Michael Jackson Cancels Concert Tour

World media were stunned to learn on Thursday that Michael Jackson has cancelled his upcoming “This is Nuts” concert tour, which was slated to begin in early July. The reclusive pop star, speaking through a medium/publicist from his broken down Neverman Ranch near Los Olivos in northern California said that he had recently lost weight due to concerns that a strong smell of decaying meat emanating from his bedroom might mean that he had died. Madame Olga-Jackson, not related to Jesse Jackson, said that Michael Jackson had been shuttered in the master suite on Neverman ever since his return from the coroner’s office on Saturday. “He was really looking forward to the concert tour, said the publicist/medium, and added that Jackson had been scouring the neighborhood for aluminum cans in order to raise the funds for plane fare to London. Most fans are unaware that the iconic pop star had squandered hundreds of millions buying up his own records to maintain the illusion that he was still the “King of Pop”, a title that had recently shifted to Boy George who promptly rejected it for obvious reasons. “Michael is still reaching out to his fans, said Olga-Jackson, and asks for their understanding during this difficult period in his life.”  A spokesman for the new owner of Neverman Ranch, Colony Capital, said that the Santa Barbara County Sheriff had been contacted about having Mr. Jackson evicted from the 2,800 acre property which had been sold in late 2008. “We’re concerned that this has-been singer is currently stinking up the place, said Malcom Everston, an attorney for Colony Capital, if he thinks he can just move back into Neverman, he’s beating a dead horse.”

Governor Sanford Caught with Argentine Honey Dew

“I was looking for something exotic.” So began the press conference hastily called by Republican Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who sought to explain away his mysterious absence for the last five days. “When you’ve been married to my wife, Jenny, as long as I have there just naturally comes a time when you’re more or less destined to go out and look for some strange, y’all”. News media reports had been growing increasingly alarmist as the days without contact between South Carolina’s chief executive and his staff continued to mount. “I’m here tonight to admit that I have been unfaithful to my wife. Yes, I’ve hurt my wife, my four wonderful sons, my executive staff, the people of the great state of South Carolina and even my nut sack in the breaking of God’s law.” Recently released e-mails between the governor and a farmer in Buenos Aires appear to show Sanford’s increasing  fascination with Argentinian melons, rumored to be the most romantic in the world. One of the e-mails obtained by State Press.Org seems to have been written by the smitten state official to a particular melon named “Eva”. In part it reads,”I think about your lucious curves, your firm moist center and yes, even the knobby stem that I caress during the physical act of love. Try as I might, while mounted on my pasty big ass southern wife, the image of your dark skin and the thought of your sweet juices intrudes and I am left holding the bag, so to speak.” Following the news conference a number of Republicans issued statements strongly condemning the torid affair between Governor Sanford and his fruit. “I just think it’s disgusting,” said Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. “You go poking your business end into foreign melons you can’t claim no ‘wide stance’ defense, no way, no how. And you risk contamination by pesticides. Best to stick to glory holes in mens’ rooms”. Nevada Senator John Ensign was more circumspect. “I thank Gawd-almighty for revealing in Jesus’ name his righteousness in outing this moral degenerate. After all it takes most of the heat off of me for my own recent indiscretions, which I’m proud to say were limited to females of the opposite gender and American citizens to boot.” Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee declined to make a formal statement but did say in a Twitter to his aides, “White peeps are some weird muthas”.

U.S. Missile Defense Ready? Not So Much.

In the wake of claims from North Korea that its latest missile test would see a long range Taepodong weapon launched toward Hawaii, Defense Secretary Robert Gates assured nervous lawmakers in Congress that America is ready to meet any potential threat from Kim Jung Il’s regime. “Any missile targeting Hawaii or for that matter, the west coast of the United States will be met by our proven ground launched interceptors, said Gates speaking before the Armed Services Committee yesterday. “As long as the weather is clear Americans have nothing to worry about.” This caveat prompted Senator Jim Webb (D-Va) to ask for an explanation. “Well, said Gates, just as with our many interceptor test firings, we naturally insist that the weather be condusive to a successful impact. If there are clouds, wind, rain or heaven forbid, a typhoon, we probably wouldn’t even bother undertaking  a launch. “Other than that, though, asked Webb, there is nothing to worry about?”  Gates shuffled some papers in front of him. “Well, that and the speed of the enemy projectile. Our interceptors are unable to track anything above or below a particular speed. But speed and weather aside we can hit anything launched against us. As long as the North Koreans give us advance notice of the exact trajectory of their missile.”  Webb looked perplexed. “Why on earth would the North Koreans give us that information, Secretary Gates?” The Secretary looked annoyed. “Senator, haven’t you followed the progress of our interceptor test program? Every time we’ve conducted one of these tests we’ve always known exactly where to look for the target. How are we supposed to hit it if we don’t even know which part of the sky to watch? We’re not wizards you know, this isn’t some Hollywood movie we’re talking about here.”  Senator Sessions (R-AL) spoke up. “Just so we all know what the limitations of our defense system are, let me summarize and y’all can fill in any blanks. America is completely impervious to a missile strike from North Korea as long as the weather is clear, and we know the speed and trajectory of the missile, correct”?  Relieved to find a friendly face among the Committee members, Gate regained some of his enthusiasm. “That’s correct, Senator Sessions. Except, of course,  for the decoy issue. As you know in our testing program, we never successfully targeted a missile that deployed decoy warheads, but we’ve got our fingers crossed that the North Koreans don’t know that. How could they? They’d have to have been watching U.S. news programs in order to pick up on that information. So as long as they leave out the decoys and …. let me stress the importance here…as long as their missile has a  targeting sensor on board for our interceptors to home in on, it’s a slam dunk.” Sessions expressed confusion. “Targeting sensor?” Gates slammed his fist on the table startling the Committee members. “My god, sir, do none of you keep track of our anti-missile tests? In order for our interceptors to hit the target missile it is absoutely essential that it be equipped with a long range homing device that our radar can lock onto, otherwise we may as well save the cost of the launch and just throw rocks at it!”

Victims of Glandular Dysfunction Cheered by 100,000

In an amazing outpouring of sympathy, an estimated 100,000 people filled the L.A. Coliseum and surrounding streets yesterday to show their support for a mixed race group of unfortunates suffering from dysfunction of their endocrine systems. This  gaggle of  exceedingly tall males, who have gathered into an organization that calls itself “Lakers”, has gained notoriety over the years thanks to a shared ability among them to push leather covered rubber bladders through metal hoops. Having no other talent to offer, these young men have managed to eke out a living by giving acrobatic demonstrations of this undeniably worthless but eye catching stunt. In fact, other affllicted men all over the nation have joined into similar fellowships adopting such colorful monikers as “Bulls”. “Pistons” and “Celtics” and have sought to capitalize on their affliction as well  by virtue of their clownish performances.  While in earlier times such groups of deformed individuals might have been shunned or even set aside in secluded enclaves as once were lepers, these modern day pituitary cases stoically embrace their shared affliction with public showings, leaping about  in comical gyrations as they boisterously compete to be the best at something most of us couldn’t be bothered with. Once in danger of being relegated to the back waters of showmanship along with hog callers, pie eaters and serial belchers, these sadly deformed souls have demonstrated that while they may never achieve the lasting fame of John Merrick, aka the “Elephant Man”, they will surely be remembered for their shared enterprise in making us squirm with embarrassment while we pay to witness their debasement.

Letterman Appologizes to Palin Family

In what may be a first for a late night comedian, David Letterman paused during his monologue last night to issue an apology to Sarah Palin and her family following a storm of controversy over a joke he told last week. In that joke, which addressed an appearance by Sarah Palin and her daughter at a Yankees baseball game, Letterman had suggested that Yankees team member Alex Rodriguez had a bigger penis than Todd Palin, and had compared a peanut to a cucumber in the telling of the joke. The following morning Sarah Palin had appeared on several television talk shows to decry Letterman’s poor taste. “My daughter, Nerf Ball, was sittin’ right there, you know, when the joke was told on the TV and she hollered out to her big sister Sprockett to come and see. Also too, of course, out came Todd with our daughter Areola and  holding baby Bilge Pump in his arms”. On The View, Mrs. Palin displayed a photo of a peanut lying next to a cucumber and described what happened next. “Golly, it was embarrassing you know, because right there in front of the whole family I had to go and explain the joke to Todd over and over again. See, he’s from Alaska as am I, too, and therefore not the sharpest hammer in the tool bag. And as well, Sprockett kept asking how come David Letterman knew about her dad’s penis which she said in her opinion was  ‘nothing to sneeze at’, and Todd, ya know, he kept shushing her and talking in some foreign language saying, ‘Ix-nay on the E-nis-pay’, so I’m right away thinking he’s speaking in tongues ya see, like as if in possession by Satan and such not. And now this comedian feller Letterman says he’s sorry for having said what he was saying, and I’m thinking to myself, ‘hey, so what, I get to be on the TV again and I don’t have to embarrass myself like that tarty little trollop such as that Miss California, and isn’t that better than a fart in the bunkhouse?”

Israel Ready for Two State Solution

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking on Israel National Radio, today confirmed his decision to cooperate in the founding of a separate state for Palestinians. “Who doesn’t want a Palestinian state? Me? I never said anything of the kind and anyone who disagrees is Meschugena. I may have said the little Arab monkeys should be swept into the sea… I may have hinted that Israel is the toilet and Palestinians are what get flushed, okay? And from this some kolboynick decides I’m against a Palenstinian state right next door? Somebody out there is fachadick is all I’m saying here. Now naturally there are a few rules, nishtikeit…little things… who could object? No military, that’s number one, because we all know how those shagetz like to schlep their rockets around the countryside. And ixnay on Jerusalem…. those little sand monkeys need the holy city like they need a  loch in kup, and I’m saying to them get over it already! Of Jerusalem you get bupkis or it’s no deal. And water rights? Get serious, okay? Water in the middle east is scarce and reserved for the Chosen People which is who? Them? And they have to let go of this ‘right of return’ nonsense. We got the land, they got the shaft. Hey, you go to war with Israel and get your tuchis handed to you there’s gonna be consequences. What is this, Let’s Make a Deal? Those Palestinians are all the time moisheh kapoyer is all I’m saying here. But a two state solution, I’m all for it, who would be against such a thing?

Proposed CEO Pay Limits Anger CEO’s (Do ya think?)

There is a common misperception among average Americans that corporate CEO’s make too much money. No, really! Ask the man on the street about CEO remuneration and the answer is always the same: “what the hell is remuneration?”  This gives you some idea of the depth of ignorance among the common clay of American society. These bumpkins see dark limousines with tinted windows and right away start comparing their lives to that of their betters. CEO’s would never do this! They give as much thought to the teeming masses as the ordinary person gives to the bacteria in his (or her)  intestines. Do CEO’s even have intestines? No one knows. Just try Googling “CEO intestines” and see what you get. But I digress. President Obama recently said that there should be a cap on the pay and bonuses given to the captains of industry. He says that for too long they have been rewarded for failure. He even says that the gods of Wall Street caused the economic mess that we’re in. George W. Bush never said any of  that. He also said that there were never any weapons of mass distruction in Iraq, and believe me  if there had been he would have felt it in his gut, implying that President Bush has intestines. Does he? (Don’t bother Googling, I’ve tried). But I digress. Little people with small minds can’t comprehend the lifestyle of those who possess off shore accounts in the Cayman Islands and Gulf Stream private jets to fly them there. Does  Donald Trump’s second floor maid, cleaning his climate controlled gold plated  toilet, contemplate the je ne sais quoi of the pubic hairs clinging to the underside of The Donald’s heated seat? Does Donald Trump even have pubic hair? What are you asking me for? That’s why they invented Google.

North Korea: 12 Years Labor to Reporters and Singing Charcoal

In a tersely worded statement, North Korea’s Not-News agency reported that two U.S. reporters had been tried, convicted and then sentenced to 12 years at hard labor for “serious crimes committed with high seeking to adjust pie making inhabitants of aluminum dishes”.  Sung Li Pow, a language facilitator for the Not-News office clarified the release saying that journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee had been “woefully convicted and snapped as lima beans above making headway.” She went on to decry the use of the word “release” referring to the Not News story, icily reaffirming that information from the Dear Leader’s homeland is never released, it just sometimes escapes. Because North Korea and the United States have no official communications, the Swedish ambassador had been serving as a go between for the two countries since the arrest of the reporters but was hampered in the assignment by prior commitments. “Apparently she was carrying on her day to day employment of giving massages, said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, “and frankly I think the interests of these two American citizens were given short shrift.”  President Obama made a point of commenting on the conviction during his speech on Monday about the latest U.S.  unemployment numbers. “We do not accept this overly harsh sentence from Pyongyang, he said, departing from his prepared remarks, “and we do not accept the flimsy evidence prsented that these two respected journalists had anything to do with the theft of Kim Jung Il’s strawberries”.

New Iphone App: You Can Pound Nails With It

We’ve all been there. The Iphone rings, we answer and hear what sounds like a voice filtered through a garbage disposal, forcing us into what has become known as the Iphone Two Step. This is where one spins around facing each compass direction, bending over and then standing erect…. two steps this way…. two steps that way… trying in vain to find that sweet spot where the AT&T signal can get through. Oops… too late. The call has been dropped. Let’s face it, while this happenstance is annoyingly frequent, due to AT&T’s crappy service, speaking to someone by phone is the last reason for purchasing Apple’s iconic hand held device. No, we got it in order to run applications, and there are thousands. I got one last week called “Fart Detector.” When somebody cuts one but doesn’t own up to it, this application allows me to zero in on the culprit; once the source of the nose bomb is found, the Iphone sends out a piercing screech that turns all eyes on the offender. Really cool app for use in elevators. I once got a standing ovation during a 32 floor ride. To be fair, everyone was already standing but you get my drift. A recent application release turns the Iphone into a kind of blender. You drop it into your coffee and it vibrates to stir your cream and sugar and then when removed, it shakes itself off like a golden retriever. My personal favorite of the newbie apps is the pedometer/calorie program. Before you step outside for that power walk, you slip the Iphone between your butt cheeks and off you go. It will measure your stride in inches, feet or kilometers and calculates calories burned by the bun sweat produced. One note of caution: remember to turn off the “Fart Detector” app before you go walking.

44 Wants Your .44

“He’s up there in Washington Dee Cee, and by God he’s planning on ways to get our guns.” So began guest speaker Reverend Desmond Fullbright at the NRA Meeting of the Minds Jamboree in Sasquatch, Georgia. Held once a month since the inauguration of the 44th president, the NRA Jamboree is billed as a miasma of right wing cogitation. “You seen how on the day the liberals moved him into the White House he didn’t say nothin’ at all about guns, right? Well there you go, that’s your proof right there.” The planned agenda of the fifth Jamboree session, printed on bulls eye target sheets, listed such topics as:  No Guns = No God, The Lord is MY Shepherd not Yours, Chitlins Trump Sushi, and He Already Got My Brain Now He Wants My Gun. “Everybody knows that Muslim-ism causes cancer, said Fullbright, continuing his rant, and that goddam Nigerian is bringin’ plane loads of Muslims into America on board Air Force One; he’s never denied it, so there’s your proof right there!” Numerous vendors were set up around the speaking platform and doing brisk business as Jamboree attendees dressed in overalls and war surplus military camouflage rooted among the offerings grunting approval or dismissal. The biggest seller of the day proved to be a painting on black velvet featuring Barack Obama prying a pistol from the cold dead hand of Mother Teresa with the caption, “No armed honkies allowed in Obama-Land”.

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