the officer, as she slid across the seat of the Cadillac, riding her skirt up to her belly button. Aware that she had exposed more of her exquisite body than a common policeman had any right to see, she next disowned her private parts. “That’s not my cooter,” she said, apparently remembering that her panties were at home in her underwear drawer. When asked to provide identification, Ms Hilton opened her purse while it was upside down and the contents dumped onto the sidewalk. “This isn’t my purse, she said, “mine opens from the top.” It was at this moment that she noticed the bindle among the fallen objects and stated that the cocaine wasn’t hers. “I borrowed this purse and I thought that bindle thingy was a stick of gum, and anyway it was probably planted there by someone who uses cocaine.” She went on to say that “everyone knows I don’t use cocaine. Just ask Lindsay Lohan when she gets out of rehab.”

“I Have to Scream” Speech Draws Obese Crowd in DC

Speaking before a crowd whose total estimated weight ranged between 95 and 850 tons, self proclaimed master of gibberish, Glenn Beck, exhorted his followers to seize the day, take back America and get going when the going gets tough. The much awaited “I Have to Scream” speech coincidentally took place on the 47^th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s famous oratory, and as luck would have it, occurred at the same spot and time. Even Mr. Beck noticed the seeming parallels to the speech delivered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial decades ago, but took pains to point out that he was standing on a different step at the memorial than that of Dr. King. “I’m also wearing a bullet proof vest, he explained, and that’s something King was too cowardly to do.”

“As I look out at this crowd that’s 99.999% white I can’t help feeling that race has something to do with my popularity, although I officially scoff at the notion. After all, I have nothing against the Mud People. They can’t help being inferior, and I can’t help reminding them of it, day after day after day. Even President Obama, a Mud Person himself, has to admit that his shortcomings are legion. If they weren’t Fox News couldn’t keep talking about them.”

“But I’m not here to divide the nation into two warring factions, rather I’m here to take advantage of the fact that it’s already been done. My father always told me, ‘blessed are the meek under the heel of the jack boot’ and in my heart I know he was right. And you know he was right. And when I say ‘my father’ you know that I’m channeling the divine spirit here, in whose name I pray. For when this great nation was forged on a crucible of righteous holy spirit, they said we are Christians who stand on this hallowed ground for the germination of all who went before and lived to tell about it. And in God’s name, who can argue with that?” Amen.

Muslim Gun Store Opens in Virginia

Residents in Alabaster, Virginia were out in huge numbers today protesting the opening of the first Muslim gun store, “Guns of the Prophet”, in the downtown’s business section, located directly across from the local VFW hall. Called on the carpet to explain how this could have happened, Alabaster’s City Manager said that he had been as surprised as anyone else to discover that the city’s business permits had no check off box to specify the religion of the prospective business owner. Reached at his office for comment, City Manager Burt Bloehaard said that the whole planning department had been blindsided. “Who would have expected a Moooslum to openly apply for a permit? We had everything in place to block “those people” if we caught them trying to sneak in a mosque or daycare center, but hell’s bells, this guy didn’t even have the courtesy to lie on his application.”

Aalim Mustafi, owner of Guns of the Prophet, was matter of fact about his venture. “We have learned by bitter experience that America’s First Amendmennt which guarantees freedom of religion can be modified,  abridged or even ignored to suit the purposes of bigots and wing nuts. Thus, I arrived at the decision to move on to America’s Second Amendment, which even the most virulent Nazi skinheads, racist militias and Glenn Beck support. What could be more American than a gun store? Naturally, we will sell weapons to those of all faiths and bless each firearm in the name of the Prophet Mohammed, peace be upon him, before it is delivered into the hands of the buyer.”

Alabaster City Attorney, Seafus Mellanworth, was at a loss as to what recourse the city had at this point. “Not only did the owner apply for and receive all the necessary permits, we can’t even nail him with a zoning violation, because the previous business in that building was a gun store as well. I understand it closed down when the owner went to prison for shooting homos.”

Oil Discovered at Ground Zero

ExxonMobil and Republican leaders in Congress held an unprecedented joint news conference this morning to announce the discovery of a gigantic pool of oil below the area known as Ground Zero in downtown Manhattan.

House leader John Boehner linked arms with ExxonMobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson in a symbolic gesture of unity as reporters gathered around the podium.

“We have called you here today to this hallowed ground to announce plans to exploit one of the largest finds of petroleum in history right here under our feet, said Boehner (pronounced Boner), his spray tanned face glistening in the noon day sun. “I think we can all agree that nothing could be more of a fitting tribute to 9/11 and our fallen friends and neighbors than to erect a gargantuan oil derrick in the shadow of what once was the World Trade Center.”

A reporter from the Washington Post spoke up. “Representative Boehner, just last week you were calling the idea of a Musim cultural center going up two blocks from here ‘sacrilege’ and ‘shocking’ and characterizing the proponents of it as ‘disrespectful’ to the memory of those who died here…..”

The congressman bristled at the reporter’s unseemly attack. “There’s a big difference between drilling for oil in sacred ground and letting Muslim children play basketball two blocks away, I think we can all agree on that point.

We of the GOP have always taken the high ground on what’s sacred, and believe me, this well is going to pump billions of sacred dollars into our campaign this November. You want to talk sacred? Let me remind you of our stand on traditional marriage, which Rush Limbaugh and Jesus define as a holy trinity of sanctity between one man and one woman. It is our belief that any marriage should stand the test of time forever and ever or at least eighteen months, and as proof I need only point to Newt Gingrich and Rudy Giuliani. Here you have two stalwart Republicans, who have  demonstrated with their combined dozen or so marriages, that being married to one woman can be pretty dull, but still last eighteen months, give or take. But I digress. As Forrest Gump once said, ‘stupid is as stupid does’ and to not drill in this sacred ground would be stupid. And unpatriotic. I mean, look around…. 9/11 was what ….. nine years ago? And Ground Zero is still just a big hole in the ground. Who can make money from a hole in the ground? Will, okay, a gold miner could…. but we’re talking oil here, so stop trying to change the subject. When this well starts a-pumping at full speed you’re gonna see Manhattan swimming in the stuff, and look what that did for New Orleans. ExxonMobil will load it up into ships offshore and sell it to China, thereby allowing them to produce more crap for Wal-Mart for which they’ll need more workers. And I say to you that in this country, any American has the God given right to move to China and apply for those jobs. So I say, drill baby, drill!”

US District Court Upholds Crazy Hate Speech

Chanting their well known tag line of “God Hates Fags”, members of Kansas based Westboro Baptist Church, burst into cheers upon hearing that a Missouri law prohibiting their disruption of U.S. Soldiers’ funerals had been struck down as unconstitutional. U.S. District Judge Fernando Gaitan ruled yesterday that Missouri’s attempt to allow grieving family and friends a quiet, dignified funeral for their fallen warriors was a slap in the face to those who wish to channel their hate via religious means. Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro church and accused child abuser, hailed the ruling as just and profound. “At last a little reason and sanity have prevailed, said Phelps, in a country where faggotry and idolatry have trumped all over the rights of His people to preach against our sodomite soldiers dying from Satan’s bullets and slings in the heart of lust and devouring Krispy Kreme doughnuts, in Jesus name I pray.”

Justin Meeks, attorney for parents Myron and Sylvia Chelsea, said that all his clients had asked for was a chance to lay their son to rest without interference by Phelps’ picketers, who shouted down the priest delivering a graveside benediction. Peter Chelsea, 24, had been killed in Afghanistan, while fending off Taliban attackers determined to burn down a girls’ school in Fayan Province with the girls still inside.

“They used bullhorns to scream obscenities at the gravesite, said Mrs. Chelsea, they called Peter a ‘worthless maggot of filth who died because he hadn’t worshipped the right way’. They held up a sign saying, ‘Thank God for Dead Soldiers’ and exposed themselves while doing some kind of weird dance.”

Asked about the Chelseas’ comments Reverend Phelps denounced the soldiers’ parents as “scum sucking defenders of homosexual eroticism”, before dropping his pants to reveal a panoramic tattoo on his buttocks depicting an outhouse and a banner stating, “This way to the glory hole of redemption.” Phelps said now that his constitutional right to hate had been upheld in court, his flock would descend on Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to denounce the “fag signers of the Declaration of Independence” and to urinate on the Liberty Bell as called for in his own hand written version of the Bible.

Muslims Protest Christian Center at Their Ground Zero

 

Muslims in Iraq are taking to the streets to protest the opening of a huge Christian church in Baghdad, the Ground Zero of America’s “shock and awe” campaign launched on March 19, 2003. On that day, thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians were slaughtered when America’s George W. Bush decided to punish Iraq for Saudi Arabia’s 9/11 attack on New York City (most of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudis). “We couldn’t very well go after the Saudi’s, Bush said at the time, “where would we get the oil we need to preserve the American way of life? Yet America’s citizens are demanding we kick some Muslim ass and there’s nothing left in Afghanistan to blow up. So God told me to invade Iraq and there you go.”

Standing in the footprint of what once was a gigantic palace belonging to Saddam Hussein, the American facility is the only building project in Iraq that’s on-time and on-budget at $592 million (probably because Halliburton didn’t build it). Aside from providing areas for the worship of Jesus and his dad, the Christian center, also called the American Embassy, sits on an area the size of 80 football fields and comprises 21 buildings on its 104 acres. It contains offices for 8,000 US staff workers, boasts the largest swimming pool in the country, a well equipped gym, tennis courts, movie theaters and a huge nightclub for evening social functions. Unlike the surrounding area of downton Baghdad that has no clean water or electricity, the Christian center has its own water treatment plant and a fleet of generators to provide the electricity needed to run the KFC restaurant, the Taco Bell, the McDonald’s and the Wal-Mart size Christian book store on its enclosed air conditioned mall.

Noted Muslim scholar Nehprahim Sistani, the leader of the protest movement, points out that the Islamic center being built several blocks from New York City’s Ground Zero is welcoming of New Yorkers of all faiths. He added that all the permits needed for the construction of the facility were obtained from the city’s planning department, while the monstrosity the Americans built in Baghdad was built without any input from Iraqi citizens and went up despite their many objections. He went on to point out that no Iraqis will be allowed inside the Christian facility unless they first submit to a body cavity search and leave all Islamic artifacts in a bin at the entrance.