Haunted House Flashlights

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So there’s the young woman, scantily clad in her nightie, heart pounding, one hand to her mouth to stifle the pending scream, making her way down the cobwebbed stairs to the old dark cellar…. and right on cue the flashlight flickers and then goes out.

In all the years of Hollywood thrillers has there ever been an occasion where the ubiquitous battery powered light source has NOT failed at the crucial moment?! And you gotta figure that in this 21st century age, the people at risk in the movie you’re watching, must have themselves been watchers of movies where the flashlight ALWAYS goes out. And yet down into the cellar they go, all alone at midnight to investigate the strange noises that can only be coming from the gaping maw of whatever evil presence lurks below.

I’m thinking that in the world inhabited by movie teenagers with stunted intellects, there must be a Home Depot that has an aisle marked, “Haunted House Flashlights”. You get your choice among the many on display. Oh, here’s one that’s guaranteed to work only until sundown. And over here is one that flickers intermittently but will still throw feeble illumination until an axe splits the skull of the user. The cheaper models require constant jiggling and whacking with the palm of the hand to keep them winking coyly in the dark while the higher priced ones simply switch off when most needed….you know… right at the moment when the busty teenager forgets how to put one foot in front of the other and falls on her face as she attempts to flee. It’s got to the point where in any horror movie featuring a dim witted about-to-be victim wielding a flashlight, I start counting down the seconds until the device fails. Just once I’d like the unfortunate starlet to be found horribly murdered and gratuitously dismembered but with the flashlight lying nearby STILL WORKING!

1 thought on “Haunted House Flashlights

  1. You need to see “Return to house on Haunted Hill” the flashlights are amongst the only survivors!

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