White House Occupied by a Foreign Born Enigma

Like fingernails on a blackboard, the screeching at townhalls across the US has reached an earsplitting volume. With the passing weeks it has become apparent that far from being the number one topic, healthcare and its proposed reform has become a back burner issue. Crude handmade signs scrawled with messages of anger and disgust have sprung up at carefully orchestrated spontaneous eruptions revealing a  deep set  unrest in the country. Your intrepid reporter has braved several of these turbulent protests in order to turn over a few rocks  and see what lurks beneath.

Punayp, Colorado, August 4:
I approach an obese white man outside the high school auditorium to ask about his sign which reads: “Back I Want My Country”. Turns out he’s unemployed and mad as hell. “I used to make a pretty good living as a fire department dispatcher, but because I’m dyslexic I sometimes skewed the addresses when people called 991 to report a blaze. They’d say 2121 Main Street and I’d type in 1212 instead. And that’s whose fault? Mine? When I got my high school diploma back in 1659 nobody complained about me. Then that Kenyan feller gets elected president and in the same week I get booted onto the street. Can’t be no coincidence”.

Delmar, Virginia, August 10:
A white lady with double chins and circus tent sized sweat pants takes a break from waving her placard (“No Socialized Medicine; Hands off my Medicare”) to light up a cigarette. “I used to work on a assembly line making them little pins that go inside the valve stems on tires. I had a paycheck, a pension and a Hummer. Then Firestone closes the factory and ships it off to China, my pension goes in the toilet and I have to go on Medicare for my asthma and emphysema. I still got the Hummer but I had to sell the wheels in order to buy cigarettes, so it’s up on blocks in my daughter’s driveway and that’s where I live now. That black Mooslum done sold us out and now I gotta worry that I won’t pass the test when he puts me in front of the death panel. Thank God for Sarah Palin, just before Obama fired her from her governor job she exposed his plan to stamp out the white people.”

Fallstaff, Ohio, August 12:
“I saw on the Innertubes that there was gonna be an unplanned protest at this here town hall meeting. Some patriotic group called Americans for White Justice said to show up today at exactly 10:00 A.M. and take part in a spontaneous grassroots demonstration and shout slogans off this script they handed out when we got off the White Justice bus. They promised us a box lunch and maybe an appearance on the TV if anybody draws blood, so here I am. I got all the time in the world since I got laid off at the spatula factory. And I got that Nazi lovin’  half breed in the Awful Office to thank …. says so right here in the second paragraph.”

Merridian, Ohio, August 17:
I found myself next to a morbidly obese white guy trying to work his bullhorn. He was grateful when I showed him how to insert the batteries and he took a moment to explain his position. “I’ve been a white guy all my life and never had to apologize for it. Now we got brown hordes stormin’ across the border, Punjabs runnin’ the 7-11′s, KO-reens in the dry cleaning shops and that O-bama as president selling out the opposite side of his race. He’s half black ya see, but he’s also half white and whichever half is runnin’ the country wants to come and take my guns. My son said that according to his history teacher O-friggin’-bama is a “nigma wrapped in a condom” or some such”. I asked if perhaps he meant, “an enigma wrapped in a conundrum” and he said that sounded about right. “See, back in 2008 I didn’t vote for no nigma, but there he is, sittin’ in George Bush’s chair playing with his gangster bling and watchin his mother-in-law pratice witchcraft. This isn’t the America that won the War of the Worlds back in 1812. This isn’t the Christian nation that was founded on the superior white race against the Indians and it sure as hell don’t look like we gonna have the Billy Rights much longer, especially, chapter two where it says all about guns and our country ’tis of thee”.

Do You Speak Time/Warner?

Do you have Time Warner Cable? I do. I used to have Adelphia but the family that owned the system got sent to prison a while back for misappropriating funds and Time Warner realized that their AOL disaster could be eclipsed by an even bigger blunder if they bought a cable company. I have this thing with my cable service where certain channels present on the TV screen as if the signals have been scrambled by the NSA; tantalizing glimpses of programming interspersed with blasts of noise, black screen and pixels; sort of like listening to your FM station in the car when you’re
j-u-s-t out of range of their transmitter. “Earthquake….. tune to….. do not under any circumstances….. take these items…..National Guard……. shoot to kill……” 
I didn’t address the problem for several months because I dreaded being linked to a technician in India. Been there, done that. I got by for the longest time by triple recording programs I wanted to see on my Tivo, trusting that at least one of them would slip through the NSA scramblers.  When my triple recording method got to the triple failure range I bit the bullet and sat down at the computer. (My internet service through Time Warner is surprisingly good; I’m sure they’re working overtime to solve that probem) Anyway, on the TW website I was invited to jump into one of their technical support chat rooms, and this I did. The transcript of the conversation went something like this:

(Analyst has entered the chatroom)
Oaktree: Hello, I am Oaktree and I will be assisting you. I appologize for any inconvenience that has been caused to you since the time of the dinosaurs.
Me: I accept your appology. Can you help me?
Oaktree:  I am not aware of your problem that hasn’t been revealed in this time zone. And I notice that I am in control of the area of the Carolinas while you are in California.
Me: The premium channels I’m paying for are impossible to see.
Oaktree: It is suggested that electricity can be used when turning on the appropriate equipment.
Me: Is there another way to turn on the appropriate equipment?
Oaktree: Electricity is not the problem I am authorized to deal for you with. You are invited to call a phone number that will bring a solution to your current circumstances.
Me: So you can’t help me.
Oaktree: Yes. Is there anything else I can be of assistance for?
Me: Can you give me the phone number?
Oaktree: I have been happy to serve you in this manner.
(Analyst has left the chatroom)

Next I called the Time Warner problem solver line at 888-we-can’t-help-u-either. They gave me an appointment for an actual repair dude who actually showed up at my house with actual tools. He smiled indulgently and wagged his head when I told him of my experience with the TW chatline. “The chatline isn’t designed to fix your problem, he said, it’s designed to let you vent about the crappy reception you’re getting….. kinda like when you tell your kid there’s no monster under the bed; when you turn out the light the monster is still there, but the kid has learned that telling you about it won’t do any good.”

The repair dude got out his Ghostbusters gauges and hooked them up to my cable outlet and shortly lapsed into technical jargon. “Hmmmm… weak signal. Me fixum pronto.” I stood back to give him space while he clipped wires and muttered incantations. Within 30 minutes he was putting away his gizmos and the reception on the offending channels was superb. Until the following evening, that is, when I began getting a black screen with a TW message at the bottom: “searching for Basic cable signal and loving it”. I called the TW tech support line. “That means that something is disconnected,” came the perky reply to my query. I was persuaded to assume the position (kneeling) before my entertainment center and  pull the cable box and Tivo out . (I was apprehensive because Mumbai computer support generally has me disassemble my computer and then drops the call). I pulled and pushed until I got the two units semi removed, amid a billowing  cloud of ancient dust that summoned the image of the intrepid archaeologists who unearthed  King Tut’s tomb thereby bringing the curse down on their heads.  I noted the presence of two unattached black cables bobbing around like the feelers on an electronic sci fi grasshopper. “There you go, said Perky, you’ve found the problem.” Really?  I realized in short order that there were a half dozen or so empty  inputs and outputs on the back of the boxes. Which cable goes where? (Question: why are the back panels on stereos, TV’s, DVD players and every other electronic device always black with black raised lettering sort of like the Braille you find on ATM machines? )
I doggedly spent the next 20 minutes plugging  the unattached cables into the various orifices with no obvious effect, except that my knees began complaining bitterly.  By this time Perky had lost interest in my quest and suggested that I make an appointment to have an actual technician actually respond to my actual location at a time to be announced later. I actually don’t have a choice do I?

 

 

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Obama Orders Soylent Green Program

 Forget about Socialized Medicine, Kenyan imposter Barrack Hussein Obama is now ordering  that  all white American citizens turn in their elderly relatives to the government in order to be ground up and turned into meat patties to feed illegal aliens. Patriotic Americans all over the nation are turning out in record numbers at town hall meetings to rail against this latest outrage by our illegitimate president. Speaking from the Oval Office and flanked by the Reverend Al Sharpton and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, the Prince of Darkness announced that participation in the program will be mandatory and will begin on December 12 which not so coincidentally is  Jamhuri Day (independence day) in Kenya. “United Nations troops will be coming to your door in the near future, sneered Obama, as he fondled a terrified white woman bound to an inverted wooden cross,  they will be collecting your guns and tallying the number of elderly in your household.” He went on to explain that the number of brown skinned  illegals will increase dramatically once the Mexico / Los Angeles bullet train is completed using taxpayer stimulus funds. “Now that I have Sonia Sotamoyer on the Supreme Court nothing can stand in my way”, gloated the half breed potentate who then stood and led his cabal in a resonant chant of “yes we can, yes we can” before television screens across the country faded to black.

Cash for Soiled Underwear

In another step calculated to move the ailing economy along, the Obama administration today announced the “Cash for Stinkers” program. Coming on the heels of the uber successful “Cash for Clunkers” program designed to replace aging gas guzzlers, the Stinkers program moves into uncharted territory: that of replacing stained underpants with new, Made in America briefs, jockeys and panties. Each soiled garment would be surrendered at local clothing stores and a cash voucher immediately issued to the bearer for use in the purchase of  newly produced underwear. While Democrats mainly hailed the idea as innovative, Republicans were more circumspect insisting that the program be amended in such a way that the soiled undies of illegal aliens not be allowed to contaminate the malodorous melting pot of used under garments.  Senator Jeff Sessions, noted GOP racist, threatened a fillibuster if Republican demands for an all American program not be honored. “I don’t want to see American tax dollars being throw at a bunch of illegal brown people waving soiled skivvies, he said. He then added, “We also want to ensure that each soiled garment be destroyed so that it can’t simply be recycled and sold to the public as previously worn ball buckets and G strings”. Blue Dog Democrats had a few words as well. Rep Jim Cooper of Tennessee asked that safeguards be put in place to ensure that “replacement garments be made by Americans in America”. Much headscratching ensued when it was pointed out by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell that underwear sold in America is actually produced offshore. “We haven’t manufactured clothing in the United States for a generation, he said. “The corporations are of course, American, but the labor force is foreign in order to keep the prices competitive. How are the CEO’s supposed to grow their wealth if they have to shave millions off their bonuses to pay American workers a living wage? As it is they’re forced to incorporate in the Cayman Islands using  post office boxes as corporate headquarters to avoid paying U.S. taxes.” Senate leaders agreed to meet after their August recess in order to come up with a workable solution and issued a press release cautioning Americans to keep their soiled underwear in a safe place until details of the Stinkers program are settled.