Texas to Secede and Become Glenbeckistan
Texas Governor, Rick Perry, announced today the formation of a committee to investigate the feasibility of his state seceding from the union and becoming a self sustaining country within the borders of the Continental United States.
“We Texans were always a stand alone crowd. We were standing together but alone before we were a state, and unlike other states we got only one star on the U.S. Flag. That’s why we’re called the Lone Star State. The Mexicans tried to take our land, but when they invaded, we built the Alamo and kicked their tortilla eating asses. After that we captured Santa Ana, their commanding general and shipped him to California where they named a freeway after him. But I’m getting ahead of myself historically.
Our plan is to secede from the United States and become a separate country called Glenbeckistan where all the patriots stand together alone. That federal constitution with all its bothersome amendments will be null and void. We will no longer pay taxes to the federal government, in fact there will BE no taxes. In Glenbeckistan everybody will build their own hospitals, sewage plants, and toll roads. You build a hospital and then charge admission to get in. You build a toll road and then collect from everybody who wants to use it. In Glenbeckistan we’ll have an all volunteer police force and fire department. There won’t be much crime since we’re keeping out undesirables like blacks, Mexicans, Hawaiians, liberals, homosexuals and orientals. We’ll be a Christian nation just like the United States used to be. Our law will be the Holy Bible and we will smite anyone who violates the Commandments as interpreted by the Lone Star Holy Inquisition.
Some have said that in Glenbeckistan women will be downtrodden and discriminated against. Nothing could be further from the truth. Naturally, women won’t be seen much. It’s unlikely their husbands will let them drive cars and such, and when they do go outside they’ll have to be covered appropriately so’s their naughty parts aren’t inviting lust. The Moose-lums at least got that part right. In Glenbeckistan women will concenrate on fulfilling their God given role as servants and breeders and let the men decide what’s best for them.
Prayer will naturally be mandatory. All over Glenbeckistan church bells will ring when it’s time to face west (away from Washington, DC) and pray to the Holy Father. Faiths other than Christianity will, of course, be tolerated, but their houses of worship will be burned to the ground, the church members sent to re-education camps and their assets seized. Oh, and it goes without saying that they won’t be permitted to reproduce, but other than that, anything goes.
Morality on the streets of Glenbeckistan will be enforced by the Loyal Order of Holy Rednex whose job it will be to ensure that the sexes are properly separated, improper books removed from shelves, immoral movie houses shut down, and that women are always accompanied by husbands or male relatives.
Schools will be encouraged to teach proper world history and science (Bible and Creationism) but differing points of view are always encouraged. Just kidding!
Healthcare will be provided as needed: if you can’t afford it, you don’t need it.
As you might guess, we’re not too worried about illegals trying to sneak into Glenbeckistan, but we may need some pretty tall fences to keep folks from escaping.
Revamped Nuclear Stance Outrages Pundits
Suddenly, healthcare reform has been shunted to the back of the congressional coat closet. Something bigger looms on the horizon in the form of a mushroom cloud (or lack thereof). Pundits on the Right are angrily denouncing President Obama’s outline of a new policy concerning the use of nuclear weapons by the United States, that is a stark departure from the previous president’s “ready-fire-aim” policy, put in place following the attack on America in 2001 by Saudi Arabia.
“I can’t for the life of me figure this guy out, said Glenn Beck, scribbling on his blackboard, “we bend over backwards to welcome Obama as our first darkie president and all he does is propose extinction for the country he says he loves.” Beck draws a line across the board dividing it into sectors. “Here’s where he runs up a trillion dollar deficit in 2003, going to war and cutting taxes at the same time, something never done before by any country anywhere in the history of the world. Remember how he told us the Iraq war would last at most six months? And here we are in year eight, my friends. He ignored warnings by his own state department and got us into this mess with no exit strategy. He privatized essential services and let contractors like Halliburton and Blackwater rape the taxpayers with hundreds of billions lost in fraud and waste.” Beck draws a large zero and a question mark. “Then he proposes privatizing Social Security. Can you imagine what would have happened to our senior citizens if he had succeeded and then along comes the Obama Depression of 2007?” Beck scribbles “E=MC2″ next to the zero. “And then he invents TARP, which stands for ‘Trash All Republican Policies,’ and gives $700 billion to the very banks that gambled and lost on the housing markets. And now he wants to gut our nuclear weapons arsenal”. A fish is now drawn next to the zero with the question mark. “Well I have a question for our socialist, marxist, communist, facist, ultra Left, omniverous Commander-In-Chief. Do you realize, sir, that by cutting our nuke stockpiles by a third we’ll be lucky to retain enough explosive power to blow up the planet any more than 35 times? The Russians could easily turn the earth into a glowing cinder 40 or even 50 times over. Where is our credible deterrent? What are we supposed to do if Iran makes good on its threat to exterminate all life on the moon?” Beck draws a happy face and replaces the eyes with X’s. “What if the Soviet Union launches a pre-emptive strike on Kenya? I’ll bet that would get your attention Mister Change We Can Believe In.” Beck rakes his nails across the chalkboard. “That’s the sound of of patriots everywhere marching on Washington with their cold dead fingers on the triggers of their God given guns to peacefully shoot out the windows of the abortion clinic on the south lawn of the White House! You have been warned.” Beck wipes his hands on his trousers. “And now a word about buying gold…….”
Pope Consents to Fox News Interview
In an unprecedented move by the Vatican amid the burgeoning priest sex scandals, Pope Benedict agreed to be interviewed on Fox News following his Easter Mass spiel on Sunday.
Sitting down with commentator Juan Williams, Pope Benedict indicated that he was ready to be lobbed a series of softball questions by the conservative interviewer.
Fox: Thank you your Holiness for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us today.
Pope: Its-a no bigga deal.
Fox: Why the Italian accent? I thought you were German.
Pope: You gotta go with the flow. Vatican’s inna Rome, Rome she’s a right smack in the middle of Italy. People expect it.
Fox: There has been a lot in the news these past weeks about sex scandals involving Catholic priests sodomizing young boys and the Church higher ups who have shielded them from prosecution. So I have to ask you, why does the media hate priests?
Pope: I think it-a all goes back to those meatless Fridays. Everybody thinking, Friday again already? And they-a wishing there were better tasting frozen fish sticks.
Fox: Right, right…. I remember having those crappy fish sticks with gooey macaroni and cheese in school. It really sucked. But Pope….. can I just call you Bennie?
Pope: Oh sure, sure.
Fox: So Bennie, why do so many children all over the world make up these horrific tales of sex abuse? You wouldn’t think that a 7 or 9 year old child would even know terms like blow job, cornhole and rusty trombone.
Pope: Its-a because of the secularism today. Inna the old days a priest might-a you know…. accidentally find his finger in an alter boy’s anus and the boy gonna shrug it off…. accidents happen. But these-a days! A boy come home from a sleepover at the rectory with rope burns on his-a wrists and a gob of lubricant in his underpants and right away he gotta make up a bunch of nonsense about how Father Whatever can’t keep it in his vestments.
Fox: So is there a worldwide conspiracy among pre-pubescent children to bring down the Catholic Church?
Pope: Absolutely. You ask any ten boys attending-a Catholic school if they ever seen their priest’s Holy Salami and at least-a half are gonna bust out crying and a carrying on about sweaty sex games in the confessional. If that isn’t proof of a conspiracy I don’t know what is.
Fox: Some of these kids are grown up now and still insist on lying about past abuse by priests, some of whom have been dead for years.
Pope: See, that’s a-what I mean. These kids today they gotta no respect. Eighty or ninety of them make uppa stories about a priest, so we gotta move the guy from parish to parish. Anda no sooner he gets unpacked and wham! Another bunch of boys starts-a spouting the same terrible stories with the same details as in the last parish.
Fox: So….. same priest…. new parish……different boys…… but the same descriptions of abuse over and over again. You’d think the Vatican would sue their parents!
Pope: It’s-a been discussed, but we’re willing to forgive and forget like we been-a doing for the last thousand years.