Carrie Prejean Gets Product Endorsement Spot

Carrie Prejean, failed Miss America-almost-winner and solo porn video star has outdone herself again. There were those who had doubts about the staying power of the would be celebrity after she sued herself for violating her own free speech rights on the Larry King Live program, but like a herpes sore that just won’t go away, Ms Prejean is back. Kellogg has announced that Carrie will be the spokesperson for its new cereal which is being marketed to those on the longer rungs of the IQ scale in America. Sid Hammerstein, speaking for Kellogg, noted that as someone who reportedly sits on her television to watch her sofa, there probably hasn’t been another candidate more suited for the job since lobotomies were outlawed in the United States.

Health Insurance Industry Outraged

News from the government that 45,000 people die in the U.S. every year because they don’t have health insurance has outraged the health insurance industry. Stephen Hemsley, CEO of United Heath Group, speaking at a luncheon in Washington D. C. made it clear in his opening remarks that the industry would  not take this kind of abuse. “We just want people to realize that 45,000 is a paltry number, said Hemsley. “We in The Industry are proud of the fact that we kill far more people than that every year by denying claims. That’s what we do and damn it, we do it very well. For the government bean counters to ignore this fact is a real slap in the face to the worker bees in our field who toil 24/7 to find increasingly obscure ways to tell sick people to buzz off. ” Hemsley went on to remind the audience that in the last five years as CEO of one of the biggest health insurance companies his compensation has topped $700 million dollars. “You don’t make this kind of money by paying out claims for heart transplants and diabetes treatments, he said. “Our actuaries have deduced a formula that reflects a “dollar to doughnuts” breakdown of how money from health premiums is spent. For instance, by denying a typical claim for treatment of breast cancer, we’re able to provide an entire place setting on one of our corporate jets. We’re talking real china plates, crystal stemware and monogrammed napkins. Some kid gets cystic fibrosis, we immediately bounce the family off our insurance rolls and put their premium payments to good use reseeding a golf course or putting new carpeting in the groundskeeper’s equipment shed. What the bleeding heart Democrats in Congress fail to realize is that with all these so called reforms they’re trying to push past our Republican obstructionist friends, there exists a real chance that our profits could be affected. Sure, we’re gonna get another 34 million unwilling policy holders paying premiums under penalty of jail time if they don’t, but how are we supposed to pay off our stock holders if we can’t reject sick bastards with a history of acne or ingrown toenails? With the new laws, every time some policy holder submits a claim for having a gangrenous leg amputated or a cancerous lung removed we’re supposed to write a check? Let’s get real here; if you take your car to a repair shop and pay for new tires, do you expect to drive off with new tires?  Of course not! Or, more to the point, if you buy a fire insurance policy and your house burns down, ya think Allstate is gonna cut you a check for your loss? Not on this planet! Why should the health insurance industry be any different? It’s our God given duty to stand between patients and their doctors while we delay, obfuscate, and obstruct…. whatever it takes to deny that claim. We pay millions to senators and congressmen to see things our way and if these so called reforms pass you’re gonna see alot more people surviving catastrophic illness and we’ll get blamed for it, mark my words”.

Obama Lays Out Afghanistan Strategy

In a nationally broadcast speech from West Point, President Obama last night revealed his plan for success in Afghanistan. “We’re going to beat the Taliban and Al Qaeda,” he told the assembled cadets and officers at the elite military academy. “For too long our brave soldiers have been led to believe that our presence in Afghanistan was the goal, just being there was our reason for being there. We know now that simply being a giant magnet for U.S. Dollars is not reason enough for the American presence no matter how rich it makes the private contractors and Burger King. From now on our goal will be to win. Some have asked how we can possibly prevail against an enemy as elusive as the foes we face in Afghanistan. How can we vanquish an enemy with no land to seize, no factories to bomb, no air force to destroy, no navy to sink, no people to win over and no flag to capture. And to this I say, good question.

There are those who say that at a cost of one million dollars per soldier per year spent in that godforsaken land that America can’t afford an open ended conflict at a time when the economy in our own country is so bad that even the illegal aliens are heading south in search of greener pastures. I would remind these naysayers that so far the Chinese have been footing the bill. We run our printing presses 24/7 cranking out Treasury bills and the Chinese suck them up like chop suey. Lately, however, they have been hinting that they worry about our ability to make good on our debt obligations. In my recent visit to Bejing I reminded their president Hu that our economy remains as solid as General Motors and that Hu’s on first. An attempt at humor that went right over the little guy’s head.

In any case, I say that if we can waste a trillion dollars in Iraq with nothing to show for it, then we can certainly pump a trillion into the black hole of Afghanistan and hope that we can buy off the terrorists before they get their hands on a nuclear weapon in Pakistan. We have nothing to fear but getting our asses handed to us; historically it happened to Alexander the Great, it happened to the British and it happened to the Soviet Union. There is a reason why Afghanistan is known as the “graveyard of empires”. For one thing it looks like a graveyard, except that there isn’t any grass and the main crop is opium poppies that serve to fund our enemies and flood our streets with heroin.

In closing I would remind everyone that our greatest hope for the people of Afghanistan is that some of the billions siphoned off by its corrupt government will be spent on better roads and additional Burger Kings so that just like in America, their young people can look forward to tenuous employment in a job where they say, ‘would you like fries with that’. Thank you and good night”.