Obama Wants Your Guns!

The National Rifle Association has formerly announced its campaign against President Obama’s anti gun agenda. Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA’s board of directors, speaking on Fox News Sunday, stated the objectives of his organization. “It’s obvious that Kenyan born Obama got into the White House with just one thing on his mind, seizing the guns of decent God fearing citizens in this country. It’s a disgrace that the boy hasn’t come right out and announced his intentions. Well, we aim to force his hand.” Asked by Sean Hannity whether Obama’s current popularity would run counter to the NRA’s campaign, LaPierre sneered, “All the Left talks about is the daily massacres occurring across this great nation of ours. Seniors blasted in their beds at a nursing home, factory workers gunned down at their work stations in North Carolina, police officers shot to pieces by a patriot in Oakland. Who speaks for the gun owners in these shootings? We hear lots of bleeding heart rhetoric about families grieving for the loss of loved ones, but who ever discusses the fate of the guns once they’re seized by police? LaPierre displayed a placard with pictures of assault rifles. “Obama claims he supports the Second Amendment, yet he says nothing about the Assault Weapons Ban. Satan is opposed to machine guns and rocket launchers and so is Obama, which makes our president a pinko Muslim latte drinking Satan worshipper. And his ears are so big he looks like a Jeep coming at you with the doors open!”

McCain Throws Palin Under the Bus

Senator John McCain caused a buzz in media centers across the nation last night, when he departed from the GOP approved talking points on Meet the Press. Asked if he would endorse Sarah Palin, should she run for president in 2012, McCain shrugged his deformed shoulders, crossed his legs, folded his arms, cleared his throat, and then peered straight into the camera. “I care a great deal about that woman, he said, I had known her for at least 30 or 40 minutes before I Super- glued her to my hip as running mate, as you may recall.” He paused, gathering his thoughts or possibly just struggling to remember what the question was before he went on. “The idea of seeing Sarah Palin as Playmate of the Month gives me a woody; the thought of Sarah Palin as president scares the shit outta me.”

Elderly Driver Kills 23 While Parking

Police in Redondo Beach, California were reporting today that a 78 year old driver killed 23 and injured 41 others while attempting to park her vehicle inside a bank. Sergeant Fred Markman said that the incident began when Justine Weaver crashed through the front doors of New Lincoln Savings on First Avenue in her 1985 Oldsmobile, mowing down customers waiting on line to withdraw their savings from the failed institution. “She mistook the accelerator,  for the brake pedal”, he said, adding that the driver compounded the problem by attempting to parallel park the car once she had reached the New Accounts desk. Mrs. Weaver, who was not injured in the incident, said that she has often had trouble with this particular car “because the go and stop pedals are right next to each other.” She went on to say that she lost concentration during the parking manuever because of all the screaming. “I had my windows down and some young fellow under my left front tire was hollering really vile things. I don’t understand why he wasn’t arrested on the spot”.  Authorities said that as she was unable to find sufficient room to park, the driver next crashed the car through the exit doors and drove off a small embankment causing the car to stall. According to the Department of Transportation, several hundred people are killed each year by drivers over the age of 70 who “don’t know their ass from their elbow.”

Life Insurance Policies at Risk

A.I.G. stunned the business world today with its announcement that due to its investment blunders, the life insurance branch of the firm is now at risk. Frantic holders of life insurance policies issued under the umbrella of A.I.G. were flooding the switchboards to argue with Indian telemarketers who had been pressed into service. “I berry much wish to help the much agitated Americans calling from U.S. of America, said Ayoup Gupda, supervisor for Monde Kunte of Bombay, but they have mostly silly notions of what constitutes customer service, by Jove”. Callers from the midwest and east coast of the U.S. had reported being left on hold for up to 4 days before being dropped by the automated phone system. Asked about the possibility of life insurance policies becoming worthless, President Obama, speaking at a hastily called press conference in Washington sought to reassure the public. “No one need have any worry about these policies no matter when they were issued, he said, speaking without the aid of a teleprompter, don’t forget that the U.S. government now owns 80% of A.I.G.”  He went on to say that things always look darkest before dawn and that “anyone not paid in cash for the loss of a loved one, will get the equivalent amount in government cheese”.

Bank Exec Flaunts His Huge Bonus

Incurring the wrath of the American public seems to be what the executives of large financial institutions do best these days. Bewildered by the reaction of Main Street to obscene cash bonuses funded by taxpayers, most of these clueless sociopaths shrug off the daily barbs and death threats as white noise. Few have bothered to explain themselves, claiming that taxpayers have no right to know what happens to the money siphoned out of their wallets by the government. One notable exception is Harwicke Mundheim of CitiGroup, who recently invited reporters up to his Manhattan townhouse in an effort to clear the air. “I know why you’re here, said Mundheim, as he led reporters on a tour of his $50 million digs. “You want to know how I get my money and what I do with it.” He paused by his art collection as the reporters gathered around. “How I make it is a no brainer, I just bundle up worthless pieces of crap like credit default swaps and give them exotic names, Enormo Cash Incentive Fund, for example. Then I get them insured by A.I.G. and sell them to groups like pension funds who buy them because they seem like AAA investments. What do I care if it all turns to shit later on, I’m guaranteed a gi-normous bonus no matter what.”  Asked by a reporter from the Financial Times what he does with all that money, Mundheim patted a wall mounted sculpture of a huge solid gold penis. “This is representative of what I think about the scum down there on the sidewalk: they paid for it, now let ’em choke on it.”

Republicans Present Invisible Budget

 

Speaking at a hastily called news conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BONER) revealed the long awaited Republican response to President Obama’s proposed $3.5 trillion dollar budget. “There’s not much to see yet”, said Boehner to the assembled reporters, who noted that the obviously uncomfortable frontman was holding nothing in his outstretched hand. “We call this our see-thru budget because frankly, you can see right through it… no documentation, no numbers, no charts and graphs, in short, nothing to confuse Congress or the voters.” David Flount, representing the conservative Weekly Standard, called out, “but what is your plan for the deficit? What about taxes?” Other reporters joined in with a chorus of questions as well. Boehner waved his hand dismissively, “Don’t worry about details, the bottom line is that we’ll do what we always do: make the wealthy as comfortable as possible at the expense of American workers.” He then made a show of folding up the invisible budget before tucking it under his arm and striding from the room.

Michael Steele Channels Inspector Clouseau

Shrugging off critics who say that he should keep his big pie hole shut, Chairman of the Republican National Committee went on the offense today, seeking out news outlets that would still talk to him. “Everything I do is carefully planned,” said Steele, sounding eerily like the cartoonish Inspector Clouseau. Being interviewed by CNN’s Tony Morris he went on to say. “That incident last week where I insulted Rush Limbaugh by calling him a fat, pigheaded drug addict… I knew that would incense him.” The obviously puzzled Morris probed deeper. “So you pissed off the Lord Limbaugh intentionally, knowing that he would go after your ass like flies on a rib roast?” Steele nodded, “It was a risk, of course, but then for all the world to see I got down on my knees and kissed his dimpled back side, showing the proper respect, and this got me back into his good graces”.  Morris, suppressing a giggle, asked if Limbaugh had indeed welcomed him back into the Conservative fold. “Oh, good heavens yes, baby…. he calls me his house negro, and I must say that I am down with that, dawg”. Reached for comment at his studio doing show preparation, Rush Limbaugh stopped shoving Hostess Twinkees into his face long enough to quip, “Michael Steele? He’s my boy, he’s a regular clown with knee pads”.

China to U.S. : Thanks, but no thanks

 The Peoples’ Daily in China today reported  that America had been rebuffed in its attempt to declare war on China. Seeing an opportunity to create yet another cash cow for Haliburton and its subsidiaries, Congress voted last Thursday to declare war on the far eastern nation. Unfortunately, the call to arms was premature as lawmakers found out later in the day when China’s premiere, Wen Jiabao, speaking from Beijing, stated that the Chinese  government was refusing to lend America the money necessary  to go to war. He added that, “Chinese manufacturers will be instructed not to produce the airplanes, tanks, missiles, bombs and ammunition the United States would need to buy in order to launch an attack against us. We regret taking this stand, but frankly, America has maxed out its credit with us.” Offering a consolation prize to the U.S. Wen Jiabao offered to buy the White House if President Obama would agree to vacate the premises by next month.” I do not wish to make things inconvenient for them”, said Jiabao, “but the place would need a thorough Feng Shui makeover before I could move in”.

Flying Pork Barrel Crashes

If pigs had wings they could fly, has been an old saying at the Pentagon since there was a Pentagon. Back in the 1980′s with barrels of cash cluttering up the hallways they came up with the idea of trying to actually make a pig fly. It was called the F-22 Raptor, and while it spent many years on the drawing board collecting dust and  billions in taxpayer funds, it finally came to fruition in 2005. Initially designed to counter the threat of Soviet jet fighters, Pentagon planners were stunned in the year 2000 to learn  that the Soviet Union had collapsed in 1989 due to their having spent billions on wasteful, useless military hardware. “Now what do we do”, asked General Vandeberk rhetorically, as he threw bundles of hundred dollar bills into the Franklin stove in his office, “we got a piece of crap fighter jet that costs more than Lindsey Lohan’s boobs and no job for it.” The idea to cancel the F-22 contract was suggested to Congress, but by then 35 states were involved in manufacturing nuts and bolts to hold the Raptor together. “It’s a politician’s wet dream, sighed the general. “The damn plane supports 195,000 jobs across the country and lets the Washington fat cats claim they’re bringing home the bacon for their constituents”. After a moment of musing the general slapped his thigh, “hey, that’s a good one! Flying pig brings home the bacon!” Told that one of the Air Force’s F-22′s had crashed yesterday, killing the pilot, Vandeberk became somber. “That man wouldn’t have died if we hadn’t insisted on producing that useless hunk of junk. Killing people…. I guess that’s what we’re best at”.

Post Office Goes Begging. Again

What is it with the post office? They raise the price of postage every fifteen minutes or so and they still lose money. Lots of money. Currently they’re projecting a deficit of $6 billion for 2010. What did they do with the $69 billion we gave them last year? It sure isn’t going into any ”How to Deliver Mail”  training, cause my Amazon shit always winds up in the bushes being pissed on by the sprinkler system, while the suitcase size bundle of daily crap ads crammed in my mailbox make it look like a recycling bin.

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