Crazy for Christ

Bankrolled by Operation Rescue and T.B.E. (Tea Bagging Enterprises) this documentary follows two religious lunatics as they roam the country visiting abortion clinics, movie theaters showing R rated movies and public schools among other places,  in their quest to “shovel the steaming word of God into the mouths of unbelievers”. Begun as a screed against abortion, the producers of the movie enlisted the aid of well known anti-abortion activist Randall Terry who volunteered to write the unscripted project. Terry, who is himself the product of a botched abortion, is fond of  saying that “belief in Jesus is like a wad of chewing gum stuck to your shoe: it’s with you everywhere you go and tends to screw up other peoples’ carpets”. Only a few weeks into the making of the film, Terry decided to enlist the aid of Gregg Cunningham, a follower of Christ well known for pushing the envelope when it comes to in-your-face confrontations with ordinary people. “Folks don’t have to like me, says Cunningham, who home schools his twelve children, “but they do have to stand still while I smear nuggets of the Lord’s blessings all over their faces.” The just completed documentary was screened for critics on Saturday at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, where curious onlookers watched gibberish spouting “truth talkers” flopping around on the ground frothing at the mouth and speaking in tongues before the showing. Neil Ferguson, a reviewer for the Lamb of Light, a Christian periodical was enthusiastic about the 90 minute film. “Terry and Cunningham were definitely guided by the Lord in their decision to follow Minnie and Gabriel Crockett around this great nation, said Ferguson, “both of them had just recently been released from federal custody for mooning the White House and were anxious to get back to doing God’s business.” He went on to describe a scene from the movie where Gabriel Crockett had burst into the lobby of a theater in Hollywood and had dropped a load of God’s business in front of a Coming Soon display of the new Sam Rami horror film, “Drag Me to Hell”. Ferguson chuckled as he added, “that Gabriel is a caution. He wears these drawstring pajama pants like they issue in mental hospitals, so he’s always ready to squirt the Word whenever the spirit moves him. And that Minnie! She’s a holy roller on wheels… literally… she wears these roller skates 24/7 and goes rocketing past womens’ health centers screaming Bible passages and giving toots off the airhorn strapped to her back. It’s refreshing to see such dedication in a young couple these days”. Reached by phone on the set of a new documentary, Randall Terry expressed regret over the recent murder of Dr. George Tiller, dubbed “Tiller the Killer’ by the religious right. “I wish I would have known what the shooter had in mind, said the anti-abortionist, “I would have jumped at the chance to bless his bullets. What a miracle worker; I wish we had ten thousand more just like him.”

Susan Boyle Trounced by Legless Dance Team

The crowd was on its feet Saturday night as the winner of “Britain’s Got Talent” was announced in Twickenham Grounds Theater. In a stunning upset, an amputee dance troupe called Stump, was swept into first place leaving rising star Susan Boyle in the wings. Ms Boyle was not amused. Speaking to reporters later in her hotel suite, the Scottish maven looked hagard…. even more so than usual, with noticeable five o’clock shadow coloring her cheeks and chin. “I sang me arse off for that lot”, said the disgruntled nightingale, apparently unaware that most of her arse still clung to her posterior like a bag of wet laundry. “Had me eyebrows plucked, me hair done up like a fair strumpet, didn’t I? Even brushed me bloody teeth for the occasion.”  One of the more intrepid reporters sought Ms Boyle’s opinion of the act that had taken first place. “Don’t talk mince, she snorted, those numpties had all the grace of a misplaced jobby. The fix was obviously in and if you can’t see that yer a pure minger.” Unable to decipher Boyle’s pungent Scottish slang, most of the journalists began moving towards the door of the suite. “Oh, go on then, ya  useless  bawbags. You’ll not see me on the boards again any time soon. Got me an offer, don’t I, to tour with Sid’s Slacker Team til my boaby’s gowpin.” A  startled reporter turned from the door. “Isn’t ‘boaby’ Scottish slang fer ‘penis’ Ms Boyle?” At this point Boyle’s agent gently eased the rest of the assemblage into the hallway announcing the interview concluded.

Phil Spector Faces Primary Fight in Pennsylvania

Legendary record producer Phil Spector, recently sentenced to 19 years to life in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson, is facing the challenge of his career in the upcoming  2010 primary election in Pennsylvania. Spector, who on April 28 of this year switched from Republican to Democrat, had said that he had no regrets over switching parties, but added that he did regret that his chauffeur had heard the gunshot inside his Alhambra mansion six years ago. “If Jimmy had stayed in the damn car things would have been different, said Spector, “but no, he had to come clomping into the foyer in his big clown feet  and draw all the wrong conclusions.” Spector was apparently referring to the grisly scene in the mansion where the erstwhile actress was found missing half her face with a hastily scrawled note pinned to her dress that read, “I can’t live in a world where Phil Spector is a Democrat.” Spector’s first trial ended when the jury was unable to render a verdict and liberal pundits wasted no time painting the outcome as a Republican conspiracy engineered by Karl Rove, personal advisor to former President George W. Bush. The Left wing blogosphere lit up like a Christmas tree when Spector was convicted in the second trial right after he announced switching his party affiliation. “President Obama could have pardoned him, said Adriana Huffington of the Huffington Post, but that would not have been politically expedient.”  Democratic Representative Joe Sestak, Spector’s anticipated opposition for the upcoming Senate race, said that his opponent would have a tough time running a campaign from his prison cell and predicted that he might very well find himself unduly distracted while in state custody. “I suspect there are a fair number of inmates who have a bone to pick with Mr. Spector. I’m not the only one who thought he did a piss poor job on the Beatles’ final album.”

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