Haunted House Flashlights
So there’s the young woman, scantily clad in her nightie, heart pounding, one hand to her mouth to stifle the pending scream, making her way down the cobwebbed stairs to the old dark cellar…. and right on cue the flashlight flickers and then goes out.
In all the years of Hollywood thrillers has there ever been an occasion where the ubiquitous battery powered light source has NOT failed at the crucial moment?! And you gotta figure that in this 21st century age, the people at risk in the movie you’re watching, must have themselves been watchers of movies where the flashlight ALWAYS goes out. And yet down into the cellar they go, all alone at midnight to investigate the strange noises that can only be coming from the gaping maw of whatever evil presence lurks below.
I’m thinking that in the world inhabited by movie teenagers with stunted intellects, there must be a Home Depot that has an aisle marked, “Haunted House Flashlights”. You get your choice among the many on display. Oh, here’s one that’s guaranteed to work only until sundown. And over here is one that flickers intermittently but will still throw feeble illumination until an axe splits the skull of the user. The cheaper models require constant jiggling and whacking with the palm of the hand to keep them winking coyly in the dark while the higher priced ones simply switch off when most needed….you know… right at the moment when the busty teenager forgets how to put one foot in front of the other and falls on her face as she attempts to flee. It’s got to the point where in any horror movie featuring a dim witted about-to-be victim wielding a flashlight, I start counting down the seconds until the device fails. Just once I’d like the unfortunate starlet to be found horribly murdered and gratuitously dismembered but with the flashlight lying nearby STILL WORKING!
Gitmo Terrorists Moving to America’s Heartland
Pressing ahead with their Marxist-Socialist agenda, the Democrat Party today rammed through legislation calling for the importation of dangerous Islamic thugs from the gulag at Guantanamo Bay into the heartland of America. Positively beaming at a noon press conference in Washington, Nancy Pelosi, the face of American Facism, announced that the parade of terrorists would begin almost immediately. “Officially these Arab baby rapers are only being brought here to answer criminal charges, said Pelosi, her Botox frozen features locked in an expression of perpetual surprise, “but in actuality our plan is much more sinister. These jihadists are being trained as guards to staff the FEMA concentration camps now under construction throughout the country.”
It had long been reported by Fox News that the Obama administration was building “re-education” camps to house patriotic Americans, but today’s announcement was the first officially sanctioned release of official news regarding the now official camps. “Only those who refuse to swear allegiance to Lord Obama need be concerned about a midnight knock on the door, Pelosi continued, “and not to worry, this won’t be happening before next year. First we have to confiscate all the firearms in the hands of private citizens. That’s what the 2010 Census is all about. The census worker bees will be offering amnesty to all those who surrender their guns and convert to Islam at the time of the interview. As to everyone else, well, I suggest you count your fingers and toes.” Asked by reporters about the “fingers and toes” comment, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs noted that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez had been annointed as “Torture Czar” to put together an entirely new torture regime. “None of that namby pamby sleep deprivation and waterboarding for American internees, said Gibbs, “we know that won’t work on Patriots who have been numbed by watching Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh.” He chuckled before adding, “You know it’s funny; conservative radio had it right all along about everything: death panels, Kenyan president, socialist agenda, Islam as America’s official religion, Obama’s embrace of the homosexual agenda, the administration’s hatred of white people….. but mainstream America didn’t want to believe it and now the Lefties are in charge. There is one bright spot, though. I’ve been authorized to tell you that global warming really is a hoax.”
Iran Flaunts Latest Long Range Missile
Brushing off threats of increasing sanctions by the west and its allies, Iranian President Mahmound Ima-dinner-jacket vowed today to press forward with Iran’s missile and uranium enrichment programs. Using the occasion of Iran’s unexpected announcement of a heretofore secret nuclear facility 130 km from Tehran, the bombastic chief executive unveiled Iran’s new XX23 Ghabel na-dareh land based missile, known locally as The Prophet’s Big One. “We are not cowed by threats and bullying,” said Ima-dinner-jacket, speaking before the UN General Assembly on Monday, “ours is a holy cause and a matter of national pride. Our dedicated scientists have come up with a weapon more robust than those of the infidel nations. Yours may be longer but ours has a larger circumference and that’s what really counts.”
Outside the UN building protestors struggled against a police line intent on keeping them from the building entrance. In the crowd, Omnali Mahmoumna, an Iranian with American citizenship, paused to answer questions posed by nearby reporters. “With respect to my native country’s offensive capabilities I do agree that size matters, she said, holding a sign depicting The Prophet’s Big One, “but the leaders of Iran are wrong if they think the world will simply lie back and submit meekly to the forced insertion of The Big One into the current dialogue. Even as we speak, Israel is making plans to thwart Iran’s ongoing projectile dysfunction and I fear the well being of my relatives and friends back home”.
Meanwhile, newscasts on Iran’s domestic television stations continued to focus on the ability of the Iranian military to easily manuever The Big One through Israel’s front line defenses or with slight repositioning, through its unprotected rear end near Gaza.