Phil Spector Switches to Democrat: Limbaugh

Throwing any semblance of decorum overboard, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh today blasted the GOP for allowing one its longest serving members to escape the dungeon of the Republican right wing and declare himself a Democrat. “My friends, roared the GOP water carrier, democracy is about doing the Right thing and this is obviously not the Right thing.” A series of low frequency thumps accompanied the Great One’s screed over the airwaves as his ham sized fists pounded the table in his studio. “Norm Coleman refusing to concede defeat to that degenerate Al Franken in the Minnesota race, that’s a Right thing. Refusing to admit that Ann Coulter is a transgender dude, that’s a Right thing. Ignoring in-your-face evidence that I am a fat, drug addled gasbag, that is definitely a Right thing. But allowing the Democrat Party to gain another seat in the senate by letting Senator Phil Spector slip through its fingers and join the leftie - pinko - communist - facist  -socialist party is treason on the part of the GOP, my friends, treason!” Limbaugh then took a phone call from a listener. “My phone lines are jammed, crowed Rush, let’s hear from David in Reno, Nevada. David you’re on with Rush, please go ahead.” A blast of static, and then, “Rush you ignorant blowhole, it was ARLEN Spectre the Republican senator from Pennsylvania who switched sides, not Phil Spector!”  The caller was immediately jettisoned from Limbaugh’s sound board. “That, my friends, must have been a left winger who slipped through the cracks. Everyone knows that Arlen Spectre is a point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers and isn’t even registered to vote. That caller must have been zonked on Oxycontin, take it from one who knows the symptoms!”

Mormon Calendar Delights and Offends

Where’s the beef? Well, these days it’s apt to be in the Mormon Church where an upstart  member named Chad Hardy is on the minds of the LDS leadership. Seems 22 year old Chad  had the audacity to publish and sell a calendar featuring photos of young, virile Mormon boy-men in the altogether. Well…. without their shirts, which among Mormons is pretty much the same thing. Thomas Monson, current leader of the faith following the recent death of Gordon B. Hinckley, had plenty to say about the calendar which he is calling sinful, disgusting, eye catching and exciting. “I have two minds about this folly”, said Monson, speaking in a phone interview on Monday. “On the one hand it is obviously a grievous sin to acknowledge that our LDS boy-men possess naked bodies but on the other hand I have to admit that the pictures are enticing. I can see how a young man or even an older one  ….. a much older one …. might become aroused as his eyes caress the smooth oiled skin and chisled abs of these young untouched lads, the hard muscles, the blatant come hither gaze…….” The phone suddenly disconnected at this point and the interview resumed several minutes later after contact was reestablished with the LDS leader, who now spoke in a more measured tone. “I understand that this Hardy person is planning a calendar featuring photos of nubile young Mormon women next. This clearly cannot be tolerated even if, as he claims, the women are all fully clothed. What if an LDS boy-man were to view such filth? His eyes drawn to the indistinct mounds and bulges lurking beneath the shapeless dresses of these temptresses? What if he were not wearing his shirt, his oiled skin glistening in the flourescent lighting of a public washroom, his powerful hands lurking near the forbidden zone of his turgid manhood……” Once again the call was interrupted, this time by an LDS spokesman who said that Monson would have to continue the interview at a more appropriate time.

Swine Flu Hogging the Spotlight

Mexico’s violent drug gangs are scratching their heads these days, trying to figure out what happened to all the really cool international media coverage of their rampant, indiscriminate bloodletting. One of the overlords of the Mexican drug cartels, Javier Buenos (not his real name which is  actually Julio Chavez) expressed frustration over the arrival of swine flu in his country. “We stay up all night kidnapping, shooting and slashing. We finish up the evening by leaving a dozen or so heads on the front lawn of city hall right here in Mexico City and what do the newspapers  report on the next morning? ‘Swine Flu Claims Another Victim’. All of a sudden we’re yesterday’s news. Even that …. whats her name… that singing Scottish cow  Susan Boyle with the big eyebrows who looks like the result of a one night stand between Julia Child and Fat Bastard… even she gets more coverage these days”.  He paused to look out his hotel window at the deserted streets below. “It’s really sad. People are more afraid of getting the sniffles than they are of getting beheaded. Maybe we should hire a public relations outfit.”

Pontiff Raises Eyebrows with Canonizations

Pope Benedict XVI named five new saints today, but in a break with tradition, joined with  new Vatican sponsor, the Disney Corporation in determining who would be canonized. It had been expected that the Pontiff would select Portuguese hero Nuno de Santa Maria Alvares Pereira , a medieval warrior/friar, who died in 1431 and Bernardo Tolemi who had perished while ministering to plague victims in 1348. However, Pope Benedict, reading from a prepared statement in Vatican City said that it was time for the Catholic Church to embrace the future, or at least the recent past, and become more contemporary. He then officially canonized Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy and Bashful, five of the seven dwarfs known and beloved as the companions of Snow White, from the 1937 Disney classic movie , “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”  Dopey and Sleepy were excluded from the list pending further investigation by Vatican authorities. “Dopey and Sleepy are-a still under the consideration and are certainly among the venerable, but have not yet achieved blessed status and therefore cannot be-a considered right-a now,” said Cardinal Tolusi during a meeting with world media representatives. Asked whether Mr. Toad might also be among those on the road to sainthood, Cardinal Tolusi wagged a warning finger at the brash questioner. “God gonna visit some-a locusts and-a boils on your butt with a attitude like-a that. Let’s try to keep-a things solemn and meaningful, okey dokey?”

Supreme Court Embraces Mother May I Rule

Conservative lawmakers were outraged Monday when the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4  that police are basically handcuffed when it comes to searching vehicles. The majority opinion, written by Justice John Paul Stevens (who was never a member of the 60′s group Paul Revere and the Raiders) stated that for the past several decades police had been relying on the “Simon Says” rule but must now fall back to the more restrictive “Mother May I” rule. In his opinion Stevens cited People v Simon (1962) wherein officers of the Alabama Highway Patrol said they had pulled over Lucius Simon, a black driver, after they had seen an elephant in the back seat of his car make an obscene gesture. While questioning the driver with their batons they noted that the elephant had disappeared and surmised that it must be hiding in the vehicle trunk. They testified that after beating Simon “until we couldn’t lift our damn arms no more” he gave them permission to search his vehicle and that search turned up several Playboy magazines in the trunk. Alabama law at that time made it a felony for African American males to possess “images of white purity in any state of undress whatsoever in proximity to their lustful desires.” Simon had subsequently been sentenced to 160 years and had died in prison in 1987. Years of legal wrangling had resulted in diverse interpretations of what became known as the “Simon Says” rule, eventually giving rise to a climate in which police officers would routinely search vehicle interiors once the driver was in custody. Monday’s ruling, wrote Stevens, relied primarily on the 2003 case of People v Tyler wherein South Carolina State Troopers had stopped Germaine Tyler, a black man, for driving an expensive looking Mercedes Benz. The police report had stated that “persons of that race don’t drive no cars of which white folks can’t afford lessen they stole it.” The report went on to say that while questioning the driver with their batons Tyler had spontaneously stated that “no motherf****ing cracker is searching my motherf****ing car.” The state troopers searched the vehicle anyway and found a mummified elephant in the trunk that may have been the same animal missing since the 1962 People v Simon case. Tyler was arrested for “using vile language within 500 miles of a church”, and had subsequently died in prison. Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Clarence Thomas, David Souter and Antonin Scalia joined with Stevens in his opinion saying that he won’t be around much longer anyway, while Justices Alito, Kennedy, Brier and Chief Justice John Roberts dissented pointing out that Justice John Paul Stevens “is as crazy as a shithouse rat”.

Paraguay’s President Concedes Sexual Escapades

Fernando Lugo, president of Paraguay, was forced last week to admit fathering the baby of a 16 year old parishioner while he was an active Catholic bishop. A very active Catholic bishop. Six days ago he recanted previous denials and admitted he was the father of two other babies born of two other underage parishioners, while doing bishop duties. Five days ago Lugo fessed up to impregnating a nun from the San Esteban convent while attending a bishop conference in Argentina. Four days ago he grudgingly conceded that he had supplemented his bishop salary by having young novice nuns dance topless at Captain Horndog’s Bar and Grill in Paraguay’s capital city of Asuncion. Three days ago he confessed to being married to his sister but insisted that since she was retarded with the mental capacity of a four year old,  ”it didn’t count”. Two days ago Lugo went on Paraguay’s national television network to appologize for being the only Catholic bishop ever to be caught soliciting prostitutes while roller skating in his bishop garb. On Monday, President Lugo told Paraguay’s National Assembly that it was pointless to waste time savoring his past indiscretions. “I think President Obama hit the nail on the head, quipped Lugo, when he said this was a time to look forward, not backward. I mean, come on…. it’s not like I was caught trying to orally copulate some dude in a men’s room like that Republican U.S. congress guy, Larry Craig, right?”

God Hates Fags and Newport Beach

Corona Del Mar High School in Newport Beach, California, is hosting an out of state religious group and at the same time putting on a musical, that was decried by some in the community and defended by the ACLU. The idea of putting on the popular musical production at the upscale public school  had been put forward several months ago and then shelved when a small contingent of parents objected, saying that the singing and dancing in the musical,  ”Rent” ,  might cause rampant homosexuality to ripple through the student body. The ACLU  filed suit to allow the play to be presented as planned and Superior Court Judge Henry Ballsach ruled for the students. “The school district failed to prove that homosexuality is caused by Broadway musicals,” said Ballsach. The ruling had a far reaching effect as congregants from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, immediately boarded buses and headed west. “God hates fags, said church founder, Fred Phelps, and we’re all about hate.”  Interviewed on a chartered bus as it lurched across the Great Plains, Phelps went on to say that God hates lesbians who are “opposite fags” as well as Muslims, Jews, tall buildings and frozen yogurt. “God hates you, he said to Newfield Plains reporter, Adam Goldman, and he hates your newspaper. He hates your mother, your father and all your siblings.” When asked if God also hates the Westboro Church, Phelps looked surprised. “Of course He does. And he also hates me. He hates Disneyland, the Department of Motor Vehicles, Congress and Westinghouse refrigerators”. Goldman pointed out that there were several passages in the Bible about Jesus and love but was interrupted by the increasingly agitated Phelps. “God hates the Bible, he shouted, and he hates Jesus and Adam West who portrayed Batman in that TV series. He really, really hates Batman”.

Brother Avenges Raped Sister

Okay, you’re a young man living in Iraq where  home mail delivery is a bit spotty these days, so you stroll down to the local post office to see if your forbidden Victoria Secret catalog has arrived. Instead of your plain wrapped soft porn, you’re handed a letter from  your little sister who has been imprisoned in Takrit for the last six months for putting polish on her toenails. What now? More gripes about  having to use a hole in the floor for a toilet? More bitching about the maggot infested food? Nope. Seems she was raped by a guard at the prison and now she’s pregnant. Well, Duh…. what did she think would happen if she allowed herself to be forcibly raped? Well, what the hell, she is your sister after all, and this is an outrage. So you take time off from drinking tea with your buds and head on down to the prison with your Turkish 9mm pistol to make things right. You ask the guard at the gate for a visit with your sibling and get waved right through. Then you have to cool your heels for 20 minutes with nothing to do but listen to the screams of other women being raped. Okay, here she comes, her prison burka a little disheveled, but at least she’s wearing no nail polish this time. You exchange greetings and then put a bullet through her forehead. Cool, family honor has been reestablished and all you’ve lost  is a half  day of goofing off.   Note to self: when you get home, beat your other sister to a pulp to put the fear of Mohammed in her, peace be with Him.

Torture a Blessing says Cheney

Fresh from his latest undisclosed location, former VP Dick Cheney appeared on Fox News Sunday to pillory President  Obama for releasing his favorite torture memos and to defend the use of torture to get information from detainees. “The world is a nasty, evil place”, said Cheney, brushing undisclosed cobwebs from his hair, “a dirty, stinking hell hole of a rotten filthy place where you’re either with us or against us”. He held up a glossy photo of Maloriaw Distingoumogma, an obscure figure in Bush’s  War on Terror. “This guy here was in direct telepathic contact with Saddam Hussein and was the one who urged the Iraqi dictator to launch the 9/11 attacks. Ordinary questioning didn’t reveal that. We didn’t learn this crucial information until we had wolverines gnaw on his testicles”.  Next he held up a picture of  Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. “Everyone knows that this asshole was the mastermind of the attacks, but how did we get his confession,” he asked rhetorically. “It was no easy task, let me tell you. Beatings, cattle prods, being stretched on the rack… none of these standard techniques worked, but when we doused his hair with gasoline and lit him up he sang like a canary.” Fox host Giselle Thompkins posed her next question carefully. “So  you’re saying that torture as an interrogation technique does have value.”  Cheney sat back, his titanium joints creaking faintly. “Are you kidding? We not only learned that KSM as we call him, put together the whole 9/11 ball of wax, but as the ‘enhanced interrogation’ continued we found out that he was  also responsible for the destruction of the Hiddenberg and the sinking of the Titanic. By putting a stop to torture President Obama has ignored its success throughout history. For instance, in 1692  in Salem, Massachusetts, 279 minions of Satan were put to death during the War on Witches and believe me our forefathers there in Salem used some of the same techniques we used at Gitmo”.

Chavez Delivers Book to Obama

Having already received a hearty handshake from Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez, at the Latin American Summit on Friday, President Obama was startled when the leftist leader bounded over later to offer him a book . Written in pig-latin, the paperback volume, entitled, “Choke the Chicken of Life”, was Chavez’ first attempt as an author and was reportedly so poorly done that publishers from all over the world had declined to take on the work, even as a novelty item. Undaunted, Venezuela’s president had paid $2 million dollars to have it published by Vanity Press, a self publishing firm. “It’s about my youth and the years of self abuse that did this to my face”, said Chavez, speaking through an interpreter to the bewildered Obama. “I deliver it now to you and hope it will make you taller.” The interpreter who has worked with Chavez for years,  later reported that she had delivered an exact translation of Chavez’ words and had long since given up wondering, “what the hell is going on in the man’s mind.”

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