More Oil Spill Catastrophes Needed, says Beck
Glenn Beck went on the record today, officially acknowleding the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “It’s big, said Beck, bigger than the island of Rhode Island. Bigger than the state of Manhattan and possibly even bigger than Rush Limbaugh’s personal putting green.” He pointed to a chalk outline resembling the Blob. “The Senate has been holding hearings to determine who’s at fault for this mishap; BP says it’s Transoceanic who says it’s Halliburton which blames the whole mess on Obama and a backed up toilet in the West Wing of the White House. Personally, I don’t care whose fault it is. In fact, let’s forget about laying blame at anybody’s doorstep. Instead, let’s embrace this disaster and do what Socrates said back in the days of yore: if life gives you lemons, make them pay. See where I’m going here? All this whining and griping about millions of barrels of oil spewing into the pristine waters of the Gulf: ‘it will ruin tourism’, ‘it will decimate the fishing industry’……. forget about all of that! Tourists and fish going off to find unspoiled areas…. that’s what the problem is, not the oil.
Know what I say? Drill baby drill and then drill some more! Let’s not clean up the beaches in Louisianna, let’s don’t save the beaches in Corpus Christi, just let ‘em go under! Drill off San Diego, drill off Santa Barbara; we don’t need fewer oil spills, we need more! Instead of waiting for another disaster to contaminate the shores in Alaska’s Prince William Sound again, let’s create a man made continental disaster! Here’s my point: if all the beaches in all the states, Atlantic and Pacific and other places too are slimey, gooey tar beds, where are your tourists and fish gonna run to? There’s nowhere to hide, baby…. every beach is a stinking oily mass. You can sink up to your ankles in crude along the salt marshes off New Orleans or spend the day picking tar balls out of your butt crack in Tampa Bay. Either way you can forget about getting sand between your toes….. those days are gone forever. No point in bailing out a sinking boat if all the other boats are sinking right along with it, right? When all the beaches and oceans are equally total crap we won’t be bothered with tourists or with fish either for that matter. And just think about the economic angle for America: by drilling in every conceivable location, instead of having just 2 percent of the global oil reserves we’ll have 3 percent! Put that down your blow hole and smoke it, Greenpeace!”
Illegal Immigrant Problem Solved!
With all the frenetic ranting and raving about the ongoing problem of illegal immigration in the US the obvious answer has been overlooked. Much has been made about the number of illegals here, estimated to be around 13 million, most of them Mexican. The prospect of somehow deporting these millions has been pretty much shelved, even by the most virulent conservatives. Not because they wouldn’t like to see it done, but because it would take too long and cost way too much money. Taxpayer anger has been directed at the illegals (as it always is during depressed economic times) as a huge drain on resources such as schools, hospitals and prisons. The immigration debate has become something of the old chestnut that “everybody talks about the weather but no one does anything about it”. Well, at last we can do something about it. The answer has been revealed and it comes from the most unlikely backwater of the debate. Governor Rick Perry of Texas unwittingly stumbled across the solution while dreaming up his plan for his state to secede from the union. While seceding is an excellent idea, it doesn’t go far enough. What is needed is for Texas to form the third leg of the new American triad. We already have Blue states and Red states, but all this has done is to divide the country into two increasingly antagonistic factions. We need another color to add to the political rainbow in this nation. We need a Brown state. We need “Mexas”.
Think about it: all illegals would be granted immediate Mexas citizenship the minute they drove through the gates of the barricaded nation state that used to be Texas. Thirteen million is not a huge number when compared to states like California or New York and there would be ample room once all the white residents had been deported to Red and Blue states. Under the Red, White and Brown Mandate, the citizens of Mexas would be issued ID cards good anywhere in the Continental US. These cards would by statute deny medical care, driver licenses, education and Fourth Amendment rights, but would allow employment outside of Mexas ,as long as the salaries earned were no more than 65% of the Federal minimum wage. This would allow US corporations access to plenty of exploitable labor while at the same time removing from the debate the argument that illegals take Americans’ jobs, since only brown skinned workers could be legally hired for such work as picking strawberries and gutting chickens at Tyson poultry plants.
Those Mexas-icans who decided they needed medical treatment or education would have to return to their new home state to get it. Taxes from the rest of America would be restricted to paying for upkeep of the barbed wire around Mexas and bus transportation for the Mexas residents to get to and from their jobs in Red and Blue America. And what of the children born of illegals , who up to now have been granted automatic citizenship? Naturally, for the new laws to work, the 14th Amendment would have to be repealed and US citizenship revoked from these folks. Sorry kids, but some minor inconveniences will have to be put up with by those who chose the wrong time and place to be born. Now, admittedly, there may be some initial confusion in sorting out the legal Brown Skins from the illegal all over America, but at this very moment Congress is working on legislation to develop a biometric identification card for all Hispanic looking citizens. Until then, the Arizona Highway Patrol has volunteered to handle the stop and question duties in determining who’s who in the zoo, based on reasonable suspicion.