In an unprecedented move by the Vatican amid the burgeoning priest sex scandals, Pope Benedict agreed to be interviewed on Fox News following his Easter Mass spiel on Sunday.
Sitting down with commentator Juan Williams, Pope Benedict indicated that he was ready to be lobbed a series of softball questions by the conservative interviewer.
Fox: Thank you your Holiness for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.
Pope: Its-a no bigga deal.
Fox: Why the Italian accent? I thought you were German.
Pope: You gotta go with the flow. Vatican’s inna Rome, Rome she’s a right smack in the middle of Italy. People expect it.
Fox: There has been a lot in the news these past weeks about sex scandals involving Catholic priests sodomizing young boys and the Church higher ups who have shielded them from prosecution. So I have to ask you, why does the media hate priests?
Pope: I think it-a all goes back to those meatless Fridays. Everybody thinking, Friday again already? And they-a wishing there were better tasting frozen fish sticks.
Fox: Right, right…. I remember having those crappy fish sticks with gooey macaroni and cheese in school. It really sucked. But Pope….. can I just call you Bennie?
Pope: Oh sure, sure.
Fox: So Bennie, why do so many children all over the world make up these horrific tales of sex abuse? You wouldn’t think that a 7 or 9 year old child would even know terms like blow job, cornhole and rusty trombone.
Pope: Its-a because of the secularism today. Inna the old days a priest might-a you know…. accidentally find his finger in an alter boy’s anus and the boy gonna shrug it off…. accidents happen. But these-a days! A boy come home from a sleepover at the rectory with rope burns on his-a wrists and a gob of lubricant in his underpants and right away he gotta make up a bunch of nonsense about how Father Whatever can’t keep it in his vestments.
Fox: So is there a worldwide conspiracy among pre-pubescent children to bring down the Catholic Church?
Pope: Absolutely. You ask any ten boys attending-a Catholic school if they ever seen their priest’s Holy Salami and at least-a half are gonna bust out crying and a carrying on about sweaty sex games in the confessional. If that isn’t proof of a conspiracy I don’t know what is.
Fox: Some of these kids are grown up now and still insist on lying about past abuse by priests, some of whom have been dead for years.
Pope: See, that’s a-what I mean. These kids today they gotta no respect. Eighty or ninety of them make uppa stories about a priest, so we gotta move the guy from parish to parish. Anda no sooner he gets unpacked and wham! Another bunch of boys starts-a spouting the same terrible stories with the same details as in the last parish.
Fox: So….. same priest…. new parish……different boys…… but the same descriptions of abuse over and over again. You’d think the Vatican would sue their parents!
Pope: It’s-a been discussed, but we’re willing to forgive and forget like we been-a doing for the last thousand years.