Pentagon Spends $20,000 per Second

Testifying before Congress yesterday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates defended his decision to end a number of military projects he deemed wasteful or inappropriate. “Gentlemen, said Gates, the Pentagon is currently spending over $20,000 per second for all its operations around the globe. I feel that much of that taxpayer money is being wasted.” Asked to be specific about his criticism, the Secretary nodded to a subordinate who began projecting a Powerpoint presentation. The first image displayed was a boxcar sized contraption with a large metal scoop and several mechanical appendages emerging from  its upper surface. “This is the XP-49, code named Gobbler, produced by Halitron-Worthington of Waco, Texas. It is constructed of titanium alloy, has gears made of  industrial diamonds, can only be operated under a narrow set of climate controlled conditons, is manned by 12 specialists and requires 200,000 volts of electricity to function. It costs $456 million per copy” There was a buzz of conversation among the members of the Armed Services  subcommittee before Senator Milvane spoke up, “Very impressive, Secretary Gates, very impressive. Obviously made in the USA, appears sturdy, has a commanding presence, but what does it do?” Secretary Gates read from a spec analysis, “The XP-49 was developed to replace the obsolete XP-39, code named Douche Bagger, by adding two more levels of manganese projection diodes along its dorsal surface. These diodes were further enhanced by the inclusion of a chain activated drop-down incandescent globe that consumes a paltry 40 watts and justifies the additional $68 million dollar add on to the overall cost.” A voice from the back of the room spoke up. “Mister Secretary….. a ‘drop-down incandescent globe…. ?” Secretary Gates seemingly embarrassed shuffled the papers in front of him. “It’s a 40 watt light bulb with a pull chain, Senator; it was so dark inside the X-39 that the technicians had to use flashlights whenever it became necessary to rotate the Cautionary Flannus tubes and overhaul the reverse threaded crank wheel sprockets. Obviously you don’t want to accidentally step on a Flannus tube in the dark!” There was general agreement among the senators present on that observation. “Now as to what the damned thing does…. well, we’re not entirely sure, and that’s the problem. The first of these units was developed during the Reagan administration at the height of the Star Wars anti-missile expenditures and all information about it was classified as ‘Double Dog  Team Hanky Spank Pack Top Secret’. As you know, gentlemen, no one including myself, has clearance for that level of security, so the actual function of the X-49 remains a mystery.  As near as we can determine from the original sketches made by the inventor, pulling the plug on this project will either reverse the rotation of the planet, or make carbon paper obsolete. So keep it or drop it? My advice would be to flip a coin”.

Cheney Saves America Every Day says Cheney

In a counterpoint to President Barack Obama’s rousing speech at the National Archives yesterday, former Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking at the American Enterprise Institute, boldly asserted his relevance once again. “America has not been attacked since the last attack, said Cheney, and that’s because of me. I can’t tell you how many attacks have been thwarted by my minions. Seriously, I can’t. Don’t ask.” Holding his right wing audience spell bound with his monotone delivery, the Dark Lord bragged of hapless detainees subjected to unspeakable horrors after they failed to acknowledge their connection to Saddam Hussein following 9/11. “I can’t tell you how many fingernails were pulled out, how many testicles were crushed or brains sucked out like gray matter Slurpies through a straw. Seriously, I can’t. Don’t ask.” The erstwhile Actual Prior President went on to ridicule Obama’s references to the “rule of law” and asserted that rules are made to be broken. “During the Vietnam War I was told I had to fight for America. It was the law, they said. Obviously I had other priorities, so I broke their rules.”  Pausing to glimpse an onstage monitor showing President Obama standing before the actual U.S. Constitution, something approximating a smile squirmed briefly below Cheney’s nose  before he resumed. “Rules don’t keep America safe. I keep America safe. The terrorists fear me. And fear is what keeps Americans easy to manipulate. They don’t need civil liberties, they need to obey and remain the loyal worker bees of the economy as I grant them the rights I feel they deserve. And what rights do they deserve? I can’t tell you. Seriously, don’t ask.”

Rumsfeld Fed Bush’s Delusions

In an article published yesterday in GQ Magazine, were revelations that following the 9/11 attack, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld took advantage of George W. Bush’s penchant for comic books, by presenting the invasion of Iraq as a cartoonish good-versus-evil endeavor. According to GQ, Rumsfeld hand delivered  daily intelligence briefings to the Commander in Chief that bore gaudy cartoon cover sheets featuring gladiators, biblical themes and fantastic science fiction oriented weapons systems. Robert Draper, author of the “He Shall Be Judged” article, pointed out that while the general public was aware of the president’s disdain for newspaper stories, few were aware that he pored over the daily comic strips  looking for clues about how to proceed with the fatally flawed invasion. “Rumsfeld knew that Bush was big on comic books, fairy tales and bible stories, said Draper, so he fed the man’s limited intellect with images that reinforced Bush’s delusions that he was  hearing the voices of God, Uncle Scrooge and Spiderman.” Draper went on to point out that even Bush’s early characterization of the war on terror as a “crusade” was lifted from a comic book version of the battles between Muslims and Christians in the 11th century. In the comic book version the dim witted disciples of Islam were led by the evil Neanderthal King Ooga-Booga, against a superior “good guy army of white guys on horseback”. According to Draper, Bush had initially wanted to go public with the ” War on Ooga-Booga” but was persuaded to settle for the less romantic “War on Terror”. Contacted at his home in St. Michael’s, Maryland, former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld expressed outrage at the implications of the GQ story. “My stars and garters, said Rumsfeld, you’re making our former president sound like an incompetent fool.”

Congress Vows to Keep C17 Flying

Speaking off the record in a room crowded with reporters, House Minority Leader, John Boehner (pronounced BONER) launched into a condemnation of President Obama’s annouced plan to cut the Boeing C17 cargo plane from the Pentagon budget for next year. Choked with emotion, the former used car salesman decried an executive branch decision that would, he said, have an impact on the overall economy of the country. “What the president doesn’t understand is that producing the C17 creates jobs. We got machinists in Ireland, wiring harness makers in New Delhi, aluminum smelters in China, fabric manufacturers in Mexico and avionics confabulators in Pakistan all working around the clock as a team to build this all American aircraft.” A reporter from the New York Times asked the faux tanned congressman about American jobs. “I was getting to that, said Boehner, it seems there is a plant in Yarborough, Mississippi producing propellers for this crucial piece of military hardware”. A visiting editor from Aviation Week put his hand up. “Propellers? But the C17 is a jet aircraft, what are the propellers for?” Boehner sighed audibly. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Without this military contract the Billy Bob Aircraft and Fishing Pole Company would have to lay of f who knows how many hard working Americans.” Amid the rustle of notepads an annonymous voice asked, “Is there any possibility of a compromise being made with President Obama?” The GOP spokesman brightened. “As you know, we in the Republican party have been bending over backwards to work with our left -wing -socialist president and we have a plan in the works. This involves flying the finished airplanes into New York from the assembly plant in France. There, legal immigrants  from Venezuela will load the planes onto rail cars where they’ll be shipped to Michigan and turned into scrap by laid off auto workers.”  The Detroit Free Press representative went next. “What happens to the scrap?”  Mopping bronzer from his face Boehner said, “now that’s the real genius of our plan. Since America no longer manufactures anything but debt, we send the parts out to California where they’re loaded onto captured Somali pirate ships and sent back to France to be reassembled. And the best part is, the U.S.  has to borrow only $900 billion a year from China to keep the program going!”

Pass My Propositions or Die: Swartzeneggar

“I’m putting all my eggs on the table in one basket,” said Governor Arnold Swartzeneggar at yesterday’s press briefing. “Yah, and all deeze eggs vill be smashed with my fist and turned into hamburger and deeze kinds of things.” Swartzeneggar hinted that Kali-FORN-ia’s financial problems are far worse than most voters realize. “Dis is not da movies where da Terminator is a muscle bound freak with a concrete block for a brain. No, this is da real world weyer da governor is a muscle bound freak with a concrete block for a brain!” The reporters in the room glanced around nervously, noting the location of the exits as Swartzeneggar continued his  steroid fueled rant. “The voters put me in office not because of my MBA but because I come from da future and I can bench press 800 pounds and dese kinds of things.” Shaking off her timidity, a journalist from the L.A. Times spoke up. “Governor, if the propositions go down to defeat what is your back up plan?” Fixing her with his trademark Terminator glare, Swartzengeggar answered, “If all the propositions fail it will be the fault of the girly-man voters who voted to fail them and da world of Kali-FORN-ia will fail. Yah, it vill be a train wreck far verse than quitting steroids cold turkey. Da machines will rise and the cities vill be crushed and all the gyms will close……” A hand went up in the back of the room. “And what if the propositions pass, Governor, what then?” Swartzeneggar bent at the waist and pulled the bolted lecturn from the floor with a screech of tortured metal, hurtling the mass of wood and chrome at the offending journalist. “Who cares, thundered the Guvinator, yanking the curtains down from the stage, da voters are all pencil neck geeks and are eating too much of carbohydrates and tings of dis nature! Call in da chopper! Code red! Hasta la vista baybee!”

Sarah Palin Offered Book Deal Ya Know

“I’m sick and tired ya know, of being thought of only as John McCain’s other bimbo. Also too, I’d like to say in addition that Alaska is the biggest state in America, something I didn’t know when Katie Couric was asking me all those trick questions on the TV.”  The event was a Harper-Collins publishers’ council session held at the Starbuck’s in Legume, Indiana, the smallest venue that could be rented there on short notice. Norris (Dub) Franklin, manager of the shop, said that he had been contacted at home by the public relations arm of the publisher at 2:00 A.M. and asked to throw together a dozen pastries for the crowd of reporters and onlookers expected to be on hand for the annoucement of a multi-dollar book deal with the erstwhile vice presidential candidate and governor of Alaska. Dressed in a lowcut lavender blouse and straight skirt, Mrs Palin seemed at ease as she spoke from a small table adjacent to the rest rooms. “Am I eager to clear the sails and get my wind up, she asked rhetorically, you betcha by golly.” She went on to describe how she had managed to slip past security at the Harper-Collins offices in Manhattan in order to drop off a hand written manuscript about her experiences in the presidential race of 2008. “They had no idea it was me there in the lobby what with my windbreaker and sensible shoes ya know, carrying my book and all, because I tagged along with a group of seventh graders on a tour ya see, and made it all the way to the second floor cafeteria.”  Brad Higgins, one of the senior editors at the Collins offices said that he had been in the cafeteria for his morning coffee and had mopped up a spill with what turned out to be the governor’s manuscript. “I thought at first it might be a homework assignment left by the school kids, but the poor penmanship made me think again.” Moving aside as a homeless man lurched into the Starbuck’s restroom Mrs. Palin spoke enthusiastically about her hopes for the soon to be published memoir. “Mr.Harper or maybe it was Mr. Collins, whatever which one ya know, called my PR guys in Anchorage and said they’d be happy to send it back if we paid the postage, but instead a deal was worked out for the publishing and all. They’re still looking for a cartoonist to do the illustrations, ya know”.  After the noise of a nearby blender died down Mrs. Palin added, “I’m not at liberty to divulge the financial details, but I’m told it’s in the high three figure range, so ya know  it’s a pretty good deal by golly. I’ll finally be able to shed that bimbo/clown image that’s been clinging to me like the dingle berries on a sled dog’s ass.”

Trump Scraps Miss USA, Goes Topless

Looking every bit as annoyed as the furry woodland creature Super glued to his hairless melon, Donald Trump announced today that he is scrapping the traditional Miss USA pageant “to go for something more Crap-tacular”. Haunted by the media blitz over Carrie Prejean, the runner up of the just completed competition, The Donald told reporters that it’s time to get real. “Let’s face it, he said, the audience is there to look at the boobs. Nobody cares whether these bimbos can chew gum or recite the alphabet, so let’s just cut to the chase.” He went on to describe his concept for a prime time national show  called, “Tits Ahoy”, where an unbiased panel selected from the audience will judge the contestants on a narrow range of criteria. “Basically, we’re talking rack size and the Jello factor here, Trump said, “something the viewing public can really sink their teeth into, so to speak. We’ll still have the swimsuits of course, but the babes will be carrying them instead of wearing them. Then there’s the trampoline event followed by what I call the ‘unfettered, run-up-and-down-the-stairs event.” Asked what the judging staff will be looking for Trump was circumspect. “As somebody almost as smart as me once said, ‘beauty is in the eye of beholder’. Well, here you got a panel of rack-masters getting an eyeful of B-holders, C-holders and D-holders. What will they be judging? You be the judge.”

Pope Mends Muslim Rift with Comedy Tour

Pope Benedict XVI, visting the Al-Hussein bin-Talal Mosque in Jordan, went out of his way yesterday to include Islam on his short list  of the world’s great faiths. Wearing the tallest head gear in his holy repetoire, the Mitre-D, or skyscraper,  the Pope addressed several dozen curious onlookers as they gathered for their evening prayers. “I’m-a say howdy to all you Mosqu-a-teers, began the Catholic leader, flapping his arms rapidly. “I’m-a flying in here today all the way from  a-Rome, and boy are my arms tired.” With the only chuckles coming from his own toadying entourage the Pope went on, “wowza, this a tough-a crowd. What I gotta do, a-strap on a pinstripe suicide vest?  Hey, come on, I know you’re out there I can-a hear you breathing!”  Looking puzzled, the growing cluster of Muslims began laying out their prayer rugs, a few doing deep knee bends in preparation for prostrating themselves. “Is this a – thing even on”, said Pope Benedict, tapping the microphone in front of him causing a howl of feedback. “So how many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb? Anybody? Anybody? None! They’d rather stay in the dark!” (Ba-dump-bump) At this point the Islamic call to prayer wafted forth from numerous loudpeakers on the surrounding minerets and the crowd at the mosque began kneeling on the east facing prayer mats. Trying another tack, the Pope moved into self deprecating humor. “One-a day I’m-a giving Cardinal Mahoney a real tongue lashing, okay? I’m-a say, ‘hey Cardinal, we got a big-a problem in America with little boys being molested at your churches. We gotta inform the faithful how they can a-tell a priest from a pedophile’. Any you know what he says? Anybody…. anybody…He says, ‘you can’t … that’s the problem!’ (Ba-dump-bump) “But seriously, folks, I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress! Just kidding!” Mopping his holy brow, the Pontiff shuffled off to the waiting Pope-Mobile and his next stop on the tour.

Obama Raises Stink Over Credit Card Fees

Alarmed at the increasing use of  imaginative fees that credit card companies are charging their customers, President Obama today outlined what he is calling “Fee Categories”, a list of unpopular credit card charges that will become illegal in the near future. “We all know what a pain it is to open a credit card bill and discover we’ve been blindsided by an unexpected charge for writing a check with blue ink or inhaling too much oxygen. These fee categories or Fee “C”‘s as we call ‘em at my house, will no longer be tolerated”.  He went on to display credit card bills from outraged American consumers. “I’m holding here a statement from Mrs Eunice Bader of Youngstown, Ohio. Citibank has added a $20 surcharge because she paid her bill on time. Now, that my friends is a Fee-C.  Edgar Cummings of Branford, Georgia, opened this bill from Visa only to discover that they want to squeeze  out a Fee-C  of $19 because he made his payment with an even numbered check. And here’s one from Eric Mendez, a returning Iraq veteran, hit by an enormous Fee-C before he even had time to unpack: American Express wants him to pay $70 because he failed to run up any charges this month.” Turning from his teleprompter, the president spoke directly into the camera. “I’m putting the credit card companies on notice; American consumers will no longer sit still while a mountain of Fee-C’s rain down on them, it’s been going on too long. Either clean up your Fee-C’s voluntarily or I’ll do it for you.”

“Pay Cops to Get Dressed” says Judge

A federal judge has ruled that uniformed officers of the Los Angeles Police Department should be paid for the time it takes them to put on their uniforms and equipment each day. In a 39 page ruling U.S. District Court Judge Gary Feess said that cops are already granted tax deductions for buying uniforms and having them cleaned, so why not pay for actually dressing in them. He pointed out that poultry pluckers in Fort Gage, Kentucky,  are paid for putting on rubber boots and hard hats, so it only makes sense to include police officers in this latest move to gouge taxpayers. “Look, he said in a recent interview, police officers are underpaid; you got firefighters making over $100,000 a year for pretty much just sitting around the station house hazing the new guys.” He went on to describe in detail the initiation of “newbies” in the L.A. Fire Department, which usually includes the shaving of all pubic hair. “First they apply the lather, which is kind of foamy so they have to really smooth it on and around the genitals, around and around, paying particular attention to the scrotum.” Noting the puzzled expression of the L.A. Times reporter, Judge Feess abruptly changed course. “Now, as I was saying, this ruling is based on a number of surveys given me by the police union and bolstered by accounts of officers who have given harrowing accounts of having to strap on 30 or 40 pounds of safety gear while simultaneously breathing and maintaining their balance. It’s only specially trained individuals who are capable of handling all those snaps, Velcro and zippers and still manage to tie their shoes without any outside assistance”. He stared off into the distance. “Just think about it. All those young men crammed into a sweaty locker room, shoulder to shoulder amid that heady aroma of man essence as they tussle with that masculine gear…. the creaking of leather, the staccato rasp of zippers going up, going down… and there, coming out of the shower, a young officer, barely out of his teens, the taut skin of his chiseled abs glistening as he whisks the towel from around his narrow waist…..”  The judge’s male secretary reminded His Honor of an upcoming luncheon engagement at that point and the remainder of the  interview was brusquely put on hold.

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