GOP: Healthcare Not for the Unhealthy

Appearing at the GOP’s  weekly “No On Everything”  meeting, House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BONER) spoke out against the current healthcare proposals being discussed  in Congress and in the media. Noting the hush that fell over the crowd when he strode up to the podium wearing clown makeup, Boehner hastened to explain his appearance. “As the ‘Party of No’ we have a responsibility to our loyal base, small as that may be these days. I intend to wear this ridiculous face paint to embarrass our illegitimate president into abandoning his clownish behavior or stepping down and returning to Kenya, whichever occurs first”. At this point Boehner attempted to juggle three oranges for reporters but fumbled almost immediately. “As you can see, clowning isn’t one of my strong points, he said, squirting a stream of water into the face of CNN reporter Derek Means, from a lapel mounted faux flower. “This whole healthcare reform nonsense is a perfect example of what’s wrong in Washington these days. We in Congress have top notch  taxpayer funded medical care for life, why would we want to ‘reform’ that? Americans all over America would be insulted if I rejected the insurance they provide me. Our foreign born president says he wants affordable healthcare for every man, woman and child in the U.S.  and I say that’s just not going to happen. According to the World Health Organization France is number one in delivering healthcare to its citizens. France!  Remember Freedom Fries? Right now we’re number 37 ,  just below Costa Rica and just above Slovenia, but hey, that makes Slovenia number 38! Could we improve on that? Sure, but that would mean delivering expensive medical care to a shit load of unhealthy Americans. Our position is that if you need to see a doctor, you’re obviously a health risk. We can’t ask a reputable insurance company to take you on when you need care…. that would be crazy! Do you get to buy auto insurance after you crash into something? Let’s remember that the goal of insurance companies is to make money and every dollar they waste on doctors and medicine is a dollar that won’t go to CEO’s or shareholders. That’s billions of dollars that won’t be spent on yachts, cottages in the Hamptons and first class hookers. That could wreck the economy and squander the budget surplus left by President Bush. We in the GOP say that America was built on individualism and strong laws against using the wrong orifice during the sacred act of copulation. Sarah Palin said it best when she didn’t quit by resigning as governor: ‘only dead fish go with the flow’, was her rallying cry and only God knows what pit bulls she’ll be putting lipstick on now. bless her heart. So let’s head home to our constituents during this August recess and make the voters understand that if they want everyone to have  decent healthcare they should move to France. But maybe not Slovenia”.

It’s Palin / Prejean in 2012!

In the midst of her “I’m No Quitter – Prove It”  tour, Sarah Palin took time out on Friday to announce her plans for the future. “I asked you all here today to make an announcement”, said the former governor/mayor /pagent queen, speaking at the Moose Hump bingo parlor in Yakutat, Alaska, before dozens of onlookers. “By now you’ve all heard that I didn’t get to be vice president of Alaska and also the other states as well. And I can tell ya that the reason was because of my running mate, John McCain, who proved himself to be a quitter on election night last year. He conceded just as we were about to win in a turn around landslide, let me tell ya, and the rest as we say up here, is history. So I asked myself, I said ‘Sarah, do you want to continue going on with being a governor’ and I said, thanks but no thanks. So I’m writin’ a book about my fishing  experiences and I’m also going to run for president the next time there’s an election goin’ on. Well, I know you’re all wondering if John McCain will want to be vice president which is a question which bottles the mind. In other words, it’s mind bottling because John is an old misguided missile. I want to share the oval office of president with someone more of my intellect caliber, someone who shares my views and my dress size. Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, is someone who fits with the formal and the ladder. She understands what it’s like to be shoulder to shoulder with a much older man who weighs us down like an anchor on a rowboat, such as John McCain and Donald Trump. Although she lives in California, her knowledge of foreign lands goes much further, even including places like Wisconsin and Fargo North Carolina where that evil Kim Jung whatever lives with his pompadour and atomic missiles. That he also launches. Carrie and I are a compliment to each other. What I don’t know she has no idea about and this is called sympathetic vibration, something that even Todd doesn’t lack. That’s Todd the husband not  Todd Rundgren the music makin’ guy. So there ya have it in a nutbag, it’s me and Carrie in ….. the next election, whenever that is. Vote for us like you mean business and so do I!”

Harry MF*** Potter and the Half Baked Prince

In a movie project conceived by Spike Lee and Al Sharpton, Harry Potter isn’t some faggot cracker waving a stick around, he’s a happening brother with a mission: bring whitey to his knees using black magic and high end ass kicking. Step one, grab that sweet piece Hermione, stash her in the dungeon at Dawgfartz and bring her around to the dark side. “I see Harry as a sexual dynamo, said Spike Lee,  on the set of MF*** Potter. That wand he’s using gots eleven inches of black magic that those Wal-Mart twins Fred and George Weasly can only wish they had.” Although many of the plot points remain under wraps, Lee was quick to reject criticism that his project was an attempt to recapture the potent imagery of such early black  exploitation films as “Shaft” and “Superfly”. Kickin’  it in his on set trailer crib, Lee heaped scorn on his detractors. “Me and the Reverend Sharpton are light years ahead of what was doin’ back then. This joint (translation: film) takes a contemporary dawg of the hood and sets him square in the face of what Hollywood thinks is the juxtaposition of black art and the happening of cool.”  This description makes perfect sense to black film critic Jumal Wyatt. “What you have to understand is the negro-fication of this new century in terms of film and theater. You won’t be seeing black film makers wasting time on science fiction about extracurriculars coming to shake things up. The black man gonna shake things up and he’s already here. That’s why MF*** Potter takes Hermione into his embrace. In essence he’s saying, ‘we come for your women whitey…. and we come over and over and over again’, so get used to it’. I trust I’m not giving too much away when I say that the transformation of  Hermione from tight ass British prude to big booty Ghetto Queen is going to rankle some in the white community, but Spike Lee is all about raising hackles. They better brace themselves for the next installment, ‘Spawn of Harry MF*** Potter: Hermione Burps One Out’. I believe that one will be in 3D’

Incredible Natural Magnet Found in My Bathroom

The first time it happened I thought it was sheer coincidence, like when I run out of clean underwear the same day I run out of laundry detergent. On this particular morning I was behind schedule and in my haste I accidentally dropped my hairbrush. After bouncing off the edge of the sink and careening off the wall  it landed (bristles down) in the cat’s litter box. (Note: another coincidence– I run out of cat litter the same day the box needs changing). The next morning, my hands slippery with soap, I leaned out of the shower and grabbed the bottle of shampoo I had neglected to bring in with me. It slipped from my grasp, bounced off a lower shelf and ….. landed in the middle of the litter box. In the days that followed I was witness to an amazing phenomenon. Anything that got away from me — electric razor, comb, bottle of Listerine — everything was drawn to the litter box. At first I thought this might be akin to the Murphy’s Law axiom that requires dropped toast to land buttered side down, or the Mechanics’ Corollary that sees a dropped tool roll to the exact center under the vehicle being worked on, but this was something different. With a little experimentation I was able to determine that an object need not even be in my hand  to succumb to the mysterious forces at work here. I could set anything on a shelf’s edge — hand mirror, toothpaste tube, extra roll of toilet paper and as soon as my back was turned the object would be drawn into the dark vortex of the litter box, much to the disgust of my cat who has never fully accepted my sharing her bathroom and is generally annoyed  by my mere presence there. I attempted to solve the riddle of this paradox through the magic of Google, but only wound up staring at ads for a dizzying array of penis enlargement devices. (I really must study search engine parameters one of these days) Through an acquaintance I was able to get the e-mail address of Dr. Hubert Mendelson of the Massachusettes Institute of Technology. I immediately dashed off a detailed description of the anomaly, with a plea for his assistance and hinted that he might want to share my insights with his friend Stephen Hawking,  in the event that primal subatomic forces are at work in my bathroom. So far Dr. Mendleson has failed to respond and I can only conclude that my friend must have given me the wrong address. My situation grows increasingly dire: yesterday the litter box claimed my toothbrush and I am certainly not going to run out and buy a new one each time this happens. And I know you wouldn’t either.

Turd de France Winner Recalls Lunar Landing

Lance Armstrong, 7 time winner of the famed Turd de France, took time off from his vigorous training session on Thursday to recall his walk on the lunar surface 40 years ago this month. It was in July, 1969 that Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins, having blasted off from Florida decided to have a go at actually touching down on the moon. “The last ten missions had seen the guys fly all the way to the moon and then just gawk at it, maybe snap a few pictures. As you know, I’m a guy who goes for the gold and I suggested to my teammates that maybe we should fire our retros and make some history.” Armstrong said that he had astronaut Mike Collins rummage around in the equipment they had on board and sure enough there were two spacesuits. “This meant that one of us would have to stay on board the module and just… you know… gawk at the moon, maybe snap a few pictures, and I told the other guys it wasn’t going to be me”. Armstrong recounted how the other two men struggled to work out a way to decide who would get to land on the moon. “They tried flipping a coin, but the damn thing wouldn’t stop spinning. This was pretty amazing so we radioed back to Houston and told them what we had discovered. Instead of being impressed, the egg heads told us to check our oxygen levels in case we were  experiencing ‘oxygen deprivation’… can you believe it?” Armstrong went on to say that a spirited 2 out of 3 match of rock-paper-scissors saw Collins remaining in the Apollo module while he and Buzz Aldrin squeezed into the lunar lander. “There wasn’t room for my bike and this is something I’ve always regretted, said Armstrong, I just chalk it up to poor planning on the part of the geek squad that slapped this lunar mission together.” Asked about the memorable words he spoke as the first human to set foot on the moon, Armstrong was unapologetic. “All that ‘one small step’ crap you always hear about….. that’s what Houston wishes I would have said. They edited that in later. Putting on that spacesuit I had accidentally caught my pubes in the zipper and that ‘giant leap for mankind’ just about tore me a new one. After I blew off some steam they made us pick up rocks for hours just to put us in our place”.  Asked about the most startling aspect of being on the moon Armstrong grew thoughtful. “I think it was looking up and seeing the earth hanging there in the sky. I checked my watch and it was like after midnight and I thought to myself, “where’s the friggin’ moon?”

Palin Fondles Salmon, Resigns

Speaking from the stern of her husband’s fishing boat, the Wingnut, former V.P. hopeful Sarah Palin addressed a select group of reporters and citizens in Wasalia, Alaska yesterday. “Excuse me for being a touch out of breath, gasped Alaska’s controversial governor, I was up all night humping a sockeye… that’s what we anglers call it when ya bag the big one, ya know.” Palin displayed a still twitching sockeye salmon as she winked at her husband, Todd, who was wearing a T shirt bearing the logo “I Have the Big One”. Palin went on to say, “I called you all together this morning to hear an important announcement which I’ll be announcing shortly. Before I do, though, I just wanted to compare my governor-incy to a sports metaphor, cause as you know, I was point guard on my high school basketball team and ya know I can still get into those shorts whether I’m guarding points or going after the big one (another wink at Todd). You have to keep your head high and your shoelaces tied to be a success in point guardin’ and in life, too, as well. Not so much when you’re playin’ the flute (another wink) but ya get the drift of what I’m sayin’ here.” A reporter from the Wasalia Flounder shouted out, “what ARE you saying?”  Palin hurled the salmon at the vexed journalist. “Now, that’s what I was gettin’ to… about the media and all. I was up here in the northern region minding my own beeswax last year when that McCain feller asked me out to lunch and the next thing ya know I’m on a friggin’ bridge to nowhere. And I said, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and they said I could be the next vice president. Now as ya know I had just given birth to little Bilge Pump, which was the one just after Squiggy. Or was that Sprocket…. anyway, I let go of the big one and got on board and the press and the media and that Katy Couric said I wasn’t ready to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office, which isn’t true of course, because even Joe the Plumber said my pipes were ready to handle the big one…and a plumber would know that, about my pipes and all. But as you can see, I’m about as close to the Oval Office as Vladimir Putin whose head often appears on the horizon over there, being as how we’re neighbors to Russia.” Palin then gathered her family around her at the microphone. “So there ya go, you media people. Go ahead and print that and twist it any way you want because you won’t have Sarah Palin to kick around any more. Anybody have questions?”  Washington Post reporter Jeremy Fine, pointing at his blank notebook page, said, “Governor Palin…. why are we here?” Stepping down into a rowboat alongside the Wingnut (the boat, not Todd) shot back, “You’re asking me why you’re here? Go and pray to Jesus for that information. I’m not a theologian, I’m just an ex-governor”.