Back to the Moon for Clean Up

NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, announced Wednesday a plan to return to the moon despite severe budget cuts to his agency. “President Obama’s freeze on discretionary spending has certainly caused some consternation over here, said Bolden speaking at Goodall High School during a science award ceremony. “Right out of the gate the naysayers were opining that any chance of returning to the moon in the next 20 years has gone down in flames. Not so. Going over the books on past missions we discovered that back in 1969, the astronauts of Apollo 11 left behind a big stinky bag of human waste on the Sea of Tranquility when they blasted off. It’s kind of embarrassing, really. I mean what message are we sending? Right next to that ornate plaque saying, ‘We came in peace for all mankind’, is a bag of Neil Armstrong’s shit. What I’ve proposed is that we either send a mission to amend the plaque to read, ‘We came in peace for all mankind, watch where you step’, or we retrieve the bag of poo. It might conceivably prevent a war of the worlds; can you imagine the ramifications if some alien race were to land on the moon and step in that pile? I’m calling on Congress to do the right thing.”

Democracy Going Out of Business Sale

Speaking before a room packed with reporters and legal scholars, Chief Justice John Roberts sought to give some perspective to the 5-4 decision of January 22 which some had claimed was the most stunning judicial upset since the Dredd Scott decision of 1857.

“I must say I’m rather surprised that you’re surprised, said the young Chief Justice, smiling. “If you pour gasoline on yourself and light a match, you’re going to get burned. If you tattoo a swashtika on your forehead, you’re going to be mistaken for a Nazi. And if you appoint corporate sucklings to the Supreme Court, you’re going to be sorry.” Still smiling, the boyish jurist went on, “Did anyone really expect a different outcome in this case? Everyone knows how we, and when I say ‘we’ I mean of course, the red meat right wingers on the bench… how we feel about corporations. For far too long the capitalists of this great nation have been hobbled by restrictions that frankly give away the store to the workers while adhering to unfair environmental laws that put the U.S at a disadvantage. And then on top of that, our billionaire industrialists are expected to pay taxes? Not on my watch, folks.”

Roberts went on to describe the New Contract With America as developed by the GOP to be rubber stamped by the Supreme Court. “There has been speculation that we might do away with child labor laws, he said, and that’s utter nonsense. From now on children must work, that’s the law. But we’re protecting the little nippers by putting in the Dawn to Dusk rule which stipulates that no children under eight years of age will be required to work more than 12 hours a day unless there are exigent circumstances. If say, one of the little tykes is crushed into hamburger while on the job, the kid next to him would be required to pick up the slack”.

Roberts paused while Blackwater operatives forcibly removed a lawyer from Columbia University who looked like she was about to pose a question.

“Workplace safety rules will still be in effect, but will now focus on protecting the profits of the corporation rather than the fingers and toes of the workers. The forty hour work week is, of course, out the window as is paid overtime. Vacations? Don’t need ‘em, don’t want ‘em. Unions? Don’t make me laugh. Environmental laws? Our position is that if the rank and file Chinese and Mexicans don’t need clean water, then American workers don’t either. National parks? With everyone working 52 weeks a year, who will have the time to visit them. Besides, they are literal gold mines and oil fields just waiting to be exploited.”

A shouted question from the audience was taken up by Roberts even as the shout-ee was clubbed to the ground. “Someone asked how all these laws could possibly be enacted in a democracy such as ours, and the answer is simple: Congress is now legally bought and paid for. Senators and Representatives who go along with what we Supremes call “The Rubber Stamp Act” will be kept on to do the Lord’s work. The rest will be flushed down the toilet of history. We’re currently negotiating a purchase price for the next president, and my goodness she is a fighter…. a pitbull with lipstick some would say. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the New Age.”

Paranormal Activity?

I’m still kicking myself for the fee I paid at Hollywood Video for renting this snooze fest. There was a homeless guy outside the place who could have made better use of the money, even if he was going to spend it on Thunderbird Wine. Having seen the ads on TV where the audience viewing the movie seemingly gasps in horror, I had high hopes for this one. Alas, it was not to be. My right hand began itching for the remote control about 20 minutes into the film (driven perhaps by spirits?). Oh how I longed to fast forward as the protagonists went about their exceedingly boring activities, yet I resisted (restrained perhaps by some evil entity?) For those who don’t already know, the action of the story takes place in the bedroom of this unmarried couple, Katie and Micah. (The last time I encountered a dude named Micah, he was the sheriff in the TV series The Rifleman, which should have forewarned me….. precognition or happenstance?)

When I say “action”, I refer of course to non sexual activities occurring on bedsheets that go unwashed throughout the 21 days of the experiment. What experiment you ask? You’ll be sorry you asked. Well, see this Katie person has had a malevolent entity hot for her bod since she was a pre-teen. Doesn’t matter how many times she packs up and moves, the entity stays with her like a case of genital herpes. Anyway, Katie starts shacking up with Micah who has this really cool house in suburbia, which as far as we know, isn’t located on the site of some ancient graveyard. Katie has told Micah about Earl (a name I’ve given the Entity so I don’t have to keep typing “entity”). Micah is really impressed. “Geeze, he says at one point, how come I don’t have an entity hot for MY ass?” I’m kidding. He doesn’t say that. What he does say is that this would be a marvelous opportunity to catch some “paranormal activity” on video tape. See where we’re headed here? Despite dire warnings that paranormal critters are especially cranky about being captured on tape, Micah moves ahead with his project, carrying his excessively large and cumbersome video camera (and the audience) into every conceivable nook and cranny in the house. Except the bathroom when Katie is taking a shower or a dump, which says to me that Micah knows nothing abut baiting sexually repressed paranormal entities. But I digress. Micah sets up the video camera on a tripod so that the couple’s constantly unmade bed stays in the foreground. Before long, things start to happen. When I say “before long” I’m stretching the truth. Actually quite a bit of time goes by but thankfully Micah takes pity on us and fast forwards the video tape showing a couple in the throes of non passion, night after night. At one point the sheets billow out on Micah’s side of the bed but based on Katie’s facial expression, this is attributed to bad digestion and excessive protein in Micah’s diet. Just kidding. But we do see the bedclothes flapping around which in the world of ghost hunters  is pretty terrifying.

One morning while the couple is watching a tape of the night before, we see the bedroom door move. Ohmygod! Micah immediately uncorks Katie’s expensive bath talc and sprinkles it all over the floor, because as everyone knows, any paranormal who is stupid enough to get caught doing stuff on video is also stupid enough to fall for the old talc-on-the-floor routine. And he does, the very next night! Have Katie and Micah been saddled with a retarded entity or does it just act like one?

Time to call in a spirit expert. No, not a bartender, but a for real “paranormal researcher” who is invited to render an opinion. He patiently explains to the disappointed couple that while he is unsurpassed as an expert in certain spooky ghost stuff, he obviously doesn’t know jack about this type of spooky ghost stuff, implying that they are so dense they might take their Jeep to a maternity store for repairs. The only “demonologist” who can dispatch this entity, he says, is currently away on vacation (I’d sure like to hear the message on HIS answering machine: “I can’t get to the phone right now. If this is an emergency give the Pope a call”) Unable to shed light on the mysterious happenings chez Micah and Katie, the ghost hunter geek nevertheless can’t resist tossing out a chunk of wisdom ala Cliff Claven from Cheers: do not under any circumstances try to contact Earl using a Ouija board! Apparently this is like waving a pair of soiled panties under the nose of Tiger Woods and can only lead to unspeakable consequences. Can you guess what Micah does next? As Micah sets up the forbidden board, an agitated Katie waves her arms and growls at her paramour. Possession? No, she’s just upset that Micah doesn’t understand Earl’s motivation. Nor do we, for that matter, but perhaps this offers up an explanation of why Katie, who is rather busty, always wears a bra under her nightie. (Didn’t see that one coming did you?) Obviously she seeks to mitigate her allure to the lusty supernatural sasquatch haunting her existence.

As paranormals are wont to do, Earl stubbornly refuses to cooperate with Micah and his dime store Ouija board, apparently sitting in ghostland, arms folded, petulantly ignoring Micah’s taunts. Until the couple turns in for the night, that is, when Earl makes the board burst into flames, indicating that he is ready to try for second base with Katie.

As time goes by we see increasingly bizarre occurrences on the fast forwarded video tape: the door closes. And opens. And closes. At one point Katie, apparently sleepwalking, gets out of bed and stands looking at Micah for hours. Is she going to smack him with a pillow or do a seductive strip tease? Alas, neither occurs and it’s beginning to look like even Earl is getting bored with this do nothing couple. But wait…. now they find the charred Ouija board….. proof that whoever left footprints upstairs is smart enough to find the stairs leading to the first floor! This is getting serious! And look…. Katie is starting to get bruises. They summon the same geek who couldn’t help 15 minutes ago, and guess what? He still can’t help. And the only guy in the world who can is still on vacation. (Cruise in the Bermuda Triangle?)

By now Katie and Micah are so desperate that they keep doing what they’ve been doing all along: pissing off Earl the Entity and not putting their bed sheets through the wash cycle. As the 84 minute movie comes to its climax Micah meets his end amid extra loud thumping as he charges into a darkened hallway off the bedroom to save Katie who apparently wandered off looking for more bath talc. Suddenly Micah’s limp body is hurled at the video camera and Katie stalks out of the dark either possessed, sleepwalking or both. And we mortals are reminded that there are supernatural beings so powerful that they can cause fires, possess human beings, slam doors and flap bedsheets. But there’s not a thing they can do about being video taped. Unless they’re smarter than Earl.

World Religions Rage Against Upstart Cult

Muslim, Christian and Jewish leaders met Wednesday in Las Vegas to plot a strategy against the newest belief system sweeping the globe, which threatens to claw its way to the top of the heap in world religions. Known by its followers as “Mysteriooze”, this new religion has burst forth with unprecedented acceptance, mainly by young people, who see its teachings as superior and more relevant than anything currently available in the world wide smorgasbord of religious thought. At its base is the belief that the universe was born in the eruption of an especially impacted pimple on the backside of “Buddahhbing”, a bad tempered creature of unimaginable power possessing eight or more noodly tentacles and a seething hatred for circus clowns. According to Mysteriooze scripture, Buddahhbing made the earth 10,000 years ago as a repository for His feces and then created Man some 4,000 years later as caretakers for said waste products, when dinosaurs failed to meet His expectations. Brother Krank, an apostle of Buddahhbing, lashed out at the Las Vegas conferees, insisting that opposing the will of the Great One would only awaken the slumbering creature and incur His wrath. “Didn’t they learn anything from the Crusades,” asked Krank rhetorically, pointing out that Christians and Muslims fighting during the Crusades over who was most worthy to serve Buddahhbing was counterproductive. “We are all His janitors and he has equal contempt for each and every one of us. When we die we are all flushed down the Holy Crapper and only those judged to be worthy will be allowed to shovel sh*t for eternity in the afterlife”.

“The Earth is Flat”, says Fox News Newbie

Beginning her latest career, this time as a pundit on Fox News, ex-governor Sarah Palin wowed credulous Fox viewers Monday with her observation that the planet earth, long thought to be a sphere, is actually flat. “Magellan got it wrong, said Ms Palin in the opening moments of her monologue, “he may have invented the telescope and gravity, but he was definitely barking up the wrong tree when it came to gastronomy.” She noted that over 400 years ago the Catholic church hierarchy had pointed out Magellan’s error to him when he was hired to do a stand up act at one of the many festivals back there in the olden days, “but the guy  had a  stubborn streak  as wide as my daughter’s ass and argued with the Pope until he was wrestled to the ground by the palace guards. Even when threatened with circumcision, the worst thing that could happen to a Catholic in the days of yore, he stuck to his story. I mean, my goodness, he even insisted that our planet revolves around the sun instead of the opposite thing. So much for science, guys and gals!”

Palin went on to opine that if Magellan were alive today he would probably be spouting off about global warming and socialized medicine. At the conclusion of her diatribe, the newest addition to the Fox team pulled her top down a few inches, exposing some Alaskan cleavage. “The earth looks nothing like these fellers, it’s as flat as a rice paddy in West Korea”.